Highlights of the week
ITEM 1: Benny Johnson tweeted with video, “Congresswoman Nancy Mace just officially entered into the Congressional Record her messages from an unhinged CNN panel host hitting on her in private after blasting her as a white supremacist during on-air meltdown for mispronouncing Kamala’s name.”
I thought all the men at CNN were homosexuals.
ITEM 2: NYT said, “The Fed’s Big Rate Cut Wasn’t Political. It Was an Economic No-Brainer.”
The rate cut was so not political that Disney’s ABC is thinking of replacing David Muir with Jay Powell.
ITEM 3: The College Fix reported, “Pro-cop cafe owner wins $4 million after Boise State bullying: University violated her First Amendment rights, jury concluded.”
Boise State, the Oberlin of Idaho.
ITEM 4: Morning Consult’s poll on Tuesday gave Kamala a 6-point lead over President Trump after the debate.
In July it said, “Biden Has Lost Little Swing-State Support Following First Debate.”
Biden did so well in that debate that Democrats made sure there would not be a second one.
ITEM 5: The Daily Mail reported, “New York Times apologizes to furious Scottish readers after calling Baby Reindeer star Richard Gadd's Emmys sporran a black fanny pack.”
Now do the Russian Hoax.
ITEM 6: Fox reported, “Iran tried to influence election by sending stolen material from Trump campaign to Biden’s camp, FBI says.”
Fact check on whether Democrats turned the offer down: It depends. Did anyone’s pager at the DNC explode?
ITEM 7: Jacob N. Kornbluh tweeted, “Trump leads Harris 54-44 among Jewish voters in New York, according to the Siena poll.”
Palestinians are giving Democrats headaches in Michigan over the FAFO War. It’s a lose/lose situation.
Popcorn?
ITEM 8: Florida is investigating the second attempted assassination on Trump. Ron DeSantis said, “It's not in the best interest of our state or our nation that the same federal agencies that are seeking to prosecute Donald Trump are leading this investigation.”
It is not in the best interest of the nation to be prosecuting Trump.
ITEM 9: Campus Reform reported, “Arizona State provides $1,000 scholarship to those ‘positively contributing to the LGBTQ community.’ ”
Let’s call it the Tiny Tim Walz Scholarship.
ITEM 10: Oprah held a townhall for her new BFF Kamala.
She needs new BFFs because her old ones keep landing in jail.
ITEM 11: Benny Johnson tweeted, “Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs placed on suicide watch.”
(Gets out kazoo and prepares to play Taps.)
ITEM 12: Kamala told Oprah, “If somebody breaks into my house, they’re getting shot. Ha ha ha! Sorry, probably shouldn’t have said that! Ha ha ha! But my staff will deal with that later. Ha ha ha!”
It’s nice to have Secret Service protection.
Well, unless you are Donald Trump.
ITEM 13: The New York Post giggled, “New York magazine’s Washington correspondent Olivia Nuzzi was placed on leave after she had an alleged romantic relationship with former independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr while covering his campaign.”
Screw the media, eh?
ITEM 14: AP complained, “Hezbollah hit by a wave of exploding pagers and blames Israel. At least 9 dead, thousands injured.”
I wonder how many of them worked for AP.
ITEM 15: CNN reported, “Walkie-talkies explode in Lebanon day after deadly pager attack.”
Looks like Hezbollah recruiters won’t meet their quotas this quarter.
A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO HEZBOLLAH FROM GHOULARDI.
He was the host of Shock Theater at Channel 8 in Cleveland for 3 glorious years before he moved on to Hollywood and eventually became ABC’s booth announcer. The Loooooove Boat.
ITEM 16: Instead of giving illegal immigrants with MS-13 tattoos a debit card, a room at a luxury hotel an EBT card, how about we just give them a pager?
Too soon?
ITEM 17: Trump at a rally on Long Island, “I’m going to Springfield and I’m going to Aurora. You may never see me again, but that's OK, gotta do what I gotta do. ‘What happened to Trump?’ ‘Well, he never got outta Springfield.’ ”
Trump has what thousands of Hezbollah terrorists no longer have. His testicles.
ITEM 18: The New York Post reported, “Delta pushes strict underwear regulations for flight attendants in eyebrow-raising memo.”
The rules are: You must wear underwear. It cannot show.
Back when they were called stewardesses, they knew this. Now that they are flight attendants, they don’t. Instead of working on semantics, feminists should work on personal hygiene.
FIRST POLL: Which is more fitting?
ITEM 19: Mark Cuban said he wants to buy Fox News and X.
Cuban has a net worth of $5.7 billion. Musk paid $44 billion alone for X. I am closer to buying the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
ITEM 20: Sean Spicer tweeted, “Shoplifting And Vehicle Thefts Soared As Haitian Migrants Poured Into Ohio Town, Police Data Shows.
“From 2021 to 2023, Springfield also saw a 51.5% jump in motor vehicle theft reports and a 112.8% spike in reports of shoplifting.”
But they are totally reviving the economy just like Kamala and the media said.
ITEM 21: Breaking 911 reported with video, “Liam, the New York boy with a rare brain disorder and growth hormone deficiency, is gifted a present from President Trump before Long Island rally.”
A video last week showed Liam’s touching reaction upon opening a birthday letter from Trump.
In a world where you can be anything, be kind.
ITEM 22: Politico reported, “Gavin Newsom signs election ‘deep fake’ ban in rebuke to Elon Musk.”
And every signer of the Constitution.
ITEM 23: Breaking 911 tweeted: “Letcher County, Kentucky Sheriff Mickey Stines accused of shooting District Judge Kevin Mullins in his office at the courthouse; coroner confirms 1 dead.”
Someone watched Walking Tall too many times.
ITEM 24: Insider reported, “Iran’s Revolutionary Guards warned Israel Thursday that it will face a crushing response from the resistance front after thousands of communication devices used by Hezbollah in Lebanon exploded.”
In April, the Guardian reported, “World waits anxiously for Iranian response to Israel’s killing of top general.”
Ted Knight and Rodney Dangerfield should have made more pictures together.
ITEM 25: Just the News reported, “According to the New York Times, Philadelphia Inquirer and Siena College poll of 2,436 likely voters nationally, 47% of respondents had a favorable opinion of Trump while 44% viewed Swift favorably.”
NYT reported, “Who Do Voters Really Like? Taylor Swift.”
As Barbie said, math class is tough.
ITEM 26: Toria Brooke tweeted with video, “According to psychiatrist and body language expert Carol Lieberman, Kamala Harris suffers from imposter syndrome, a psychological condition where a person lacks confidence in their competence and feels they don’t deserve to succeed.”
What do you know? For once the imposter is right.
ITEM 27: Politico reported, “Democrats privately worry the Teamsters non-endorsement is a warning sign.”
Jimmy Hoffa is turning over in his grave — laughing so hard. He had the union back Nixon in 1972, which led to the first 49-state landslide. Teamsters also backed Reagan in 1980 and 1984, and the first Bush in 1988. All three of those races were landslides, too.
ITEM 28: The Daily Mail reported, “Lesbian social worker wins payout from council after she was disciplined for transphobic comment about cross-dressing dog. Row over gender-fluid dachshund wearing a dress costs taxpayers £63,000.”
A tranny wiener dog. Does that mean he’s now a taco?
I have been told Monkeypox and Mpox are racial slurs. The only safe course is to call it DiversityPox.
“Delta pushes strict underwear regulations for flight attendants in eyebrow-raising memo.”
I laughed at this briefly, until remembering that many flight attendants today are gay men. That image, or men wearing short skirts with nothing underneath, ruined my morning. So I'm passing it along to ruin everyone else's.