Highlights of the week

ITEM 1: WTRF reported, “Ghost hunting incident in West Virginia escalates to gunfire, juveniles caught in crossfire.”

Now there’s a ghost hunting season? DNR will stop at nothing to get license money.

ITEM 2: AP reported, “Supreme Court upholds Biden rule requiring serial numbers and background checks for ghost guns.”

So much for the argument that they are not going after your hunting guns.

ITEM 3: NYT tweeted, “Breaking News: Bruce Springsteen announced Tracks II: The Lost Albums, a boxed set featuring 74 songs that have never been officially released in any form. It is set to come out on June 27.”

The perfect gift for your deaf friend.

ITEM 4: The New York Post reported, “Washington police chase man who stole ex-girlfriend’s chicken: ‘I’ve got Polly.’ ”

Police said, you’re getting 10 years in prison too.

ITEM 5: Fox reported, “Senate GOP pushes Trump budget framework through after marathon vote series.”

Oh no. Senators had to actually work late on Friday night. Final passage next week will require only 50 votes. Murkowski’s ego hardest hit.

ITEM 6: Fox tweeted, “San Diego migrant shelter closes doors with numbers plummeting after Trump immigration crackdown: report.”

Shut them all down.

ITEM 7: NBC reported, “Several federal agencies launch a deferred resignation effort to encourage workers to leave their jobs.”

The offer is not extended to essential employees. I hope there is a 100% acceptance rate among those eligible.

ITEM 8: KNBC reported, “As the new sales tax rates went into effect Tuesday across California, Southern California counties and cities began to see some of the highest sales tax rates in the nation.”

That’s a tariff on everything from everywhere all the time.

ITEM 9: Speaking of tariffs, Daniel Toth reacted to Canada badmouthing Trump.

After weeks of big talk, PM Mark Carney backed down. Congratulations, Canada. You found someone with less testosterone than Justin Castreau.

ITEM 10: CNBC reported, “Stellantis idles plants in Mexico and Canada due to tariffs.”

They said tariffs will cost workers jobs. And they were right.

ITEM 11: Investor’s Business Daily predicted, “Tariffs Could Add $10,000 To Car Prices. The Auto Stocks Getting Hit In The Stock Market.”

Just the News reported, “Ford on Thursday announced a new, lower-cost vehicle pricing plan—‘From America, For America’—following President Trump unveiling the previous day 25% tariffs on non-American-made vehicles.”

I prefer Be American, Buy American.

ITEM 12: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “General Motors is increasing production in Indiana after Trump’s tariffs—Reuters.”

Nobody wins a trade war. We nobodies are happy.

ITEM 13: Glenn Beaton reported, “The tariffs are a needed blow to the progressive tax system.”

Instead of punishing making money with an income tax, Trump punishes buying foreign with a traitor tax. If that’s regressive, let’s go all the way back to kindergarten when I paid no taxes at all.

ITEM 14: BRICS News tweeted, Red “China announced additional 34% tariff on US goods in retaliation to President Trump’s tariffs.”

So the Chinese will have to pay 34% more for the American cars they do not buy.

ITEM 15: ABC reported, “A staff member at an Ohio high school is accused of trying to hire a student to kill her husband for $2,000, according to a criminal complaint.”

She should be charged with being a cheapskate.

ITEM 16: National Review reported, “A Manhattan judge on Wednesday dismissed the federal corruption charges levied against New York City Mayor Eric Adams last fall, partially granting the Trump-era Department of Justice’s request to drop the case. U.S. District Judge Dale Ho, who presided over the Democratic mayor’s case in the Southern District of New York, permanently dismissed the charges in a highly anticipated decision.”

The judge is a Biden appointee. Ho Ho Ho.

ITEM 17: The Daily Wire reported, “The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and two other nonprofit organizations have come under fire for allegedly implementing scholarship and career advancement programs that discriminate against white Americans, potentially violating federal law and jeopardizing their tax-exempt status.”

Irish need not apply.

Or Scots. Or Finns. Or Swedes. Or Swiss. . .

ITEM 18: ABC reported, “Lithuanians paid their last respects to four American soldiers who died during a training exercise as a procession carrying their coffins proceeded past the capital’s cathedral square on Thursday.”

More respect than they will receive in our country.

ITEM 19: Collin Rugg tweeted, “Disney’s Snow White remake box office suffers a 66% drop in the second weekend of showings.”

It is so bad, the Brothers Grimm want Disney to change the name to Snow Plan 9 from Outer Space.

ITEM 20: Rachel Bade of Politico said, “President Donald Trump has told his inner circle, including members of his Cabinet, that Elon Musk will be stepping back in the coming weeks from his current role as governing partner, ubiquitous cheerleader and Washington hatchet man.”

That’s absolutely true because the law limits his type of appointment to 130 days.

Another thing that’s true is Rachel Bade is going to physically die (exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point)—because all of us will physically die someday.

ITEM 21: NBC tweeted, “Americans depend on many foreign-born workers to help care for family members who are older, injured, or disabled and cannot care for themselves. Mass deportations could leave the U.S. home health and personal care industry in trouble.”

MS-13 is just a gang of future cancer researchers who occasional make a little mischief, right?

ITEM 22: Collin Rugg tweeted with video, “40 people allegedly affiliated with the Tren de Aragua gang were arrested in Austin, Texas, according to Ali Bradley TV.

“In addition to the arrests, narcotics were also seized. Protesters were seen protesting in favor of the alleged violent gang members.

“According to the FBI, the incident comes in response to a years-long investigation by federal, state, and local law enforcement partners.”

Don’t worry about them. Marco Rubio arranged a year-long stay in El Salvador for them.

ITEM 23: Murdoch’s WSJ reported, “Several National Security Council staffers were fired this week, people familiar with the matter said, as right-wing conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer alleged to President Trump that some members of his administration weren’t aligned with his priorities.”

A right-wing conspiracy theorist is a person who will be proven correct in 18 months or less.

By the way, why isn’t Jeffrey Goldberg charged with espionage?

ITEM 24: CNBC reported, “Furloughs in the federal government totaled 216,215 for March, part of a total 275,240 reductions overall in the labor force, according to Challenger, Gray & Christmas.”

Learn to coal mine.

ITEM 25: Hot Air reported, “This Is Too Funny: Satanists Put Up Plaque in MN Capitol Thanking Gov. Walz For Supporting Them.”

The Land of Lakes is about to become a Lake of Fire.

ITEM 26: Just the News reported, “Former first son Hunter Biden has agreed to give up his law license in Washington, D.C., according to an affidavit that was unsealed by the Board on Professional Responsibility on Tuesday.”

Picasso didn’t need a law license, did he?

ITEM 27: NYT reported, “Doug Emhoff’s Law Firm Is Said to Be Trump’s Next Target.”

Hours later, the Times updated its story, “Trump Announces Deal With Doug Emhoff’s Law Firm.

“The deal is similar to ones struck with Mr. Trump over the past two weeks by the firms Paul Weiss and Skadden Arps.”

A president sure has a lot of power over white shoe law firms. Maybe we ought to reduce a president’s power by reducing the power of the government.

ITEM 28: President Trump tweeted a video of the rescued astronauts thanking him and Elon Musk for bringing them home.

Competence is the real threat to democracy.

ITEM 29: The Daily Beast reported, “Pulitzer Winner Quits Washington Post and Slams Bezos.”

Slam? Here is what he told his colleagues, “I wanted to let you know that I’ve decided to leave The Post. The announced ‘significant shift’ in our section’s mission has spurred me to decide that it’s time for my next chapter. I wish nothing but the very best for the paper and for all of you. I won’t be a stranger, and I’ll be reading your unparalleled work every single day.”

The Daily Beast is nuttier than a Brazilian forest.

ITEM 30: Reuters reported, “Founder Klaus Schwab to step down as World Economic Forum’s chair.”

Thus he ends 55 years of being the most evil man in Europe. He plans to spend his retirement working on installing fricking laser beams on sharks.

ITEM 31: NBC reported, “Several states were notified this morning that the federal grant funding they rely on to operate local libraries and museums has been terminated. Since then, a petition from the only PAC dedicated to bolstering voter support for local libraries has gained just under 55,000 signatures urging the Trump administration to restore the Institute of Museum and Library Services to its full capacity.”

But if federal taxpayers don’t fund Drag Queen Story Hours, who will?

ITEM 32: CNBC reported, “U.S. President Donald Trump will ‘buckle under pressure’ and alter his tariff policies if Europe bands together, acting German economy minister Robert Habeck said Thursday.”

The Smurfs are going after the commander-in-chief of the biggest military in the NATO alliance.

ITEM 33: The Western Journal reported, “Democrats' Exorbitant Campaign Spending Goes to Waste as Republicans Win 2 Key House Special Elections.”

It was a moral victory, according to the Democrat campaign consultants who pocketed money for polls they took and TV ads they booked.

ITEM 34: Politico reported, “A survey by the liberal firm Data for Progress, first shared with Politico, found that 55% of Democrat likely voters said they supported or leaned toward supporting Rep. Ocasio-Cortez, while 36% backed or leaned toward backing Sen. Schumer. 9% were undecided.”

It’s his inability to grill cheeseburgers that turned Democrats against him.

ITEM 35: The Hill reported, “A divided Supreme Court sided with the Trump administration by allowing officials to block $65 million in teacher development grants frozen over concerns they were promoting diversity, equity and inclusion practices. The 5-4 emergency ruling, for now, lifts a lower order that forced the Education Department to resume the grants in eight Democratic-led states that are suing.”

The headline should have read: DOGE and the 14th Amendment Get Our Money Back.

ITEM 36: Disney’s ABC said, “Canadians place tariffs on U.S. manatee meat, camels and flamethrowers.”

Flamethrowers? Only a Schumer would cook manatee burgers with a flamethrower.

ITEM 37: J6er Derrick Evans tweeted, “The FBI received a record number of new agent applications in Kash Patel's first full month leading the bureau. The flood of law enforcement job-seekers have nearly doubled the monthly average since 2016.”

FBI recruiters are Kash-ing in.

FINALLY, the big news this week was not the success of my cataract surgery, but that my grandson knows his multiplication tables.

He is 4.