Highlights of the week

All hail the new Speaker, what's-his-name

BREAKING NEWS: Israel’s Operation FAFO began last night Eastern time.

Don’t want none, don’t start none. From the river to the sea, baby.

ITEM 1: Bearing Arms reported, “As local, state, and federal law enforcement continue to search for the man believed to be responsible for the murder of 18 people and injuries to 13 others in Lewiston, Maine on Wednesday evening, information about the suspect continues to trickle out from official sources.

“One important question has now been answered, and it turns out that the suspected killer was prohibited from purchasing or possessing guns.”

Gun laws work about as well as murder laws when it comes to stopping mass killings.

ITEM 2: Republicans elected Mike Johnson as the new Speaker of the House. Democrats immediately issued a press release that said, “We denounce Republicans for electing the ultra-right, neo-Nazi, racist, sexist, xenophobic [insert name here] as Speaker of the House.”

Those clever Democrats. After McCarthy helped them pass another trillion-dollar budget resolution they helped Matt Gaetz and 7 other MAGA Republicans oust him. For 22 days, there was mirth and merriment in the Democrat Caucus.

Now he’s been replaced by the guy who defended Trump in the impeachments.

ITEM 3: Johnson said, “Twitter was basically an FBI subsidiary before Elon Musk took it over. The Twitter files should be a matter of bipartisan concern for every member of Congress and every American citizen because it is a bedrock principle of our Constitution that the government does not get to decide what speech is acceptable or true.”

He may actually have testicles.

ITEM 4: In another video, Johnson said, “Listen to the language carefully it’s expressly written in the Constitution [snip] the president shall be removed from office on impeachment for and conviction of treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.. I just listed a small sampling, just the tip of the iceberg of the credible allegations and the mounting evidence that shows that Joseph Biden has engaged in bribery schemes.”

I said Republicans needed this intramural fight. The party won.

ITEM 5: The Telegraph reported, “Israel will use novel sponge bombs as it fights through the network of [Palestinian] tunnels under Gaza.

“The Israel Defense Forces has been testing the chemical bombs, which contain no explosives but are used to seal off gaps or tunnel entrances from which fighters may emerge.

“The IDF has not commented on the use of the so-called sponge bombs, which create a sudden explosion of foam that rapidly expands and then hardens.”

Palestinians have sealed their fate.

ITEM 6: Zero Hedge reported, “It has become clear that the IDF has entered its next phase of battle operations, meaning a full ground assault, as heavy aerial bombardment continues. But Israeli officials in the last hours have dubbed this another expanded raid. The Biden White House is now making a show of wanting a more humanitarian approach and has asked Israel to ensure only surgical strikes, and to allow the Strip access to aid.”

You know, for a country that bombed several weddings in Afghanistan and Iraq, we sure have the gumption to DEMAND surgical strikes from an ally.

I prefer the ballpeen hammer approach that makes it clear to Palestinians that rape, torture and beheading carry a heavy price. For every Israeli civilian killed, 10 Palestinians.

ITEM 7: The Daily Mail reported, “Meet Sports Illustrated Swimsuit’s stunning 2024 Rookies — from an NFL cheerleader to a Navy vet and a retired university dean.”

The swimsuit models include Flabby Appleton. The media has gone from promoting safe sex to promoting no sex.

ITEM 8: Just the News reported, “California governor meets with China’s president, ‘divorce is not an option.’”

Commy visits his mommy.

ITEM 9: Powerline reported that the New York Times is clinging to its story about Israelis bombing a hospital and killing 500 people — when in fact it was a Palestinian missile that struck the parking lot and killed 20 people.

As Rick Astley sang, “Never gonna give you up.”

ITEM 10: The New Jersey Globe reported, “Support for Bob Menendez has cratered since his indictment, with approval ratings for the three-term United States Senator now at a jaw-dropping 8%-72%, according to a new Stockton University Poll released today.”

Why are they upset? He didn’t take cash for favors. He took gold bars.

ITEM 11: John Podhoretz whined, “Rather than protecting Jews, we’re being told to hide — again.”

Well, what did Bill Kristol, Jonah Goldberg and the rest of the Never Trumpers expect? Obama, Hillary and Biden hate Jews with a passion that rivals their love of Mao.

Donald Trump was the most pro-Israel president since Truman. Anti-Semitism didn’t die with Adolf. Irv Kristol, Lucianne Goldberg and Norman Podhoretz knew this. Too bad their sons do not.

ITEM 12: The Town of Poca, West Virginia, announced Tuesday will be Trick or Treat Night this year.

Wow, holding Trick or Treat Night on Halloween. That’s a novel idea. Maybe it will catch on.

ITEM 13: The Pentagon said, “Secretary of Defense Lloyd J. Austin III’s Statement on U.S. Military Strikes in Eastern Syria.”

Looks like Ukraine and Gaza aren’t moving us to World War III fast enough. Come on, there are only 15 months left in this administration. Defense contractors will go hungry without one.

ITEM 14: Fox reported, “A New York state Supreme Court ordered all New York City employees who were fired for not being vaccinated to be reinstated with back pay.

“The court found Monday that ‘being vaccinated does not prevent an individual from contracting or transmitting COVID-19.’ New York City Mayor Eric Adams claimed earlier this year that his administration would not rehire employees who had been fired over their vaccination status.”

Where do those who opposed it but complied go to get back their health?

ITEM 15: Politico reported, “One-way plane tickets: NYC offers migrants free travel anywhere to move.”

Anywhere but back where they came from.

ITEM 16: The Daily Caller reported, “The Republican-led Texas House of Representatives passed a major immigration bill package Thursday morning, including one that would give state law enforcement officers the power to remove illegal immigrants to Mexico.”

Move 'em on, head 'em up
Head 'em up, move 'em on
Move 'em on, head 'em up
Rawhide!

ITEM 17: The Center Square reported, “The complete costs of fueling an electric vehicle for 10 years are $17.33 per equivalent gallon of gasoline, a new analysis from the Texas Public Policy Foundation says.”

But on the other hand, it takes only 3 or 4 hours now to recharge an EV (battery operated car).

ITEM 18: The Daily Wire reported, “Satanic Temple Loses Lawsuit Against Indiana Abortion Ban.”

The devil hasn’t had this bad a day in court since Daniel Webster beat him.

ITEM 19: Breitbart reported, “President Joe Biden’s White House has no plans to revoke the visas of those foreign students engaging in demonstrations across United States college campuses in defense of the Islamic terrorist organization Hamas and its attacks on Israel.”

Anti-Semites of a feather stick together.

ITEM 20: Fox reported, “Jewish students at a New York City college were locked inside a school library on Wednesday as a pro-Palestinian rally moved through the building, with protesters banging on the doors and chanting ‘free, free Palestine,’ video shows.”

Free Palestine. Sounds like what is inside every box of Gaza Flakes cereal.

ITEM 21: Zero Hedge reported, “A proposed new Ukrainian law which will ban the Ukrainian Orthodox Church for merely maintaining communion and ties to the Russian Orthodox Church based in Moscow is poised to go into effect. This after its churches and monasteries have already in some instances been subject to brutal raids by police or else ultra-nationalist thugs, which has been met with international silence despite the egregious violation of religions freedom. Bishops have been hauled before courts, priests have been thrown in jail, monks and nuns have been thrown onto the street.”

Experts said the Ukrainian war was a war on democracy. They were right! It is Putin and Zelensky vs. Democracy.

ITEM 22: Tech Crunch reported, “Internet access in Gaza is collapsing as ISPs fall offline.”

Oh the cruelty.

ITEM 23: Alpha News reported, “Derek Chauvin’s attorneys file petition asking U.S. Supreme Court to review case.”

Floyd died of a drug overdose. The court should give Chauvin his life back.

ITEM 24: The New York Post reported, “RFK Jr. quietly changes stance on reparations after major blowback.”

Commy Bobby just lost every MAGA voter, which was the whole purpose of his run.

ITEM 25: The Blaze reported, “Why Dana White & UFC’s Bud Light sponsorship is a VICTORY for America's culture war.”

Sure it is a victory, just like Custer’s at Little Bighorn.

ITEM 26: The Guardian reported, “Tsingtao beer loses its fizz in South Korea after video of worker appearing to urinate into tank.”

Hey. Dana, I found a new sponsor for UFC.

ITEM 27: The New York Post reported, “A Republican lawmaker wants San Francisco’s main federal office building — named after former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi — closed down until the threat to public safety has passed following an explosion of crime outside the facility.

“In early August, the Department of Health and Human Services warned workers to steer clear of the Speaker Nancy Pelosi Federal Building for the foreseeable future over safety concerns, including a proliferation in drug dealing outside the facility.”

Name a building after a crook, expect crime.

ITEM 28: The Daily Mail reported, “Taylor Swift has officially reached billionaire status — 17 years into her illustrious career as music's biggest superstar.

“Bloomberg reported that Swift, 33, is now worth $1.1 billion and joins the coveted ten-digit club which includes Kim Kardashian and Oprah Winfrey.”

So the song for Travis Kelce is Just A Gigolo.