The perfect Democrat candidate

They say nobody’s perfect, but I disagree. I just pitched the perfect political candidate to the DNC, which desperately wants to avoid the disaster in Michigan's senatorial race known as Abdulrahman Mohamed El-Sayed, the doctor who has never seen a patient.

He was captain of the football team at his pricy private high school, oops, a prestigious public school in a pricy neighborhood.

But the Big Mo (for Mohamed) wrote ahead of the 2023 Super Bowl, “Football is very much associated with a particularly masculine and, oftentimes, toxically masculine culture. And so much of it was about—you wanted to be able to get back up and play for your team, and you really aren’t allowed to show pain or vulnerability. That’s part of the sport.”

His hatred of football runs even deeper today.

He said, “You think about all the wars that we fight abroad, all of the sordid history of oppressing other people in the name of this American idea, right? Whether it was, quote, Manifest Destiny and destroying Native Americans, or it was the transatlantic slave trade where, you know, folks who, quote, founded this country on the backs of Native folks that they destroyed, then captured people, enslaved them, and had them work their fields because they thought it was their right. Right. And all of this, like a lot of these narratives, you kind of see echoed in the ethos of football.”

Everything is about slavery to Democrats—just as it was nearly 200 years ago

Abdulrahman Mohamed El-Sayed also hates Mackinac Island—a storied vacationland for Michiganders and their Michigeese. He said in a 2020 documentary about him, “I hate Mackinac so much. Every time I’ve ever come here, I’ve hated it. Why am I here?”

What’s next? An Ohio State Buckeyes bumper sticker?

He’s the Muslim Graham Platner without the Nazi tattoo or military service.

Republican Mike Rogers is ahead in the polls by 1 point, which means he’s way ahead. Michigan has not elected a Republican to the U.S. Senate in 32 years but Rogers lost a Senate race by 19,000 votes two years ago.

Democrats know the problem is they no longer appeal to white male voters after Hillary called them deplorable, Biden called them garbage and Mark “CCP” Milley said white supremacy was the biggest threat to the nation.

In 2024, Democrats nominated the governor of manly Minnesota, who was a National Guard retiree and football coach.

However, Tim Walz was a disaster in the debates and on the campaign trail, where he got on stage by prancing about in a manner that was so cringe that it would embarrass Richard Simmons. The governor’s stance on transgendering (which was a fad back in those days) was so over the top that people called him Tampon Tim.

The Democrat Senate candidate in Texas isn’t vegan but James Talarico may as well be. In his last state legislative campaign, he served only vegan food. His girlfriend is a vegan. He called for curbing the cattle industry to save the planet. He makes a big deal now of eating meat. He says this campaign runs on barbecue sauce but the bottle says Wishbone salad dressing.

Talarico claims to be a biblical scholar but insists, “God is nonbinary.” Look, if God wanted Chastity Bono to be a boy, He would have made her one.

The problem with Democrats is they took over college campuses. Their candidates come from those campuses and were indoctrinated with false claims that white people stole this land and invented slavery. Democrat candidates say the people who founded this nation were evil slaveholders, which invalidates the Constitution according to Democrats. Cisgender, intersectionality and other weird lingo crawled out of crazy social justice laboratories at universities, much like covid came from the Wuhan Research Lab.

Lies work because they have led to the acceptance of communism by a large number of people. But communism attracts crazy candidates. Thus we have the Squad and Bernie Sanders and this year even crazier people who hate Thanksgiving, mock soldiers who are shot and kill dogs.

Democrats need a replacement for Ayatollah El Sayad. I gave them the perfect alternative.

My pitch was a war hero who actually received a medal, unlike the governor of Maryland, and saw combat, unlike Senator Da Nang Dick Blumenthal.

The DNC was impressed.

He is a manly man without a tattoo. No beard but he does have a cute little moustache.

The DNC was impressed.

He is an artist and a painter. He is a real man, not supported by a trust fund or his parents, unlike Graham Platner and Francesco “No Thanksgiving” Hong.

The DNC was impressed.

I had to divulge that he had served some time in prison. This drew worried looks from committee members. But like Cervantes, my candidate used his time in prison to write. The outcome was a Barack Obama-style memoir that explained his socialist ideas.

They asked if it was a popular book. I said, yes, it appeared on the New York Times nonfiction best-seller list and sold 15 million copies, many of them translated from the original language.

The DNC was impressed.

One of his ideas deals with affordable transportation. Instead of free buses, he planned to have a state-owned car company that churned out cheap automobiles for the masses. Unlike the Yugo, he wants to hire a top sports car company to design the People’s Car. The car would float, unlike an Oldsmobile Delmont 88.

The DNC was impressed. This could revitalize Detroit’s automobile industry.

I told them his speaking style is so mesmerizing that Donald Trump would pale by comparison.

The DNC was impressed.

He commands the press.

The DNC was unimpressed because it goes without saying that the press loves a Democrat.

As for family, he helped raise his niece who recently died. His girlfriend lives with with him now and he is very attached to his dog, a manly German shepherd, Blondi. That contrasts favorably with El Sayed’s tenure as the dog catcher of Detroit who killed every stray he could find.

The DNC was impressed.

My candidate’s support for Palestinians is unquestioned. He opposed Zionism long before the Democrat Party did.

The DNC was impressed.

As for drinking, beer landed him in prison. Now he sticks to wine.

The DNC was impressed.

As for religion, he was raised Catholic and publicly he is a traditional Christian. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

But he will have no trouble in Dearborn because privately, he appreciates Muslims as he sees Christians as weak. He also has corresponded with a top Hindu leader. And he is interested in paganism, which should please the Hollyywoodies.

The DNC was impressed.

I also noted that his goal is to recruit tens of thousands of Muslims into the military by making religious accommodations such as allowing ritual slaughter.

The DNC was impressed.

One committee member asked me about his position on legalized marijuana. I said, well, his birthday is 4/20. Everyone laughed.

Another committee member asked everyone where he lives. I said he lives in Hell.

The DNC was impressed. A committee member pointed out that Hell, Michigan, is in Livingston County, which is 95% white and more than 50% male. Trump carried the county by 24 points two years ago.

Finally, they asked me his name.

I said Hitler. Adolf Hitler.

The DNC promised to get back to me. I am so excited.