Weekend at Bill Gates's

A completely fictitious account of how he will enjoy a post-apocalypse world

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

― Albert Einstein

Screw the meek, the nerds have inherited the Earth, Bill Gates thought as he finally emerged from his bunker a year after the nuclear holocaust destroyed the world. Well, not completely but all the good parts were gone.

Bill had watched the destruction via satellite. The bombs made such a great show that Bill had his assistant, Leonardo, who he had hired away from Clyde Crashcup, replay the bombings with the 1812 Overture as the audio. The world as we knew it was dead. Tell Tchaikovsky the news.

The past year had been a pretty fun time for Bill with P. Diddy, Prince Andrew, and the rest of the glamor gang. A couple of Brownie troops provided the entertainment of course. They had plenty of pizza. It was a good thing Bill had copied the Jeff Epstein client list like he was Microsoft lifting all those Apple innovations. Unfortunately, Steve Jobs gave the iPhone secrets to Red China and Microsoft missed out because everyone knows not to mess with Red China.

Well, everyone but Jill Biden. She launched the missiles after losing the White House to President Trump. All the insiders got advance notice. The million bucks given her husband’s hopeless re-election campaign was well worth surviving the end of the world. If you didn’t have a top notch nuclear bunker, you died.

Poor Jill. She thought the White House bunker was safe. But it was built by the lowest bidder using Chinese parts and supervised by Civil Service-protected bureaucrats who treated every workday like it was Friday afternoon.

Oh a few primitive tribes and hillbillies survived, as did Cher and Keith Richards.

Surprisingly, cockroaches became extinct because it turns out the radiance of a thousand suns works like a refrigerator light. You could hear them screaming RAID! from miles away.

Speaking of lights, the bunker had problems with them throughout the year Gates and his friends spent underground. They had to rely on the batteries to keep things running. The strain on the system forced them to cut off the refrigeration, which cost them their two-year supply of meat.

Er, I mean, lab-grown meat.

Sure, Bill wanted to save the world from farting cows all the while knowing a nuclear holocaust was near.

As he emerged from his bunker, his assistant followed. Bill told him, “Leonardo, we are about to rule the world. Sure, everything is gone including my $200 million house, but we shall build back better because I brought these electric saws.”

Leonardo: Sir, what about electricity. All the windmills and solar panels are gone and we have no coal or nuclear power plants.

Bill: Well, we’ll just use the hydro-electric plants.

Leonardo: Sir, we destroyed the dams to save the salmon. Unfortunately, the salmon died once the reservoir ran dry.

Bill: Well, we’ll just have to get the AI robots to build new windmills.

Leonardo: Sir, the robots run on electricity.

Bill: Oh, great googa-looga, can’t you hear me talking to you? I am hungry. Let’s get something to eat. We ran out of pizza so I guess it we will have to finally open the canned stuff we stored here.

Leonardo: Sir, all we have are electric can openers.

Bill: We have no pull-tab cans?

Leonardo: Sir, those containers can’t be recycled so we didn’t stock any of them.

Bill: What? In the post-apocalyptical world there are no recycling plants. Who came up with that idiotic idea?

Leonardo: Sir, you did.

Bill: Oh. Well, I guess we will just have to plant some seeds to start our gardens and in the meantime we can get some rifles and hunt the feral pigs and two-headed deer who have taken over.

Leonardo: Sir, you patented the seeds but forgot to bring any with us. As for hunting, you helped ban AR-15s.

Bill: The ban was good. The Second Amendment covers only hunting rifles.

Leonardo: Sir, you considered any and every rifle to be an AR-15 so all of them were banned.

Bill: Oh that’s just dandy.

Leonardo: Sir, if it is any help, I brought a musket.

Bill: But?

Leonardo: Sir, they use lead rounds and —

Bill: And I banned them too. I get the point. I guess I am hoisted on my own petard and 10,000 atom bombs make a pretty huge petard.

Leonardo: Sir, it is just as well because we couldn’t cook the meat because we have no fire because no one has any matches any more.

Bill: No lighters?

Leonardo: Sir, nobody smokes.

Bill: Not even cannabis?

Leonardo: Sir, you banned pot in the bunker. May I offer a suggestion? It is getting cold and starting to rain.

Bill: Yes, it is time to go back to the cave, er, bunker. Well, look at the bright side. We can have some fun as we start to repopulate with all those Brownies.

Leonardo: Sir?

Bill: Oh, great googa-looga, what is it now?

Leonardo: Sir, all the Brownies are transgenders. DEI made us take them to stand in solidarity with the LGBT movement.

Bill: No matches. How are we going to start a fire?

Leonardo: Sir, perhaps we should rub sticks against each other.

Bill: Maybe that will work. I saw it tried in a couple of cartoons. But how are we going to catch game?

Leonardo: Sticks and stones, sir.

* * *

What a life.

Bill Gates helped build the most technologically advanced civilization ever made only to wind up living in a cave, er, bunker.

Meanwhile, in the hills of eastern Kentucky, a boy played banjo on the porch while his pa fired up the still and ma made dinner. A country boy will survive.

The family’s name?

The Meeks.