Highlights of the Week

Ah yes, The Case of the Blue Öyster Cult Song. I remember it well.

Spoiler alert: Perry Mason won the case.

ITEM 1: Tucker Carlson blew away the insurrection narrative by showing footage of the actual event.

The Washington Post bleated, “Capitol Police chief blasts Tucker Carlson over ‘misleading’ Jan. 6 footage.”

The story said, “He said that Capitol Police were badly outnumbered.”

There are 1,800 officers on the force plus 300 civilians. There were 600 protesters.

ITEM 2: Jonathan Turley reported, “Fox News is reporting sources as saying that these videotapes were handed over to the FBI soon after Jan. 6th. If true, the Justice Department did have the evidence and failed to turn it over to the defense as constitutionally required.”

In the 21st century, the Constitution is just a suggestion.

ITEM 3: Kanekoa The Great tweeted, “Sgt. Tyler Vargas-Andrews, a U.S. Marine Corps sniper, tells Congress that he was denied permission to shoot the suicide bomber in Afghanistan that killed 13 service members and over 170 civilians.”

I had to go to a Substack account for this report because the media buried the lead like it was Tutankhamun.

ITEM 4: Jon Haidt wrote, “Why the Mental Health of Liberal Girls Sank First and Fastest.”

He has it backward. Their mental health sank to where they became liberals.

ITEM 5: NBC reported, “Archrivals Iran and Saudi Arabia agreed Friday to restore diplomatic relations, a dramatic breakthrough brokered by Red China after years of soaring tensions between the Middle Eastern powerhouses.”

Under Biden, the USA is a former superpower. Chairman Xi’s 2025 plan is on schedule.

ITEM 6: Zelensky demanded Kevin McCarthy report to Kyiv.

McCarthy told reporters, “Let’s be very clear about what I said: no blank checks. Okay? So, from that perspective, I don’t have to go to Ukraine to understand where there’s a blank check or not.”

15 ballots to become speaker wiped the RINO right out of him.

ITEM 7: Just the News reported, “Federal judge rules Biden's border policies illegal, like a flashing ‘Come In, We're Open’ sign.”

Fact check: The sign actually reads, “Kick me.”

ITEM 8: Legal Insurrection reported, “Jill Biden, Secretary Blinken Give Biological Male an International Women of Courage Award.”

Reminds me of the time FDR gave a Negro of the Year award to Al Jolson for singing Mammy.

ITEM 9: Fox reported, “Sen. Warren weighs in on movement to change Massachusetts state flag over ‘White supremacy culture.’”

Protesters object because the flag has an Indian on it. Just put her mug on the flag. Problem solved.

ITEM 10: The New York Post reported, “‘Teacher of the Year’ Jacqueline Ma, 34, arrested for alleged sexual abuse of former student.” The kid was 13.

The story said, “Many Lincoln Acres parents told NBC 7 that they thought Ma had a great connection with her students . . .”

I’ll say she did.

ITEM 11: Newsweek reported, “Florida TV Cuts Feed as Ron DeSantis Shows Explicit Content in School Books.”

Porn. Well, that’s one way to get Johnny to read.

ITEM 12: Joe Manchin wrote in the Houston Chronicle, “The Biden Admin panders to climate activists. I won't support their nominees.”

Just like he voted to repeal Obamacare and opposed that trillion-dollar spending spree. He is holding out for another deal. Another Maserati, perhaps?

ITEM 13: CBS reported, “Gov. Gavin Newsom tests positive for COVID-19 for 2nd time.”

Governor Brylcreem locked down California and got covid twice.

DeSantis re-opened Florida after a few weeks and never got covid.

ITEM 14: Show Buzz Daily showed that Newsmax’s coverage of President Trump finished 19th among Saturday’s cable news shows — ahead of all of MSNBC’s shows and all but one CNN show, which finished 18th.

The No. 1 show was Fox’s coverage of Trump’s speech.

ITEM 15: Fox reported that CNN’s prime-time special on Monday “Jill Biden Abroad averaged a dismal 368,000 total viewers.”

The story said, “It was CNN’s worst weekday performance at 9 p.m. since June 17, 2022, with the exception of Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, Good Friday and Martin Luther King Jr. Day.”

Finally, the Bidens are doing some good for America by killing CNN.

ITEM 16: Just the News reported, “Biden’s document story keeps changing, this time by nine boxes.”

Not included in the total is how many boxes of classified material he sold to Red China.

ITEM 17: Frontpage reported, “Nuclear Base Focuses on Diversity, Fails Nuclear Inspections.”

Sure, we will lose the next war but we will look fabulous losing it.

ITEM 18: Reuters reported, “A U.S. Department of Justice official on Tuesday urged a panel to swiftly comply with a congressional directive to increase prison sentences for so-called straw purchasers of guns, despite concerns that doing so might disproportionately impact black people.”

Laws against murder also disproportionately impact black people who commit them. In the name of equity, legalize it.

ITEM 19: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported, “An Atlanta attorney for the Southern Poverty Law Center, among the 23 people arrested after violence erupted at the future site of a public safety training center, was a victim of ‘heavy-handed law enforcement intervention against protesters,’ the nonprofit said.

“Thomas Webb Jurgens, 28, was arrested Sunday and charged with domestic terrorism, Atlanta police said. Jurgens was among those charged after protesters threw large rocks, bricks, Molotov cocktails and fireworks at officers and torched construction equipment at the site of the planned center.”

“Jurgens was working at the time of his arrest, according to the SPLC.”

I think we found the domestic terrorists the SPLC said it was looking for.

ITEM 20: The New York Post reported, “CNBC analyst Jim Cramer is once again being pilloried on social media after a clip resurfaced showing the Mad Money host recommending viewers buy shares of Silicon Valley Bank’s parent company, which owns the tech-driven commercial lender that swiftly collapsed on Friday.”

It now is the second-largest bank collapse in U.S. history after Washington Mutual in 2008.

The FDIC will now take its Monopoly money and bail out SVB depositors.

ITEM 21: Headlines from Matt Drudge:

Cyndi Lauper compares anti-LGBTQ bills to Nazi Germany: This is how Hitler started...

Ken Burns says DeSantis legislation like 'Soviet system'...

Nazis or commies? Come on, people, make up your minds.

ITEM 22: The Free Press reported, “While All Eyes Are On DeSantis For A Presidential Run, A Florida Law Still Stands In His Way.”

It’s called The Crystals Law: Don’t you run, Ron-Ron. Don’t you run, Ron.

ITEM 23: Jeremy's Chocolates has two new offerings: SheHer and HeHim because sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t. HeHim has nuts. SheHer don’t.

People are like that, too.

ITEM 24: Pajama Media reported, “Michelle Obama Sobbed Uncontrollably After Trump Inauguration.”

It was The Gift, wasn’t it?

ITEM 25: AP reported, “The Arkansas House sent the GOP governor a bill Wednesday to make it easier to sue doctors who provide [transsexual surgery and pills] to minors, moving to effectively reinstate the state’s blocked ban on such care.”

Groomers hardest hit.

ITEM 26: The FBI boasted, “The FBI narrowly defeated its hockey rivals, the U.S. Secret Service, in a 2-1 win on March 4.”

Secret Service agents ain’t dumb. They don't want to be Mike Flynn-ed.

ITEM 27: The Washington Examiner reported, “The FBI coordinated secretly with hospitals and medical centers to strip U.S. citizens of their rights to own, buy, or even use firearms, according to a trove of internal documents obtained by the Washington Examiner.”

Should have let the FBI win that hockey game, granny.

ITEM 28: The New York Post reported, “CNN political analyst Kasie Hunt went into a 13-minute sudden labor in the bathroom of her home before giving birth to a healthy baby girl, the journalist said.”

Instead of singing Happy Birthday each year, they can play the Beatles’ She Came In Through the Bathroom Window.

ITEM 29: The Right Scoop reported, “James O’Keefe reveals courageous Pfizer whistleblower live on stage at CPAC.”

Now you know why the board at Project Veritas wanted him gone.

ITEM 30: The Hollywood Reporter said, “Chris Rock Slams Will Smith in Live Comedy Special for Netflix: ‘I’m Not a Victim, Baby.’”

Revenge is not best served cold.

Revenge is best served in a Netflix special where you make millions and call your attacker out as a cuckold.

ITEM 31: Slay News reported, “A high-profile former Clinton lawyer has been killed in a freak incident that caused no other injuries after the plane she was traveling on hit turbulence during the flight.”

Never fly Air Arkancide.

ITEM 32: Chicks on the Right reported, “Maryland Dems Say Kids Under 25 Can’t Commit Felony Murder As ‘Their Brains Aren’t Fully Developed.’ So, Trans Procedures? Voting?”

The technical term for people whose brains aren’t fully developed is Democrats.

ITEM 33: Military.com reported, “Army’s New Ad Campaign Brings Back ‘Be All You Can Be’ As It Courts Gen Z.”

The difference this time is the ad promotes the free sex change operation you can get if you enlist.