Highlights of the week

ITEM 1: KTSP reported, “Minneapolis losing police officers faster than they can hire, chief calls it ‘unsustainable.’”

Oh no. At this rate, there will be no police left to defund.

ITEM 2: NBC reported, “Presidential candidate assassinated at campaign rally in Ecuador.”

Those crazy Ecuadorians. That would never happen here.

Except for 1972, when they attempted to assassinate candidate George Wallace.

And 1968 when they succeeded with candidate Bobby Kennedy.

And 1912 when they attempted to assassinate candidate TR.

And 1981 when they attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

And the four times they succeeded in killing a sitting president.

Thank goodness we are not Ecuador.

ITEM 3: Axios reported, “Attorney General Merrick Garland announced Friday that he is appointing U.S. Attorney for Delaware David Weiss as special counsel to lead the investigation into Hunter Biden.”

Weiss is the guy who wants to give Hunter a plea bargain that keeps him from ever being charged with any crime. Look for Rehoboth Beach to run out of sand as this hack covers up Hunter’s life of crime, hookers, cocaine, and sex with minors.

ITEM 4: Fox reported, “Stockton Mayor Kevin Lincoln took to social media on Tuesday to share that the 7/11 store clerks seen attacking a suspected shoplifter ‘are not and never have been suspects.’

“Lincoln is referring to the July 29 attack of a suspected homeless man who at around 2:45 a.m. walked into a Stockton 7/11, jumped behind the counter and began clearing shelves full of items into a trash can.”

Suspected homeless man? They did not beat him because he was a suspected homeless man stealing bread to feed his family. They beat him because he was looting the store of hundreds of $12 packs of cigarettes.

ITEM 5: The Epoch Times reported, “United States Closes Haiti Embassy Due to ‘Rapid Gunfire.’”

Maybe we should move the embassy out of Chicago.

ITEM 6: The College Fix reported, “Canceled: Washington & Lee University removes plaque honoring Robert E. Lee’s horse.”

A reader pointed out college officials are saying “and the horse you rode in on.”

ITEM 7: Libs of TikTok tweeted, “BREAKING: Texas elementary teacher who made a series of racist anti-white tweets including wanting to kill someone for being white- has been fired and is not eligible for rehire.”

Bu-bu-but she LOL’d that they wouldn’t fire her because she did not say she wanted to kill ALL white people.

Are there any job openings in South Africa?

ITEM 8: NBC reported, “Oregon lifts ban on self-serve gas, leaving N.J. as the only state prohibiting it.”

Farmer Mike Pence released an instructional video on how not to pump gas.

“And then Biden became president.”

If only there were something Pence could have done to stop that. You know, like reject the electoral votes from states whose results were in dispute as the law at the time allowed.

ITEM 9: USA Today reported, “Full-time UPS drivers will earn an average of $170,000 in annual pay and benefits at the end of a five-year contract agreement, UPS CEO Carol Tomé said during an earnings call Tuesday.”

That’s almost what a congressman makes. Unlike Congress, UPS isn’t $32 trillion in debt.

ITEM 10: The Daily Mail reported, “Lizzo has been dropped from Super Bowl LVII Halftime Show consideration after facing a series of shocking sexual harassment and fat-shaming allegations from former dancers — leaving her team in a desperate scramble to ‘save her sinking ship’ of a career.”

The 308-pound anti-fat shaming singer could still be in the Super Bowl if Tampa Bay signs her to play right guard.

ITEM 11: Ron DeSantis fired his campaign manager and hired a new one.

Baseball teams fire managers because they cannot fire the team.

This is the same thing.

ITEM 12: KAKE in Kansas reported, “In an unprecedented raid Friday, local law enforcement seized computers, cellphones and reporting materials from the Marion County Record office, the newspaper’s reporters, and the publisher’s home.”

The unprecedented raid comes a year after the unprecedented raid on Mar-a-Lago.

Unprecedented things are becoming more common as bananas take over the Republic.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK: A reader asks, “I see Mitch does not want impeachment. What world does he live in?”

I, too, oppose an impeachment because a Senate acquittal stops any post-presidential prosecution.

As to which world McConnell lives on, it’s Wallet World.

ITEM 13: Bloomberg reported, “Untreatable Gonorrhea Threat Has Drugmakers Sprinting for New Cures.”

Paragraphs 16 and 17: “Sexual health programs have seen budget cuts in recent years, leading to less screening. The recent debt-ceiling deal eliminated $400 million in grants for specialists who combat sexually transmitted infections.

“The CDC is studying the effect of the cuts, the agency said in a statement. Both the agency and the White House strategies to fight STIs call for continued monitoring for resistant cases and developing better tests.”

Until there is a cure, just keep feeding the CDC money. And just keep feeding it money after there’s a cure.

ITEM 14: The Daily Caller reported, “West Virginia Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin said he is seriously considering leaving the Democrat Party to become an independent, saying in a Thursday interview that party politics have become ‘so bad.’”

The Democrat Party should tell him goodbye because they can lose in West Virginia just as easily without him.

ITEM 15: Power Line reported, “Left-Wing Professors Leaving Florida.”

DeSantis shoots — he scores!

Just a reminder that West Virginia is a terrible place to live with every snake known to man, forest fires, earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes and volcanos.

UPDATE: Item 16 appears to be a mistake. I apologize for not verifying.

ITEM 16: Valiant News reported, “Faith Healer Profiled By Oprah, CNN’s Sanjay Gupta Gets 99 Years For Abusing Women, Children.”

In January, the New York Times did a profile on him and said, “Sanjay Gupta, 53, a neurosurgeon and the chief medical correspondent for CNN, lives with his wife, Rebecca Gupta, and their three daughters in a custom-built house on almost three and a half acres in Atlanta. Dr. Gupta, the author of several books, including the recently published workbook, 12 Weeks to a Sharper You, sometimes writes in the backyard.”

The story did not say where on his property he goes to molest children.

ITEM 17: CNBC reported, “The FBI shot and killed a Utah man on Wednesday while trying to arrest him for threatening to murder President Joe Biden and the New York district attorney who is prosecuting former President Donald Trump in connection with hush money payments.”

The Deseret News reported, “Moments later, authorities carried the overweight, elderly man out of his house, placed him on the sidewalk and tried, unsuccessfully, to render first aid, according to the witness. Several neighbors said his body remained on the concrete for two hours as blood soaked through a white sheet paramedics placed over him.

The FBI now executes dissidents at its leisure — and leaves their bodies in plain sight to warn others.

I suppose if we all protest loud enough, Kevin McCarthy will hold hearings. The FBI will then ignore the subpoenas and destroy any incriminating evidence — and Republicans will feign indignance.

ITEM 18: The Daily Caller reported, “Former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe claimed Thursday that reckless comments from former President Donald Trump caused an incident which led to the FBI shooting a Utah man.

He said, “I’m confident that the multiple cases, investigations, what will ultimately be trials of Donald Trump, will continue to really fire up the most extreme portion of his supporters. You know, he also made threats about Letitia James, made threats about Gavin Newsom, who is a very kind of outspoken Trump critic.”

Well, there is only one thing left to do. Drop all the charges and investigations against Trump, right? If we save just one life, it will be worth it.

ITEM 19: ESPN reported the University of California and Stanford will join the Atlantic Coast Conference.

Maybe colleges should reinstate geography as a mandatory course.

But maybe they no longer identify as Pacific coastal colleges and are undergoing transatlantic surgery.

ITEM 20: Reuters reported, “Biden seeks $24 billion for Ukraine, testing bipartisan support in Congress.”

I wonder how much money Zelensky puts in the gift bags he gives politicians when they visit Kyiv.

ITEM 21: Fox reported, “Trump confronted on golf course about no-showing Florida court appearance.”

He didn’t have to show up. He waived his right to appear.

The confrontation consisted of ignorant reporters asking him about it. Why he allows them on his golf course without a membership is a mystery.

ITEM 22: Vice reported, “Neo-Nazis Are Using Climate Disasters to Recruit New Members.”

Hey, wait a second, that’s global warming’s scam — the other Nazis.

ITEM 23: Just the News reported, “Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Jennifer Walker Elrod declared in court that the Biden administration’s efforts to persuade social media companies to remove, throttle and suppress purported misinformation on covid-19, Hunter Biden's laptop and elections reminded her of a mafia movie.”

FBI. Must be Italian.

ITEM 24: Yahoo reported, “EV startup Lucid is losing over $500,000 for every car it sells.”

How to make money: Stop selling cars.

ITEM 25: Do you think you had a bad week?

Not as bad as Budweiser’s week at Sturgis.

ITEM 26: LBC reported, “Seven officers drag autistic girl from her home for ‘hate crime’ after she told cop ‘you look like my lesbian nana.’”

Saying someone looks like a lesbian is a hate crime in England. Doesn’t that mean lesbianism is a bad thing? I am beginning to wonder why Muslims want to take over a country that stupid.

ITEM 27: Fox reported, “House GOP release bank records on Hunter Biden payments from Russian, Kazakh oligarchs, total clears $20 million.”

But at least he didn’t run an international hotel that foreigners stayed at.

ITEM 28: Campus Reform reported, “Virginia Tech officially ends affirmative action, legacy admissions policies.”

Ending legacy is an excellent retaliation against us white trash who are the first in the family to go to college and our Asian friends. Keep it up, libs.

ITEM 29: Hot Air reported, “Jamaal Bowman: The Biden border crisis makes Democrats look bad.”

Every mirror in the world makes Democrats look bad.

ITEM 30: Zero Hedge reported, “Trump Rages After Jan. 6th Committee ‘Illegally Destroyed Records And Documents.’”

Can I make a citizen’s arrest of every congressman and staffer involved?

FINALLY, life at the Hotel Surber.

Wife: There will be a meteor shower this weekend.

Me: I’m all out of meteor soap.

Wife: Use a little Comet.