Highlights of the Week

The secret word is DeSantisfreude.

ITEM 1: The New York Ledger reported, “Mark Zuckerberg considered acquiring or permanently funding The Associated Press.”

Then Soros told him, relax; we already own it.

ITEM 2: The Daily Beast reported, “Panera Bread Nixes ‘Charged Lemonade’ After Deaths.”

Killing your customers hurts repeat business.

ITEM 3: Complete Colorado reported, “Mountain lion hunting ban working its way towards Colorado’s 2024 ballot.”

The Second Amendment only covers hunting. Oh, and you are not allowed to hunt.

ITEM 4: Aol reported, “Miss Teen USA resigns days after Miss USA steps down. What’s going on with the pageants?”

Didn’t have these problems in the 20 years that Trump owned the pageants. He had to sell them when he ran for president. Who bought them from him? Joe Biden?

ITEM 5: Andy Ngô tweeted with a video, “At Case Western Reserve University, a contractor hired to paint over a vandalized wall by pro-Gaza activists is met by protesters who want to stop him. He proceeds to paint over them too. The protesters say that’s assault.”

Welcome to Cleveland, where it is always 10-Cent Beer Night for Hamas-ctivists.

ITEM 6: Washington Free Beacon reported, “13 federal judges said Monday that they would no longer hire law clerks from Columbia College or Columbia Law School after the university allowed an encampment on its lawn to spiral into a destructive occupation of a campus building. The judges cited the ‘explosion of student disruptions’ and the ‘virulent spread of antisemitism’ at Columbia, which has now canceled its main graduation ceremony because of the unrest.”

Nazis need not apply.

ITEM 7: National Review reported, “The Biden administration paused the shipment of thousands of bombs to Israel last week because of its concerns about an Israeli invasion of Rafah, the last remaining Hamas stronghold in the Gaza Strip.”

The concern is Israel will rid the world of Hamas from the river to the sea. If Bibi kicked back 10% to the Big Guy, Israel would get aid.

ITEM 8: Yahoo reported, “Bud Light sales still falling as Modelo, Coors fight to keep their gains.”

On February 3, 2023, Forbes gushed, “Bud Light Signals New Era In Marketing,” a story about the first woman to head the brand. Two months later, the boycott began.

Hey Democrats, hire Alissa Heinerscheid to run FJB’s campaign.

ITEM 9: ABC reported, “Target will only sell Pride Month collection in some stores after backlash in 2023.”

I suggest the stores that carry Pride stuff do a joint display with Bud Light.

ITEM 10: CNN reported, “School board members in Virginia’s Shenandoah County voted early Friday to restore the names of two schools that previously honored Confederate leaders — four years after those names had been removed.

“The 5-1 vote came after hours of public comment during a meeting that began Thursday evening from people speaking on both sides of the issue. Vice Chairman Kyle L. Gutshall was the sole opposing vote.”

They should do like ballparks do and sell naming rights. Fred’s Plumbing Elementary School, home of the Fighting Leaks, would be awesome.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

ITEM 11: The Daily Caller reported, “Disney’s Stock Plummets As Market Grapples With Earnings Report.”

DeSantisfreude.

Instead of dipping into state politics, Disney should have stuck to what it does best. Groom children.

ITEM 12: Off the Press reported, “Maryland Senate Candidate Spends $57 Million To Buy Seat, Run From ‘Jigaboo’ Slur.”

Democrats are saying at least he didn’t use the N-word.

ITEM 13: End Wokeness tweeted, “New York just announced a historic $2.3 billion tax-funded grant to fix up the JFK International Airport.

“This grant, signed off by Governor Katy Hochul, is exclusively for non-White or women-owned businesses.”

Welcome to Boeing International Airport. Beware of falling doors.

ITEM 14: One of the black female politicians at the announcement told the press, “This is FOR US, and made BY US.”

Good. You pay for it then.

ITEM 15: UPI reported, “Boeing’s Starliner flight delayed again for oxygen tank valve replacement.”

Pioneering travel in space ain’t easy, especially when you are busy Arkanciding whistle-blowers.

ITEM 16: Aerotime reported, “Boeing files notice to lay off more than 100 employees in Huntsville, Alabama.”

More than 100 employees is also known as more than 100 potential whistle-blowers.

ITEM 17: The Epoch Times reported, “Trump Says Jack Smith Should Be ‘Arrested’ After Documents Revelation.”

It is evidence tampering. As I have said, the FBI only solves crimes it commits.

ITEM 18: Michelle Kosinski tweeted a lengthy series that began, “A few weeks ago, I had dinner with a few couples, friends of friends, all American. All were well-educated and successful in careers. They seemed great! On the surface. For like an hour. But slowly, over a few drinks, they began to let slip their true MAGA natures....”

Megyn Kelly replied, “Speaking of idiotic, remember when you pretended to be canoeing in a flood on the Today show trying to play up the drama of your shot and two firefighters walked by in the ankle deep water leading Matt Lauer to ask you if they were holy men?”

Ah yes, the Great Flood of ’05. Only 54,838 of the 54,838 residents of Wayne, New Jersey, survived. NBC was so upset that she kept her job for another 9 years.

ITEM 19: Time reported, “New York Governor Regrets Saying Black Kids in the Bronx Don’t Know What a Computer Is.”

She embarrassed the homeowners association board so badly that they almost had to let a black family move in to prove they aren’t racist.

ITEM 20: In only 40 years, The Jetsons will arrive.

Their car is in development. I still don’t see how it will fold into a briefcase.

ITEM 21: AP reported, “House Republicans plan to move forward next week with holding Attorney General Merrick Garland in contempt of Congress for his refusal to turn over the unredacted audio of an interview that was conducted as part of the special counsel probe into President Joe Biden’s handling of classified documents.”

The Elmer Fudd Republicans are hunting wabbits again.

ITEM 22: NYT reported, “RFK Jr. Says Doctors Found a Dead Worm in His Brain.”

Kennedy’s thoughts actually kill.

ITEM 23: Seán Ono Lennon, who sadly shares much the same childhood RFK did, tweeted, “I think it’s unfair for RFK to brag about a worm eating some of his brain. Not all candidates have any brain left to eat, so he’s really just showing off.”

That beat all the tweets that said the worm starved to death.

ITEM 24: Breitbart reported, “The commander of Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, Maj. Gen. Hossein Salami, claimed [SNIP] that the existence of both America and Israel is coming to an end in the immediate future and that Iran needed the help of every Muslim nation on earth to eradicate free societies.”

Ah, but he said free societies. Thanks to FJB, we’re now safe.

ITEM 25: Citizen Free Press tweeted with video, “Fund manager Kevin Hassett, “If President Trump is in chains, would you want to buy a U.S. Treasury the next day. We become a banana republic the moment they take him to Rikers, and I just can’t imagine what happens to Treasury markets that day.”

That’ll be a buying opportunity when we re-elect him. Again.

ITEM 26: Resist the Mainstream reported, “Parents Sue School Board After Suspending Teen For Saying ‘Illegal Alien’ During English Assignment.”

Illegal alien? Use the accurate term: Criminals.

ITEM 27: The Reload reported, “The Empire State’s requirement that gun owners pass a background check for every ammunition purchase is constitutional, a federal judge has ruled.”

Obama appointee.

ITEM 28: They had three children, peasant.

ITEM 29: The Daily Mail reported, “Two California teens who were forced to withdraw from an elite Catholic high school over accusations of blackface have been awarded $1 million and tuition reimbursement.

“A Santa Clara County jury sided with the teens, identified by the initials A.H. and H.H., on two claims concerning breach of oral contract and lack of due process.

“The boys sued Saint Francis High School in August 2020 after photos circulated of them sporting acne treatment masks.”

The treatment was actually dark green, not black. Were any Martian-Americans offended?

ITEM 30: CBS reported, “New Mexico AG again accuses Meta of failing to address child exploitation.”

Law enforcement calls these creeps MetaPhiles.

We need a MetaWoodchipper to make MetaPiles of the MetaPhiles.

ITEM 31: The Daily Mail reported, “Steward Health Care has put all 31 of its hospitals up for sale, after filing for bankruptcy on Monday. The largest private hospital chain in the US hopes to finalize all transactions by the end of the summer to address $9 billion in debt, its attorneys said at a Tuesday court hearing in Texas.”

Open the borders, close the hospitals.

ITEM 32: Politico reported, “FreedomWorks Is Closing — And Blaming Trump.”

Conservatives thank him because FreedomWorks was as useless as that majority the tea party gave Republicans in 2010.

ITEM 33: Urban Hollywood reported, “Biden Taunts Trump Using Kendrick Lamar Diss Track.”

It’s a Diss Track! Shun.

ITEM 34: AP reported, “Police used pepper spray to clear a pro-Palestinian tent encampment at George Washington University and arrested dozens of demonstrators on Wednesday just as city officials were set to appear before hostile lawmakers in Congress to account for their handling of the 2-week-old protest.”

Darn it. I was hoping Congress would send Michael Byrd in.

ITEM 35: Breitbart reported, “Fox Board Member Paul Ryan Will Not Vote for Donald Trump.”

Why is this news? The Rinosaur never has. Never will.

ITEM 36: The Daily Mail reported, “Israeli Eurovision singer Eden Golan today was ordered to stay in her hotel room by her country's national security agency as thousands of pro-Palestine protesters demonstrated in Malmo, calling for her to be excluded from the competition. Meanwhile, Greta Thunberg joined the thousands of protesters in the southern Swedish city demonstrating against Israel competing in the famous song contest.”

Greta the Elf protested? I guess that means Israelis hurt the climate by being raped and murdered by Palestinians.

ITEM 37: Chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov wrote, “We Need Regime Change in Iran and Russia.”

Nope. We need regime change in DC. That would make the world far safer.

FINALLY, the polls have Carnival King Carville whining, “It's going the wrong way. It’s not working. Everything we’re that throwing is spaghetti at a wall, and none of it is sticking, me included.”

That means the spaghetti ain’t done, mate, but FJB may be.