Highlights of the week

Nikki thinks the nomination is like a beauty contest in which the runner-up automatically replaces the winner if anything should happen.

ITEM 1: Michigan held presidential primaries. Donald John Trump received 755,909 votes and Nikki received 294,334 votes.

Nikki said, “We have a country to save.”

Looks like voters are saving us from a President Haley.

In the Democrat primary, FJB received 617,728 votes, or 128,181 votes shy of Trump’s total. Looks like they better order even more mail-in ballots for November as they vote early and often.

ITEM 2: AP reported, “Supreme Court will hear Donald Trump immunity arguments in April.”

Wasn’t he already charged with this and acquitted in his impeachment trial? People today think double jeopardy is just the second round of a game show.

ITEM 3: Justice KBJ said, “Guns with bump stocks can fire 800 rounds a second.”

Cool. Mark me down for a dozen.

ITEM 4: Atlanta News First reported, “Judge to decide on Fulton DA Fani Willis’ disqualification within two weeks, he says.”

Sounds like somebody’s fanny is in Wilford Brimley’s briefcase.

But it gives Biden two weeks to buy off the judge. Maybe Democrats can do a telethon.

ITEM 5: Hunter the Bribened testified before Congress. The Hill reported it as “Hunter Biden asks GOP: What about Jared Kushner?”

Kushner did cocaine?

By the way, Kushner did testify before Congress for hours on end. The story didn’t mention that.

ITEM 6: Zero Hedge reported, “U.S. GDP ‘Grew’ $334 Billion In Q4.... That Growth Cost $834 Billion In Debt.”

It is like buying 1,000 scratch-off tickets to win $300.

ITEM 7: Politico reported, “Pennsylvania progressive Rep. Summer Lee has bowed out of a speaking engagement with a Muslim group after intense backlash about other speakers’ anti-Semitic and homophobic comments.”

I like how the reporter had to throw homophobic in there. Nowadays, being anti-Semitic is not enough to turn off a Democrat. You have to offend the LGBT crowd as well. It’s like, sure, Hitler threw Jews in the oven, but what really made him evil was calling gay men fags.

ITEM 8: Mel in North Carolina tweeted, “When I got asked to look into Letitia James’ financials last week, I really wasn’t expecting to find much.”

Mel hit the mother lode. In 6 years she spent $384,495 in campaign funds on hotels, air fare, car rentals, reimbursements and food. (“These are receipts for everything from $18 at Dunkin Donuts to $60 at Dave & Busters to $165 at an oyster bar in Massachusetts and then $700 at a steakhouse in Brooklyn.”)

I don’t know which is worse. Using a campaign slush fund to buy donuts or eating $18 worth of donuts like that.

ITEM 9: At 7 AM on Wednesday I posted, “Thank you, Mitch. Now will you kindly step down as Republican leader and let a conservative take the job.”

5 hours later, the Never Trump Review reported, “Mitch McConnell to Step Down as Senate Republican Leader in November.”

I’m like E.F. Hutton. When Surber speaks, Mitch listens.

ITEM 10: Maybe not. McConnell said, “It's pretty safe to say we all agree we need to avoid a government shutdown. Under no circumstances does anybody want to shut the government down.”

What do you mean we, paleface?

ITEM 11: The Daily Mail reported, “North Carolina State swim star is stripped of title after breaking bizarre celebration rule with teammate, who slams ‘dumbest thing in swimming.’”

The NCAA is OK with men winning women’s competition but not OK with a man winning a men’s competition.

ITEM 12: The Daily Caller reported, “Denver, Colorado, may furlough some of its existing staff, while considerations were previously made to start hiring illegal immigrants to work for the city, according to The Daily Wire.”

This is literally the replacement theory in action.

ITEM 13: The Daily Mail reported, “NFL star Justin Jefferson faces paternity lawsuit in New Jersey after allegedly pressuring ex-girlfriend to get an abortion: Mother seeks healthcare and support as $20 million Vikings wideout looks to silence her.”

He is the Hunter Biden of the NFL — without the coke.

ITEM 14: Attor­ney Gen­er­al Ken Pax­ton boasted, “Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton secured a major victory in defense of the United States Constitution, with a court ruling that the $1.7 trillion omnibus spending package was unlawfully passed by the U.S. House of Representatives in 2022 without a quorum physically present as constitutionally required. The Court enjoined the defendants—the United States Attorney General, the United States Department of Justice, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, and their officials—from enforcing a provision of the Consolidated Appropriations Act of 2023 against the State of Texas that was proved to impose unjust cost burdens on the State.”

None of the $1,700,000,000,000 spent illegally will be returned to taxpayers.

ITEM 15: Jody Plauché tweeted on Leap Year Day, “It was 10 Leap Years ago today that my karate teacher and kidnapper, Jeff Doucet, was arrested for aggregated kidnapping. It would only be 16 days away before my father, Gary Plauché, would shoot and kill him in front of a TV News Camera! 40th Anniversary.”

The dad plea-dealed it down to manslaughter and received a stern letter in his permanent record with zero prison time.

ITEM 16: The Hill said, “Haley-Phillips 2024: A unity ticket to bridge our political divide and return power to the people.”

It’s a ticket to nowhere.

ITEM 17: SciTechDaily reported, “Freezing Positronium Atoms With Lasers To Unlock Secrets of Antimatter.”

Positronium Atoms With Lasers! Replace the positronium atoms with sharks and it’s Dr. Evil’s plan come true.

ITEM 18: The Daily Mail reported, “Freshman Alabama Sen. Katie Britt has been chosen by Republicans to deliver the rebuttal to President Biden's State of the Union address next week.”

Not Trump because that might get him re-elected by a Too Big A Landslide To Steal.

ITEM 19: The New York Post reported, “Chicago cop sues city for right to change his race after department allows officers to change genders.”

He makes a legitimate case. Only 5 of the city’s last 75 race-neutral merit promotions to sergeant went to a Caucasian.

The story said, “Mohammad Yusuf, 43, said in a federal civil rights lawsuit filed last week that he is looking to change from Caucasian as he ‘currently identifies as Egyptian and African American.’ However, the Chicago Police Department is not allowing him to change his race.

I cannot wait for the judge to order him to prove himself and walk like an Egyptian.

ITEM 20: AP reported, “Snow falls as Texas battles historic wildfires.”

Prayer works.

ITEM 21: CNN reported, “Bud Light boycott likely cost Anheuser-Busch InBev over $1 billion in lost sales.”

The Bud Light In The Loafers campaign replaced New Coke as the biggest marketing failure ever.

ITEM 22: Just the News reported, “The effort to revive Russian collusion claims in Joe Biden's impeachment probe is running into an inconvenient truth for Democrats: Hunter Biden and his business partners waged a concerted campaign to squeeze oligarchs in Vladimir Putin's country for investments, an effort that ultimately paved the way for the first son to score a big payday from Burisma Holdings in neighboring Ukraine.

“Hunter Biden and his partners' pursuit of Russian riches began as early as 2010 with payments from a Moscow-based machinery firm and its "patriarch," and they intensified a few years later at a time when Joe Biden's son was actually still serving as a U.S. Navy officer. That timeline is confirmed by bank records, contemporaneous emails and congressional testimony that chronicle a far larger effort by Biden, Inc. to target Moscow than has previously been acknowledged.

“Along the way, Hunter Biden and his partners like Devon Archer discussed plans to open up a Moscow office for their Rosemont firm, create a U.S-Russia business coalition and pursue a real estate venture with one oligarch that could have topped out at $1 billion, the evidence shows.”

They are all in on it. The Clintons milked $140 million from Russians and others through their fake charity when she was secretary of state. Kerry milked money through his stepson, who was Hunter’s partner. Obama’s kickbacks were laundered through his Netflix deal. Romney, Pelosi and just about every other supporter of Zelensky was part of the Kyiv Connection to Corruption.

The media knows this but Disney and the rest are in on it. Musk and Trump pose the threat of exposure. We’ve been living in a banana republic since Obama took over.

ITEM 23: The Daily Caller reported, “FBI Raids Home Of Longtime Aide To NYC Mayor Eric Adams.”

Adams should have kept his mouth shut and took the illegal aliens in without blaming Il Douche.

ITEM 24: In compliance with a state funding cut, the University of Florida fired all its DEI staff. Governor DeSantis tweeted, “DEI is toxic and has no place in our public universities. I’m glad that Florida was the first state to eliminate DEI and I hope more states follow suit.”

Well, maybe they can get jobs at Disney.

ITEM 25: The Daily Caller reported, “Former President Donald Trump said he spoke with the parents of murdered nursing student Laken Riley Thursday while visiting Eagle Pass, Texas.”

FJB has not even acknowledged her murder, for which an illegal alien was charged.

Don’t politicize a death say the people who burned down cities over George Floyd.

ITEM 26: The Sporting News reported, “How to watch the Iditarod 2024: Start time, live stream and more to watch Alaska sled dog race.”

It begins today, It covers 975 miles — nearly twice as long as the Indianapolis 500.

ITEM 27: Climate Defiance defines itself as a “brand-new, youth-led group using direct action to resist fossil fuels.”

It tweeted, “we just called Joe Manchin a sick fuck. We humiliated him in front of a herd of Harvard elites. He squared up. We held firm. Barbaric murderer, hideous fiend, he torches humanity and laughs.”

The video showed a 76-year-old man being stopped by an aide from punching out a Tom Soy-er.

ITEM 28: Fox reported, “Google loses $96 billion in value on Gemini fallout as CEO does damage control.”

Gemini was its AI project that gave the world black Founding Fathers as it tries to blackwash history.

Some call its move gaslighting. I call it Bud Lighting. How much is AOL worth today?

ITEM 29: The Mercury News reported, “California baseball star and political rookie Steve Garvey clears fences, edges into first in latest poll.”

The bad news for him is most of those polled thought they were voting for Steve Harvey.