Make a fun movie, gals

Be original. People ain't paying 20 bucks for your feminist version of a male movie

Hillary Clinton thought she would make history in 2016 by becoming the first woman elected president. Instead she gave the world three other things that made her a joke. The first was her historic tweet. (On October 26, 2016, Clinton tweeted a picture of her at 6 with the caption, “Happy birthday to this future president.”)

The second was her Basket of Deplorables speech in which she admitted leftists just toss a salad of words at opponents: “You could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic — you name it.”

The third was blowing a billion donor bucks to lose the presidency. Her stone-faced demand on video that she be 50 points ahead was the only fun moment in her campaign.

Hillary is not a fun person. Donald Trump is. People like fun. Winning is fun. I finally figured out why Trump the Press is my best book. It was fun to write. It had a wicked stepmother (Bill Kristol). It had a magic funhouse mirror (the Fox all-stars). It had Prince Charming (Donald Trump). It had a happy ending. If I come up with another fun idea, I will write another book but for now, nyah. I have a wife to take care of and a grandson to enjoy.

Which brings me to Barbie, a film about the Barbie doll. I thought it would suck because it did not have that Barbie Girl song by Aqua, which was a fun tribute to the doll in the 1990s. But it turned out the song was there, sorta. Because of copyright litigation, Mattel and the studio could not use the song but they sampled it in a song called Barbie World.

The film was a worldwide hit by a woman director. Mattel was very protective of Barbie and the director apparently was able to work in feminism without a lecture. I was going to call Mattel the maker of Barbie but Barbie actually made the company a huge success that continues 64 years later. (Yes, you are old.)

I have not seen the movie but I know a little bit about the doll. It was invented by Ruth Handler, a tough businesswoman whose success predated the bra-burning crowd by almost a decade.

Shira Springer wrote, “‘Driving for distinction’: Marketing magic of Barbie has lessons for women’s sports.”

She learned the wrong lesson.

Springer wrote, “The challenge for women’s sports: finding clever ways to use its content to defy expectations and assumptions and to create and sustain curiosity. This summer, prior to the World Cup, a two-minute ad by the French telecom company Orange provided a thrilling example of what can happen when you drive for distinction and defy expectations.

“The ad starts with a series of highlights that feature the French men’s national team. Dramatic goals. Emotional play calls. A message flashes across the screen and tells viewers that only the men’s team can create these kinds of moments. Then, the big reveal comes. The heads of well-known men’s team players have been digitally imposed on women’s national team players. You’ve been watching women, not men.

“The reveal takes a serious and seriously clever shot at the haters who claim watching women’s soccer is nothing like watching men’s soccer. There’s a wink-and-nod, if-you-know-you-know quality to the ad. Anyone who follows women’s soccer knows the quality of the product on the field and knows the irritating way it’s constantly compared to the men’s game. More ads like this, please.”

I don’t know about that. If women’s soccer is no different then men’s soccer then why have it? I ask because women are terrible at soccer. Remember, the best women’s team in the world lost to 14-year-old boys.

Women must offer something different in sports besides the shorts on women volleyball players. It can be done. The much-maligned WNBA popularized three-pointers. But men took that over — LeBron James is great on treys — so it is back to being a minor league for the ladies.

Women’s basketball is a big hit in Europe. WNBA stars make more money over there, which is why the league plays in summer here. But they had better learn to play in burqas because the Islamofation of a post-Christian continent nears.

My point is Barbie did not compare itself to G.I. Joe. The film went for fun. It debuted in summer when studios release their best movies.

November reigns the dogs of Hollywood, which brings us to The Marvels, a movie that just bombed better than anything Mister Oppenheimer ever invented.

Variety reported, “Box Office: The Marvels Misfires With $47 Million, Lowest MCU Opening Weekend of All Time.”

The second week was worse. Christian Toto reported, “Marvels Plummets up to 80 Percent in Box Office Nightmare.”

Marvels? They should have dialed Beechwood 4-5789 and gotten the Marvelettes, a girl group so good that the Beatles later did a cover of their Please Mister Postman.

So who is to blame for this movie Mess-terpiece not attracting viewers? The Basket of Deplorables.

Variety reported, “Nia DaCosta ignored the haters and made the movie her teenage self would want to see.”

Who?

Variety said, “At 31, DaCosta became the youngest person — and the first black woman — to helm a Marvel Studios picture.”

So she made a movie for an audience of one (her teenage self) and she wonders why she is not 50 points ahead. Before the movie’s release, she made excuses to Variety because she knew it would fail, as the November release date foretold.

She said, “There are pockets where you go because you’re like, I’m a super fan. I want to exist in the space of just adoration — which includes civilized critique.

“Then there are pockets that are really virulent and violent and racist — and sexist and homophobic and all those awful things. And I choose the side of the light. That’s the part of fandom I’m most attracted to.”

I hate to break the news to her, but most people didn’t watch Barbie, which broke box office records in Canada and the United States, hauling in more than $800 million in a few months. That means that less than 20% of the people in those countries saw the movie.

80% of those countries are not “really virulent and violent and racist and sexist and homophobic and all those awful things.” They just didn’t want to go to the theater to see Barbie.

Far fewer are interest in a movie made to please DaCosta’s teenage self — just like they weren’t interested in making the 6-year-old Hillary president.

They are deluded by the sense of entitlement to success. Woke can work. Barbie proved that. But you have to be original. Subbing white actors with people of color actresses is lame and lazy.

Which brings me to Rachel Zegler, who continues to be box office toxic waste. Having tanked Spielberg’s West Side Story and a Shazam! sequel, her debut in a Hunger Games movie hit the theaters this weekend.

Forbes reported, “Despite its $100 million budget, The Hunger Games: Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is projected to become the lowest-grossing opening in the Hunger Games franchise, projected to gross between $50 million and $60 million during its opening weekend.

“That puts it well behind 2012’s The Hunger Games, which grossed $152 million in its first weekend, as well as its sequel, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire ($158 million), The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 (nearly $122 million) and The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, which grossed nearly $130 million, according to Box Office Mojo.”

It is a small wonder why Disney keeps postponing the release of her Snow White film.

Zegler’s marketing hook is that she is Hispanic and that should drive Hispanics into theaters to watch her.

But it doesn’t work that way. There is no entitlement for success simply because you are young, gifted and black or brown — or a bitter, clinging old hag like Hillary.