Highlights of the week

We start the day literally with a punch line

ITEM 1: South Carolinians face a tough choice in today’s presidential primary.

Do they vote FOR Trump or AGAINST Nikki?

ITEM 2: Al Jazeera reported, “US pulls off first moon landing since 1972 with spacecraft Odysseus.”

The Daily Mail reported, “One giant tumble for mankind! NASA confirms $118 million Odysseus lunar aircraft has TIPPED OVER onto its side after failed landing on the moon.”

We blew a 52-year lead on space travel and now cannot even put a tin can on the moon, let alone a man.

ITEM 3: The National Post reported, “Strong immigration has helped slow population aging in Canada.”

We have found the Fountain of Youth. Comic Ben Bankas tweeted, “Due to mass immigration I’m now 20 years old.”

ITEM 4: Zero Hedge reported, “On Thursday night, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu presented Israel's security cabinet with a much anticipated document outlining plans for the day after Hamas in the Gaza Strip. He's repeatedly vowed to not stop the large-scale military operation Gaza until the terror group is completely eradicated — a tall order which some analysts say could take years to actually accomplish — and the question of who will rule Gaza in the aftermath has become a contentious one.”

The two-state solution of letting Palestinians have Gaza failed. Israel must man up and run the whole danged country. I noticed that not a single Arab nation stands with the Palestinians now. Iran, Harvard and London are not part of Arabia

ITEM 5: Politico reported, “Pentagon slashes weapons programs to stay under debt deal.”

But there will be no decrease in the number of generals or funds for transsexual surgery. When Red China attacks, we’ll blind them with the sunlight off all those stars.

ITEM 6: National Review reported, “Hunter Biden’s Lawyers Accuse Federal Prosecutors of Mistaking Sawdust for Cocaine in Evidentiary Photographs.”

Sure they did. Hunter is a collector of sawdust.

ITEM 7: Study Finds reported, “Scientists have successfully grown working ‘testicles in a dish’ that could one day help solve male infertility, which affects one in 12 men worldwide. Researchers at Bar-Ilan University in Israel produced tiny organoids — artificial miniature organs — that closely mimic the structure and function of natural testicles. These lab-grown organs, cultured from cells sampled from mouse testes, formed small tubules that parallel the sperm-producing seminiferous tubules found in real testicles.”

Who wants mouse testicles? Elephant testicles! That’s for me.

ITEM 8: Democrat Congressman Dan Goldman told CNN, “It now appears as if the House Republican majority is being used by Russia to interfere in the 2024 election.”

How dare Republicans interfere with our elections.

ITEM 9: NYT reported Russia arrested a dual citizenship (Russian and American) ballerina for treason for giving $50 to Ukraine.

That’s the trouble with dual citizenship: you double your chances of being accused of treason. If only she played basketball, Biden would care.

ITEM 10: Judge Crazy Eyes found Donald Trump guilty and fined him a ga-jillion dollars.

So he committed fraud by borrowing money and paying it back with interest — while Biden ignores the Supreme Court and writes off billions in loans taken out by mostly Democrat college students.

ITEM 11: Letitia James, the Fani Willis of the North, wants to seize Trump’s property. A reader reminded me, “When brothel owner Joe Conforte got sideways with the IRS they seized the Mustang Ranch Brothel and tried to operate it. They could not make a profit running a whorehouse and a bar.

“Trump will lose the assets and had to know that going in. He has to sell them to appeal.

“Let NYC pay the Trump Tower employees, collect the rents and do the maintenance.”

Letitia should have read The Ransom of Red Chief before seizing anything.

ITEM 12: The Daily Mail reported, “Mississippi cop is arrested for shoplifting in UNIFORM after being ‘caught stealing $140 pair of shoes from a Dick’s Sporting Goods.’”

DEI hire.

ITEM 13: AP said that Remington, the nation’s oldest gun-maker, is leaving New York 208 years after Eliphalet Remington forged his first rifle barrel there.

Earlier, the company took out loans and did not repay them, so officials are safe from a Letitia lawsuit charging them with fraud.

ITEM 14: ABC said, “Four days after a judge ordered former President Donald Trump to pay $354 million in his civil fraud case, New York Attorney General Letitia James told ABC News that she is prepared to seize the former president’s assets if he is unable to find the cash to cover the fine.”

Maybe he could borrow the money and this time not pay it back to avoid charges of fraud.

ITEM 15: Fox reported, “Florida K-9 dies after being shot while protecting deputies from ‘armed criminal’: sheriff.”

“Armed criminal.” It is pretty hard to shoot and kill a dog unarmed, but whatever, Fox.

ITEM 16: Nick Arama reported, “Bad News for Democrats: GOP’s Chances of Flipping the Senate Are Looking Even Better.”

Don’t worry. Mitch will do everything he can to stop this.

ITEM 17: Alan M. Garber, president of Harvard, condemned an anti-Semitic cartoon in an unusual message to the Harvard community.

Like I said last week, if you make a DEI hire, you had better back it up by having a white man around to actually do the job the DEI cannot.

ITEM 18: PJ Media reported, “Teamsters Make First Donation to Republicans Since 2004.”

And Republicans won only one of those contests.

ITEM 19: ABC reported, “Biden cancels $1.2 billion in student loan debt for 150,000 borrowers.”

So much for a Supreme Court ruling.

College no longer educates, it indoctrinates. And students pay what a starter house costs to get a degree. Stalin is kicking himself for not thinking up a way to have people pay for their own re-education. Americans are the best at everything, which is why our communists are far better than ones in Cuba and Red China.

ITEM 20: DEI has hit Google’s Gemini AI and its depictions of historic figures are hilarious.

Live by DEI, die by DEI.

ITEM 21: CBS reported, “Military says high-altitude balloon detected over Western U.S. doesn't pose a threat.”

That’s what they told us last year when Red China launched a high-altitude balloon.

ITEM 22: Libs of TikTok tweeted, “UNREAL. National MS Society forced a 90-year-old volunteer to step down because she wasn’t inclusive enough after she asked what pronouns are.

“Fran volunteered for 60 years and her late husband had MS.”

It’s become the National M$ Society. Cynthia Zagieboylo, its president and CEO, made $473,993 last year.

ITEM 23: ABC reported, “Investigators in Owasso, Oklahoma, are investigating the death of a nonbinary student one day after a physical altercation with other students.

“On Wednesday, Owasso Police shared an update on the ongoing investigation and noted that a complete autopsy was performed on the student by the medical examiner. Police said the autopsy did not indicate that the student died as a result of trauma.”

So he wasn’t beaten to death because state law required him to use the boys john. Unfortunately, the narrative will live on because once the news media reports a lie, it never is retracted.

ITEM 24: Collin Rugg tweeted that the “FBI is reportedly investigating ‘super mayor’ Tiffany Henyard for abusing her position of power.

“About time.

“Henyard has gone viral for comparing herself to Jesus, shutting down businesses who don’t donate to her, using money for music videos, hiring a child r*pist as a code enforcement officer, proposing a law to cut the salary of any mayor besides herself to $25k, spending taxpayer dollars on Las Vegas trips and much more.”

She is the FIRST black woman mayor of Dolton, Illinois. She said Martin Luther King had a dream and added, “I am the dream.”

Given the FBI’s handling of Hunter Biden’s crimes, look for anyone willing to testify against her to be arrested and charged with lying to the FBI. See something, say nothing.

ITEM 25: Fox reported, “Colorado town unanimously declares non-sanctuary status as nearby Denver grapples with migrants: ‘No room.’”

Where will all those illegals go? Home?

ITEM 26: Off the Press reported, “Red Lobster Dumps All-You-Can-Eat Deal After Suffering Huge Losses.”

Customers ate up their profits.

ITEM 27: Collin Rugg tweeted, “After firing investigative reporter Catherine Herridge who was investigating the Hunter Biden laptop story, CBS reportedly seized her belongings.

“Nothing to see here. The network reportedly seized all of her belongings including files, computers and most importantly, information on privileged sources.”

Undoubtedly, CBS turned this all over to the feds because we now live in the Banana Republic of America. We no longer are Americans. We’re bananas.

ITEM 28: The Sun reported, “Joe Biden hugs Alexei Navalny’s widow after calling Vladimir Putin ‘crazy son of a b***h.’”

After his five-minute hug and hair sniff, Mrs. Navalny decided immediately to return to Moscow rather than deal with Biden.

The story said, “Navalny died in an Arctic jail in suspicious circumstances.”

Jeff Epstein could not be reached for comment.

ITEM 29: The Jerusalem Post reported, “NYT journalist accused of infiltrating into Israel on Oct. 7 wins award.

“The organization said they won for ‘chronicling Israel’s bombardment and invasion of their homeland, Gaza. The two photographed the conflict from its opening hours on Oct. 7.’”

They just happened to be there when Palestinian soldiers just happened to make a sneak attack on Israel, which included the gangraping of women.

ITEM 30: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “Terror Victims Sue Associated Press for Employing Alleged Hamas Affiliate.

“AP freelance photographer Hassan Eslaiah had advance knowledge of Hamas attack, suit alleges.”

Hamas-shielding AP claims it knows nothing, Colonel Hogan. Nothing!

ITEM 31: AT&T cellphones suffered an outage on Thursday, causing a temporary disconnection.

Cellphones are an excellent name for them because they imprison people, many of whom actually looked up for the first time in weeks when their phones went dead.

Totally unrelated, pedestrian-vehicle accidents fell to zero in parts of the country on Thursday.

ITEM 32: Matt Wallace tweeted, “Will you switch from Gmail to Xmail after Elon Musk releases it?”

X Mail?

This tranny thing has gone too far.

FINALLY, in case you have forgotten, the fellow in the bottom right of today’s graphic is Jim Jones, the liberal fake preacher who ordered 900 people in Jonestown to drink poisoned Kool-Aid. Being Democrats, they did as they were told and died.