Highlights of the week

In 2 days, we get America back

ITEM 1: NBC reported, “Displaced Los Angeles-area residents face spiking rents as authorities warn of price gouging.”

Price gouging—like charging $7 million for a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl.

ITEM 2: Fox reported, “Friends star David Schwimmer served Rod Stewart with divorce papers.”

I didn’t know they were married.

ITEM 3: CBS reported, “Special counsel’s final report says Trump would have been convicted of election interference if he hadn’t won.”

Special counsel. Is that like special education?

ITEM 4: New York Post tweeted, “U.S bans popular red dye from foods—35 years after it was banned in cosmetics.”

Because what we put on our faces is more important than what we put in our bellies.

ITEM 5: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “Trump has just received the first Presidential Commemorative Inaugural Diet Coke from Coca-Cola CEO James Quincey.”

From Woke Coke to MAGA soda in one election.

ITEM 6: NBC tweeted, “Former first lady Michelle Obama will not be attending President-elect Trump's inauguration, her office says.”

Guess she doesn’t like Diet Coke.

ITEM 7: The New York Post tweeted, “Justice Alito mockingly asks whether people visit Pornhub for articles ‘like the old Playboy magazine.’ ”

The site would rather block subscribers in 18 states than put up age verification to keep kids from seeing porn. Gotta hook them early, just like cigarettes.

ITEM 8: Steak ’n Shake tweeted, “Steak ’n Shake to Use 100% Beef Tallow. No Cap.”

Now I am OK with RFK Jr.’s appointment. Make Freedom Fries Edible Again.

ITEM 9: Bibi tweeted, “Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spoke this evening with US President-elect Donald Trump and thanked him for his assistance in advancing the release of the hostages and for helping Israel bring an end to the suffering of dozens of hostages and their families.”

Bibi had to release 1,700 terrorists to get back 23 hostages and 10 dead hostages. Don’t worry. He gave each terrorist a pager as a parting gift.

ITEM 10: Libs of TikTok tweeted, “Marine Corp study found all-male combat units performed better than mixed units. All-male units were faster, and more accurate and precise. Additionally, there was a higher rate of injury for females compared to males when performing the same task.”

All we need is a few good men.

I wasn’t one of them.

ITEM 11: Pocahontas tried to grill Pete Hegseth during his confirmation hearing.

Warren: “You’re quite sure that every general who serves should not go directly into the defense industry for 10 years. But you are not willing to make that same pledge.”

Hegseth: “I’m not a general, senator.”

OK, how much did he pay her to say that?

Worst grilling since Chuckles the Clown tried to make cheeseburgers.

ITEM 12: Tucker Carlson News reported, “Concerns are rising among military officials that Pete Hegseth, if confirmed as Secretary of Defense, could dismiss up to 20 woke generals and high-ranking officers.”

Only 20?

Wuss.

ITEM 13: On April 17, 2019, ABC reported, “For the first time in its 100-year history, the Pulitzer Prize was awarded to an African American journalist for excellence in editorial cartooning.”

An example of his work:

BNO News reported, “Washington Post cartoonist Darrin Bell arrested for child pornography.”

ITEM 14: Ezra A. Cohen tweeted, “In several recent publications, I’ve seen quotes from the Joint Staff that the Chairman is ready to work with President Trump. This phraseology should concern anyone who cares about civilian control of the military. First, the Chairman doesn’t have an option to work for the President, the duly elected Commander-in-Chief. Second, the President isn’t his equal, and he doesn’t work with him—he works for him. This is all part of the JS effort to slowly degrade civilian control of the military.”

Fire this group of joint chiefs and send a message to every general. No more Milley-ing around, Donald.

ITEM 15: Benny Johnson tweeted, “Gov. Ron DeSantis appoints Ashley Moody to fill Marco Rubio’s vacant Senate seat.”

Had to be a Florida Woman because all the men in Florida are busy:

Florida Man Denies Syringes Found in Rectum Are His

Florida Man Accused of Robbing Chinese Restaurant at Finger Point

Florida man accused of throwing pancake batter at woman arrested

ITEM 16: Robert Costa tweeted, “former Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson confirms she will not attend the Trump inauguration.”

Oh no! Who is going to bring indignity to the event?

ITEM 17: ABC tweeted, “The Chandler Fire Department in Arizona grew by 19 in 2024, when several of their firefighters welcomed babies — including a set of twins. Now they're sharing their joy with the country. David Muir reports.”

Muir reports? With or without the clothespin?

ITEM 18: Fox tweeted, “The FBI took steps to close the Office of Diversity and Inclusion, effective by December 2024.”

Wow. The Bureau is putting everything into the shredder.

Except the Epstein File. Need that to keep Congress in line.

ITEM 19: Not the Bee reported Jeff Bezos has dropped his newspaper’s motto “Democracy Dies in Darkness” in favor of “Riveting Storytelling for All of America.”

Does that mean the Washington Post will call its reporters riveters?

ITEM 20: Charlie Kirk tweeted:

Incredible back and forth between Mazie Hirono and Pam Bondi...

HIRONO: [Trump] has also said illegal immigration is poisoning the blood of our nation. Do you agree?

BONDI: I went to the border a few months ago. I went to Yuma, AZ. I went to a rape crisis center. It was horrific. I'm sure you've been to the border as well, so you can answer that.

HIRONO: I want to get to the next question...

That came a day after Hegseth owned Hirono at his hearing. When Trump appoints me Secretary of Bentleys, I want her at my hearing.

ITEM 21: Governor “Kat” Hochul finally admitted subways are dangerous. The New York Post front page declared: “Kat Sees The Light.”

The light came from a burning homeless woman.

ITEM 22: NBC tweeted, “President Joe Biden delivered his farewell speech from the Oval Office on Wednesday night, warning of perceived threats to democracy and society, including an oligarchy, climate change and the rise of artificial intelligence.”

Of course FJB opposes artificial intelligence. He opposes intelligence of any kind.

ITEM 23: The Washington Examiner reported, “Campaigns to remove Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA) and Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass from office have gained steam as devastating wildfires continue to rage in California.”

The recall effort is spreading like wildfire.

ITEM 24: The New York Post reported, “Paramount Global executives have held internal talks about settling a lawsuit filed by President-elect Donald Trump over CBS News’ interview with Vice President Kamala Harris.”

Play fair or he’ll lawfare.

ITEM 25: The Supreme Court unanimously upheld the ban on TikTok, but the justices didn’t like it. In a concurring opinion, Gorsuch wrote, “The question we face today is not the law’s wisdom, only its constitutionality.”

FJB signed the ban into law. Now he says he won’t enforce it.

ITEM 26: What the feds call extreme cold weather (predicted to be 23 degrees) will move the inauguration inside the Capitol on Monday.

Why not move it to Mar-a-Lago?

ITEM 27: Collin Rugg tweeted, “CNN found liable for $5 million in defamation trial against a United States Navy veteran. Zachary Young said CNN defamed him as an ‘illegal profiteer’ when they said he charged Afghan evacuees thousands of dollars to leave the country.”

CNN is the most trusted name in news. That tells you all you need to know about the news business.

ITEM 28: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “California Governor Gavin Newsom raises flags in his state for Trump’s Inauguration Day.”

Jimmah who?

ITEM 29: Mediate claimed, “Former CNN reporter Oliver Darcy reported Thursday that CNN Worldwide Chairman and CEO Mark Thompson called Acosta and ‘delivered the veteran journalist a sudden and strange proposal: Move your show to midnight and anchor it until 2 am ET.’ Another source told him ‘They want to get rid of Acosta to throw a bone to Trump. Midnight is not a serious offer when his ratings are among the best on the network.’ ”

The punchline: His ratings are among the best on the network.

That’s like being the third-string quarterback on the Browns.

ITEM 30: Chay Bowes tweeted, “As hundreds of thousands of Ukrainians die, the Dictator’s wife Olena Zelensky took a trip to St. Moritz for a skiing jaunt with the children.”

We need to send them billions more. I mean, do you know how much jet fuel it takes to fly from Kyiv to St. Moritz?

ITEM 31: FJB declared there is an Amendment 28 that is now the law of the land.

That’s as legal as his repeal of the law of gravity when he fell off his bike in 2022.

ITEM 32: President Trump tweeted on Truth Social that he already picked more than 1,000 people to work in his administration but he needs more recruits:

“In order to save time, money, and effort, it would be helpful if you would not send, or recommend to us, people who worked with, or are endorsed by, Americans for No Prosperity (headed by Charles Koch), ‘Dumb as a Rock’ John Bolton, ‘Birdbrain’ Nikki Haley, Mike Pence, disloyal Warmongers Dick Cheney, and his Psycho daughter, Liz, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, General(?) Mark Milley, James Mattis, Mark Yesper, or any of the other people suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome, more commonly known as TDS.”

Psycho daughter? I thought that was Jamie Lee Curtis, whose mom was in the film Psycho.

ITEM 33: The New York Post reported, “BLM activist-turned-mayor in Georgia accused of using $26K for unauthorized purchases, including overseas trip.”

The story said he went to Ghana to make “economic development connections.”

The last economic development connections we had with Ghana consisted of Ghana raiding villages and shipping captured villagers here to use as slaves.

ITEM 34: The New York Post reported, “How lavish benefits pushed by NY teachers’ unions ramped up school spending—to highest in nation at $36K per kid: reports.”

Some of the kids can actually read when they graduate so it is worth every penny.

FINALLY, an extra newsletter will be sent at 7 PM Eastern. Relax. Monday will have another newsletter. Tonight’s is something to tide readers over my day off.

Also, I am feeling pollish. Here are three polls.