The History of 2024, Part One

In 21 days, Donald Trump replaces President Jill

Tomorrow night the world turns 2025 and it will look a day older than 2024 because that is what it will be. The story of the year is not that President Trump won but that the deep state failed. Its civil lawsuits failed. Its criminal trials failed. Its attempt to disqualify him under the14th Amendment failed. And its attempt to assassinate him and throw the Republican convention in chaos also failed.

The Lord intervened on the last one because he is not through with Donald John Trump. Don’t bother buckling your seatbelts. We have airbags now.

Looking back on 2024, here are items I liked from 52 weeks of Highlights of the News.

ITEM 1: Via Breitbart, 32 of the 535 members of the House and Senate beat the S&P 500 in 2023.

This means that even with their use of insider trading, my stock index fund investment did better than 500 congressmen and senators did. That’s embarrassing. Folks, we need to send a smarter set of crooks to Washington.

ITEM 2: The Daily Caller reported, “Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts Revealed As US Official With Highest Approval Rating In New Poll.”

Only 46% disapprove of him.

The tallest midget.

ITEM 3: The Charlotte Observer reported, “Polar bears hold secret to surviving frigid winters—and we can benefit, study says.”

Live like polar bears. Add fur and a thousand pounds of weight. Travel at 2 miles per hour and eat nothing but blubber. Now that’s the life for me.

ITEM 4: Sports guru Dave Connelly tweeted, “A reporter asked Buccaneers head coach Todd Bowles about how the team is preparing to get acclimated to the weather in Detroit ahead of Sunday’s game.

“The Lions have played in a dome for nearly 50 years.”

Another journalist who is sharp as an egg.

ITEM 5: AP reported, “Crowds in India’s northeast cheer bird and buffalo fights, back after 9-year ban.”

Due to their size, the buffalo should have the advantage, but the ability to fly and to use their beaks to attack the eyes and tender parts of their opponents should give the birds a greater advantage.

ITEM 6: EurekAlert reported, “Older adults spend 3 weeks each year receiving health care outside of the home.”

Two of those weeks are spent in the waiting room.

ITEM 7: John Nolte reported, “Donald Trump Polling Higher Than Any GOP Candidate in 20 Years.”

If he gets too far ahead, he should avoid grassy knolls.

[Note: That was from the February 3 highlights.]

ITEM 8: Just the News reported, “Two-thirds of House Dems vote against bill passed to deport illegal immigrants with DUI convictions.”

Ted Kennedy’s legacy lives on.

ITEM 9: Not the Bee reported, “Florida mom with giant bumper sticker promoting Only Fans account confused as to why kids’ Christian prep school is upset with her.”

Whatever happened to selling Avon and hosting Tupperware parties?

ITEM 10: Kane at Citizen Free Press reported, “Harvard is teaching a class on Taylor Swift.”

Can’t wait for Kanye West to interrupt the class to say Beyoncé deserves this.

ITEM 11: Fox reported, “Hawaii court says ‘spirit of Aloha’ supersedes Constitution, Second Amendment.”

Justices pointed out Hawaiians did not bear arms before civilization came along. Wasn’t that why they were conquered?

ITEM 12: The Jerusalem Post reported, “Corgi-sized meteor as heavy as 4 baby elephants hit Texas—NASA.”

NASA now measures things by corgis and weighs them by baby elephants, and we wonder why we no longer can get men on the moon.

ITEM 13: BBC reported, “Kansas City shooting: One dead and 21 injured near Super Bowl parade.”

Biden and the rest leaped on gun control. If it works as well as his border control, we will all have 10 guns.

ITEM 14: Deadline reported, “Former Vice President Mike Pence said that he will not endorse Donald Trump‘s 2024 presidential bid.”

Let’s see, Bush, Cheney, McCain, Romney, Ryan and now this elf. Loyalty in the Republican Party is like soap in a pigsty—very rare and none of the pigs know how to use it.

ITEM 15: Medical Press said, “Keto diet found to slow early stages of Alzheimer’s disease in mice.”

AOC asked: Keto? Which one is your Key Toe?

ITEM 16: A cargo ship hit a bridge in Baltimore, which then collapsed. Six people died.

The Post Millennial tweeted, “Biden says he took the train over the Francis Scott Key Bridge ‘many many times’ during commutes. The bridge did not have rail lines.”

The United Negro College Fund told us a mind is a terrible thing to waste. I don’t know about that. I find watching Plugs Biden waste his mind to be entertaining.

ITEM 17: AP said it will take 5 to 7 years to rebuild it.

Yes, 4 to 6 years to debate over whether to keep the name Francis Scott Key or change it to Freddie Gray and one year to actually build it.

ITEM 18: AP tweeted, “A $15 toll to drive into part of Manhattan has been approved. That’s a first for U.S. cities.”

The goal is to force more people to use the subways because criminals on those trains are running out of victims.

ITEM 19: Gateway Pundit reported, “White House Cancels Annual Ramadan Dinner After Muslims Refuse to Attend.”

They said Halal No, we won’t go.

ITEM 20: Reason magazine reported, “Indiana Court Rejects Claim That Driver’s Licenses Must Include Third Gender Option.”

I don’t know. I think three is just fine if they are listed as man, woman and retard.

ITEM 21: Insider reported, “A woman in Brazil was arrested after she seemingly attempted to get a dead body in a wheelchair to sign for a bank loan.”

She tried to stiff the bank.

ITEM 22: The Daily Mail reported, “Joe Biden suggests his uncle was eaten by ‘CANNIBALS’ after his plane was shot down over Papua New Guinea during World War Two.”

Those poor souls. I hope they didn’t get ptomaine.

ITEM 23: Gateway Pundit reported, “African illegals at a New York City Council meeting complained about the free (taxpayer-funded) food and housing provided to them.”

As Woody Allen might put it, they said the food was terrible and the portions were small.

ITEM 24: RFK Jr.’s sister, Kerry, endorsed Biden.

Things will be as awkward at Thanksgiving for the Kennedys as the shower is in Biden’s house.

ITEM 25: Just the News reported, “Ford lost $132,000 on each electric vehicle it sold in the first quarter 2024.”

Here’s an idea on how to stop losing money on EVs: stop making them.

ITEM 26: Metro reported, “Second Boeing whistleblower dies suddenly after claiming safety flaws ignored.”

Did they add Hillary to the board of directors?

ITEM 27: Squad member Ayanna Pressley testified in Congress, “I’m so tired of white men failing up.”

She’s voting for FJB anyway.

ITEM 28: Biden sent condolences on the death of Iran’s president in a helicopter crash.

My thoughts and prayers are with the helicopter.

ITEM 29: ESPN reported, “MLB umpire Ángel Hernández retiring after 3 decades.”

His calls were so bad that they drove his seeing eye dog to drink.

ITEM 30: CNN reported, “U.S. pier constructed off Gaza has broken apart.”

It wasn’t pier reviewed.

ITEM 31: The Daily Mail reported, “Donald Trump gets a SIX-POINT bump in approval after being found guilty on 34 counts according to snap Daily Mail poll: ‘I think it was a waste of taxpayer money.’”

Wasting taxpayer money is what Democrats do best.

ITEM 32: Via Kane at Citizen Free Press, the verdict came on the anniversary of Joan of Arc being burned at the stake in 1431.

Her witch trial was fairer.

ITEM 33: Flashback to November 2, 2015, when USA Today reported, “President Obama said Monday he was directing federal agencies to ‘ban the box’ in their hiring decisions, prohibiting them from asking prospective government employees about their criminal histories on job applications.”

Thanks to Trump, Democrats have gone back to calling individuals with justice system involvement “convicted felons.”

ITEM 34: The Orlando Sentinel reported, “ ‘We’re not gonna barbecue our way out of this’: Wild pigs, conquering all Florida counties, are now taking over the U.S.”

(Grabs tongs.) Challenge accepted.

ITEM 35: Collin Rugg tweeted, “2nd grade teacher who was arrested for being drunk in class is no longer facing charges because ‘it is not illegal to teach drunk.’”

She can go back to teaching them their ABCDUIs.

ITEM 36: An Interactive Polls tweet said Casey DeSantis leads in polling to be Florida’s next governor.

Just call her Lurleen.

ITEM 37: Trans women are women?

Hazel Appleyard tweeted, “Urinal cakes are cakes.”

That baker in Colorado who keeps getting sued now has a way of making a gay wedding cake.

ITEM 38: The Babylon Bee reported that the first named tropical storm of the hurricane season formed off the coast of Texas.

NOAA named it Alberto. Its scientific name is VO5.

ITEM 39: Raw Alerts tweeted, “A U.S. Secret Service agent was robbed at gunpoint over the weekend during Biden’s trip in California.”

The agent said thank goodness it was just a mugger and not one of FJB’s dogs.

ITEM 40: The National Park Service tweeted, “Believe in yourself like visitors who believe they can pet a bison.”

Yellowstone bison. Filtering the human gene pool since 1872.

Look for Part 2 tomorrow.