Highlights of the week

Hey kids! ICE is issuing trading cards of arrested illegal aliens. Collect all 12 million of them.

ITEM 1: ABC reported, “Trump's envoy Richard Grenell said he was headed back to the United States with six American citizens following his visit to Venezuela.”

I hope it is in exchange for every member of Tren de Aragua in America.

ITEM 2: Ken Dilanian tweeted, “Trump team has installed outsiders, including a person with ties to Musk and a top FBI critic, in the FBI director’s office. This is a move without precedent in the post-Hoover era.”

So? Scooby-Doo was an amateur and look at all the mysteries he solved.

ITEM 3: Sara Rose tweeted, “Kash Patel shared a video launching a watermelon with Adam Schiff’s picture taped to it from a catapult.”

I’ll just go ahead and mark the senator down as a no vote.

ITEM 4: ABC tweeted, “The FDA has classified a previous Frito-Lay potato chip recall under its highest risk level after some bags of Lay’s Classic Potato Chips were found to potentially contain undeclared milk ingredients.”

Thank goodness our $6 trillion-a-year government protects us from potentially undeclared milk ingredients in our potato chips. We would not want any healthy food in our snacks, would we?

ITEM 5: Miranda Devine tweeted, “Love this: the White House is now issuing press releases ‘Debunking Latest Fake News Hoaxes.’ ”

Day One: Trump didn’t cut off Medicaid, ICE did not visit a school and the doctors against RFK Jr. group is astroturfed with fake signatures.

So many lies, so little time.

ITEM 6: Caroline Kennedy showed familial support by calling RFK Jr. a predator.

Chris Plante then posted pictures of her with Bill Clinton, Harvey Weinstein and Uncle Ted. We all have our areas of expertise.

ITEM 7: Nick Sortor tweeted, “Press Secretary Leavitt reveals the drones that were flown over New Jersey were AUTHORIZED by the FAA for research purposes.”

Research purposes. Isn’t that the excuse feds give when they are caught downloading child porn?

ITEM 8: Thomas Catenacci tweeted, “Breaking: In his first action, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy axed Biden’s CAFE fuel economy standards that were seen by critics as a de facto EV mandate.”

Big deal. I want to know how many of his 9 kids he chest fed.

ITEM 9: Wired reported, “Elon Musk Is Running the Twitter Playbook on the Federal Government.”

So we will only have to pay $8 a month for the service?

ITEM 10: NBC reported, “DOJ Pride, an LGBTQ employee resource group at the Department of Justice, has shut down more than a week after President Donald Trump signed an executive order seeking to root out all diversity, equity and inclusion measures from the federal government.”

You’re here, you’re queer, get back to work.

ITEM 11: The New York Post reported, “New York Magazine has been caught red-handed editing black people out of its coverage of a young conservative bash in Washington DC.

“People of color—including, astonishingly, the party’s host—were cut from the print magazine cover picture and the narrative of the magazine’s story, titled ‘The Cruel Kids Table’ about young conservatives celebrating Donald Trump’s return to the White House.”

To show that Trump supporters are racist, the magazine did not interview the party’s co-host, CJ Pearson, because he’s black.

ITEM 12: ABC tweeted, “California is the best-equipped state in the country to combat wildfires, experts told ABC News.”

If that’s the best, the other 49 states better pray for rain.

ITEM 13: Michael Strahan on Trump forcing workers to go back to the office: “Is there any concern that we risk losing people with years of experience like doctors and let's say, scientists?”

Karoline Leavitt: “Well, most doctors who work in actual hospitals and medical institutions have to show up to the office.”

Sometimes the chaff voluntarily separates itself from the wheat.

ITEM 14: The Independent reported, “Meta to pay President Trump $25 million settlement for suspending his Facebook accounts.”

Like his ABC settlement, most of the money is going to his presidential library. If this keeps up, the library will be yuge—so bigly that we will have to give him a third term to fill it up.

ITEM 15: Totally objective NYT White House reporter Peter Baker tweeted, “Trump’s assault on the federal government has been a campaign of breathtaking scope and relentless velocity, a blend of personal and political as he seeks revenge against perceived enemies while demolishing the foundations of the modern liberal state.”

Perceived enemies?

Do you know what every person on Nixon’s Enemies List had in common?

Each one hated Nixon.

ITEM 16: The Daily Wire reported, “Laken Riley’s Mother Gives Tearful Remarks After Trump Signs Law Named For Late Daughter.”

The Lord heard her prayers.

ITEM 17: As for the collision between the Army helicopter and the airliner at Reagan airport, I agree with the president.

RIP.

ITEM 18: Brad Mims, Deputy Administrator at the FAA in 2023:

“We need a diverse group of air traffic controllers to bring distinct perspective to handle the ever-changing aerospace landscape. I’m calling on students and alumni from HBCUs, Hispanic serving institutions, and tribal colleges to apply now to become air traffic controllers.”

I hope they didn’t take a crash course on being an ATC.

ITEM 19: ABC reported, “The NTSB has said its preliminary report into what caused the midair crash between a passenger plane and Black Hawk helicopter will take approximately 30 days and that it will take a year or more to get a final probable cause.”

Government works at the speed of a crippled turtle.

ITEM 20: Scott Presler tweeted, “On the way to Harrisburg, PA.”

Tomorrow, he’ll register Punxsutawney Phil.

ITEM 21: The New York Post reported, “Woman facing trial over allegedly threatening ‘Don’t be a c–t’ bumper sticker.”

Looks like the woman in Chester, England, failed to take her own advice.

ITEM 22: Kash Patel will be the first FBI director who isn’t a white guy.

Once again, Trump sucks at racism. He needs to stop hiring people based on ability.

IN SPORTS NEWS: Senator John Kennedy said, “Conspiracy Theorists are up 37 to nothing.”

Meanwhile, Super Bowl LIX features Taylor Swift against the Philadelphia Elgses. If Philly wants to win over the refs, Jalen Hurts will have to start dating Amber Rose.

ITEM 23: In this week’s Circus of the Senators hearings on Trump’s Cabinet choices, Tulsi Gabbard told them, “Democrats have accused me of being Trump’s puppet, Putin’s puppet, Assad’s puppet, Modi’s puppet, but what truly unsettles them is I refuse to be their puppet.”

Don’t be blue. James and Bobby Purify still are your puppet.

ITEM 24: NYT tweeted, “North Korea sent its best troops to aid Russia in its war against Ukraine. But after months of suffering severe losses, they have been taken off the front line.”

Russia is killing Ukraine, but Zelensky is winning the Korean War.

ITEM 25: Libs of TikTok reported, “Pete Buttigieg removed his pronouns from his bio.”

Poor thing. Lost its job and doesn’t know what it is anymore.

ITEM 26: Nate Hochman tweeted, “The immigration crisis isn’t an accident. It’s a well-oiled system, facilitated by powerful NGOs—and funded by your tax dollars. By defunding the NGOs, Trump is crippling the entire system.”

What a government. It will imprison you for saying the rosary at an abortion clinic but give millions to Catholic Charities.

ITEM 27: Fox reported, “Drinking dairy-free milk can raise depression risk, says study, as doctor disagrees.”

Cows get pretty depressed when they go unmilked.

ITEM 28: CBS reported, “A mountain in New Zealand considered an ancestor by indigenous people was recognized as a legal person on Thursday after a new law granted it all the rights and responsibilities of a human being.”

The mountain might not want to become a New Zealander. Think of all the property taxes it will have to pay.

ITEM 29: On Sunday, Colombia refused to accept two planeloads of illegal aliens. Trump said he would slap the Land of Juan Valdez with tariffs. News outlets immediately churned out stories claiming coffee will cost too much—after ignoring the doubling of prices under FJB.

But before the stories could be printed, Colombia’s president dispatched planes to fetch his illegals.

On Friday, NBC reported, “Colombian president asks undocumented Colombians in the United States to return.”

Now to get him to stop the shipments of cocaine.

ITEM 30: Trump says Egypt and Jordan will be taking in Palestinians:

REPORTER: The president and the king of Jordan have both said that they won't take in displaced people from Gaza like you suggested. Is there anything you can do to make them do that? I mean, tariffs against those countries, for example?

TRUMP: They will do it. They will do it.

REPORTER: What makes you say that?

TRUMP: They’re gonna do it. Okay? We do a lot for them, and they're gonna do it.

No one wants to wake up next to a horse’s head in their bed.

ITEM 31: President Donald Trump said, “If people aren’t coming to work, if they’re not going to come in the office and report, then they’re going to be terminated.”

Terminated seems pretty harsh. I would just fire them. But his way would eliminate pension payments.

ITEM 32: ABC tweeted, “Woman found guilty in husband’s murder speaks out for the first time since her conviction: ‘I know that I didn’t kill him. I don’t care about anybody else’s opinion. What I want more than anything is to prove that.’ ”

If it were me, I would care about that jury’s opinion.

ITEM 33: The Daily Wire reported, “CBS In Settlement Talks With Trump After He Filed Lawsuit Over Deceptive 60 Minutes Interview.”

That presidential library is about to get 10 feet higher.

ITEM 34: There is only one reason CBS is willing to pay Trump hush money.

NYT reported, “CBS News Set to Hand Over Transcript of 60 Minutes Interview to F.C.C.”

Corporations love to keep facts from the public.

ITEM 35: The New Republic reported, “In a letter to PBS and NPR, Federal Communications Commission Chairman Brendan Carr announced that he was launching an investigation into the news organizations’ member stations, The New York Times reported Thursday.”

Oh no! Another attack on Big Bird. Considering the money Big Bird makes from licensing products, maybe he should fund PBS and NPR.

ITEM 36: The Hill rejoiced, “Ocasio-Cortez embraces role as attack dog against Trump.”

Attack dog. So they are calling her a bitch.