Highlights of the week

ITEM 1: The Daily Wire reported, “A judge in Delaware denied Deadspin’s attempt to get a defamation suit against it tossed out after the sports blog published an article that falsely accused a 9-year-old Kansas City Chiefs fan of wearing blackface at a game last year.”

Go to a ballgame, win a million bucks. It’s a promotional giveaway worthy of Bill Veeck.

ITEM 2: Eli David tweeted, “Sheikh Ibrahim Amin REFUSED nomination as the next Hezbollah leader.”

He said, “If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not live.”

ITEM 3: The Washington Examiner reported, “The Colorado Supreme Court dismissed a lawsuit filed against Jack Phillips after he refused to bake a cake celebrating a gender transition.”

The cake would have depicted Satan licking a dildo. Doesn’t Target stock them now?

ITEM 4: Florida State Guard tweeted, “The Florida State Guard Special Missions Unit and Crisis Response Battalion conducted search and rescue operations in Hillsborough, Pasco, Sarasota, and Manatee counties. During welfare checks, they discovered a neighborhood under 4 feet of water, leaving the entire community trapped. Soldiers evacuated 10 families — 18 individuals, including 6 children and 2 dogs — to nearby shelters for food, water and safety.”

But the media assured me that DeSantis created the state guard as his personal Gestapo. So disappointed.

ITEM 5: NBC reported, “Ron DeSantis is refusing to take Harris’ call on Hurricane Helene.”

President Biden then tweeted, “Tonight, I spoke with Florida Governor DeSantis and Tampa Mayor Castor for firsthand reports on Hurricane Helene recovery and preparations for Hurricane Milton.

“My Administration is ready to support both leaders and the people of Florida with any further resources they may need.”

Kamala has Liz Cheney. Trump has Biden.

ITEM 6: Jeb Bush tweeted, “I’m watching Governor DeSantis’ hurricane briefing. The guy is in total command. Very impressive.”

Please clap.

ITEM 7: Eric Trump tweeted, “Honored to have 275 incredible linemen from FPL at Trump Doral as they get ready to respond to the aftermath of Hurricane Milton! You are amazing and the Trump Family, and entire state of Florida, appreciates you! Enjoy the rooms — they are the best in Florida! Be safe!”

No charge. Meals included.

In 2028, maybe Trump and DeSantis can swap jobs.

ITEM 8: NPR reported, “Fact checking falsehoods about FEMA funding and Hurricane Helene.”

From the same people who assured us ivermectin is horse paste.

ITEM 9: NYT said, “As Major Hurricane Approaches Florida, FEMA Faces Severe Staffing Shortage.”

Maybe they can send in some of those 87,000 IRS agents Biden hired.

ITEM 10: Stacy McCain reported, “We’re All Shocked — Shocked! — to Discover ‘Men for Kamala’ Are Fake.”

Turns out the five Men for Kamala are all professional actors. Two are gay. It seems about right that two out of every five men for Kamala are as light in the loafers as her running mate is.

ITEM 11: Amuse reported, “Disgraced General Mark Milley has confided that he worries that he will be recalled to active duty to face court martial once Trump takes office. Milley has repeatedly admitted to treasonous actions including clandestine conversations with Chinese officials promising them advanced notice of U.S. military actions.

“He held secret meetings with members of the Democrat Party promising them that he had complete control of the the U.S. military and had forged alliances with top commanders. He even ensured that the National Guard would NOT be allowed to protect the Capitol on January 6th. The fact is that Milley deserves his day in court — if he’s done nothing wrong the court martial will determine that — if he has he will be held accountable.”

Don’t worry. Chairman Xi will get him the best lawyers in the military.

ITEM 12: Kamala went on 60 Minutes.

BILL WHITAKER: Your economic plan would add $3 trillion to the deficit over 10 years. How do you pay for it?

HARRIS: Trump’s plan is worse!

WHITAKER: But how do you pay for it?

HARRIS: Well, the rich need to pay their fair share!

WHITAKER: And how do you get this through Congress when no one has expressed support for it?

HARRIS: I’m a capitalist, ya know!

It’s like her campaign staff wants her to lose now.

ITEM 13: Whitaker also said, “You’ve changed your positions so much that no one believes anything.”

She said, “Well, I’m the vice president and I travel a lot.”

I don’t think she wants to win.

ITEM 14: National Review reported, “ ‘Not a Thing That Comes to Mind’: Harris Says She Wouldn’t Do Anything Differently from Biden over Past Four Years.”

That’s her default answer to any question.

ITEM 15: What the Glock?

The Federalist reported, “Kamala Harris Wanted To Ban The Gun She Now Claims To Own.”

New rule: any gun the government bans, the government cannot have.

ITEM 16: Fox sneered, “CBS News staff told not to refer to Jerusalem as being in Israel.”

CBS now is the Kamala of TV news.

ITEM 17: The Bulwark barked, “Biology Explains Why People Normalize Trump.”

Psychiatry explains why people demonize Trump.

ITEM 18: FOX News Media reported, “FOX News Media proposes Trump-Harris presidential debate in Pennsylvania.”

I’d rather watch Bill Kristol as the captain in a re-launch of the Love Boat.

POP QUIZ:

ITEM 19: The Athens Banner-Herald reported, “Georgia Board of Regents seeking to ban transgender women from college sports.”

Women object to men turning volleyball into dodgeball.

ITEM 20: NYT reported, “Ukraine’s Parliament Approves Biggest Tax Hike of War to Support the Army.”

Look for a quick ceasefire now that Ukraine has to pay for its own war.

ITEM 21: CNN reported, “Kamala Harris has raised $1 billion since launching presidential campaign.”

What tricks did she turn to get the money?

ITEM 22: Trump told the Detroit Economic Club, “Today I am also announcing that as part of our tax cuts, we will make interest on car loans fully deductible.”

The Mean Old Wife still says no to a Bentley convertible. No 12 cylinders for me.

Please sob.

ITEM 23: Eli David tweeted, “Wafiq Safa, Head of Hezbollah’s Internal Security, was eliminated.”

Hezbollah’s payroll costs are going way down.

They need austerity because Open Source Intel tweeted, “Most of Hezbollah’s cash and gold reserves were destroyed in Israel’s recent strike that eliminated the Hezbollah leader at their headquarters. An estimated $1.5 billion in cash was incinerated, and 2,000 pounds of gold were melted into the earth during the attack.”

$1.5 billion incinerated — just like Congress does every day.

ITEM 24: Visegrád 24 tweeted, “Italy deports the pro-Hamas imam Zulfiqar Khan for reasons of national security.”

He’s lived there 25 years. Israel’s success encourages others.

ITEM 25: A panelist on CNN asked, “As a black lesbian, who Donald Trump doesn’t believe has genes as good as his, is he going to try to exterminate me?”

The answer is no need to. As a black lesbian, she voluntarily left the gene pool.

ITEM 26: Zero Hedge reported, “Univision Host Denies Kamala Teleprompter Claim, Which Explains This Rambling Answer.”

Democrats are so desperate that they pushed her into campaigning — and she loses votes at each campaign stop. Next time she goes on Colbert’s show, she should bring a bong instead of a beer my grandpa drank.

ITEM 27: Zero Hedge also reported, “ ‘Not Acceptable’: Obama Scolds Black ‘Brothers’ For Not Backing Harris — Blames Sexism.”

I liked Biden’s “you ain’t black” better because it was more honest and about as subtle as a firetruck headed to a fire.

ITEM 28: Newt Gingrich said, “We're in the early stages of watching her collapse. It’s just my hunch that sometime in the last two weeks, Joe and Jill looked at each other and thought, you know, wouldn’t it be a great legacy if Joe’s the only guy ever to beat Trump? And I think the stuff he’s done to undermine her in the last ten days is pretty amazing.”

The eye of the Newt sees all.

ITEM 29: Clay Travis tweeted, “Kamala’s husband, Doug Emhoff, got his nanny pregnant, slapped a past girlfriend so hard he made her spin around, and has been sued for being a misogynist at his law firm. This is the guy Democrats have argued is the antidote to toxic masculinity.”

If Dougie settles out of court, will he go to prison for election interference under New York law?

ITEM 30: Tampon Tim told Jimmy Kimmel, “I plan on waking up on November 6th with Madam President.”

Hmm. Is he putting his lime in the Coconut?

ITEM 31: Glenn Youngkin tweeted, “With less than 30 days until the election, the Biden-Harris Department of Justice is filing an unprecedented lawsuit against me and the Commonwealth of Virginia, for appropriately enforcing a 2006 law to remove noncitizens from the voter rolls.”

Sure she’s 7 points ahead in Virginia. Sure, sure, sure.

FINALLY, the Korean Surbers are back home after a week in Poca, West Virginia. They wore out me and my wife. The boy will soon turn 4 and the girl is already standing at 8 months. Grandpa almost got her walking. Almost.

Don’t feel sad. It was a joyous occasion. Thanks to the Internet, I see them every day — likely more often than if they lived in Rock Branch.