Customer service

“Please hold while I disconnect you.”

Welcome to Unamerican Diversified Health Insurance, a division of Engulf & Devour, where we always stand behind each of our customers because we use them as human shields.

Your call is so important to us that we have an automated system to deal with you instead of a real person. We value your business about as much as we do the Iranian rial.

All calls may be recorded for training purposes and a few good laughs later at your expense.

We appreciate your call because we hire only masochists who love to hear complaints from whiny and occasionally profane people who believe all their petty little problems can be resolved magically by a stranger on the other side of the phone line making minimum wage.

If you are using a landline, good luck getting through and actually communicating with a representative, Grandpa.

Press 1 if you want to hear the instructions in English. You won’t because the speaker’s Indian accent is thick and he gets very resentful if you do not understand his gibberish.

Press 2 if you want to hear it in Spanish spoken at twice the speed of sound.

Press 3 if you want to hear it in Mandarin so the Chinese minders who are spying on you through your LED lighting will better understand.

Press 4 if you want to hear it in Vietnamese.

Press 5 if you want to hear it in Tagalog.

Press 6 if you want to hear it in Yumplatok. We do not have personnel who actually speak those languages, but we get a nice fat federal subsidy if we offer those choices.

Press 7 if you want to hear it in Arabic. Please don’t bomb our lobby.

Press 8 if you want to hear it in Navajo. Warning: The speaker will be a Comanche.

Press 9 if you want to hear it in Latin. The pope will ex-communicate you.

For all other languages, please dial our competitors.

All our representatives currently are busy serving other customers who were smart enough to call before 8 AM. And by all our representatives, I mean both. The estimated time currently to wait for next available representative is two hours and twenty minutes—long enough for you to consider taking up smoking again.

While you’re waiting for the end of time, please make sure you have all your documentation ready to better facilitate resolving your issue. These documents may include your driver’s license, your Medicare card, your checkbook, your credit cards, your Players Club card, your Social Security card, your passport, your birth certificate, and your fifth grade report card.

To return to our main menu, please press star.

Otherwise, please stay on the line and listen to crappy music designed to leave you frustrated and get you to hang up because studies show that the longer the person waits, the more likely we will have to refund money.

[Presses star.]

Welcome to Unamerican Diversified Health Insurance, a division of Engulf & Devour, where the customer always comes first because our staff arrives an hour later.

Please listen carefully to these instructions, otherwise you will have to go through the whole rigmarole again.

If you already know your party’s extension, feel free to dial it any time and be told, “Please hold while I disconnect you.”

If you called about a problem that could easily be handled online, please press 1 and hang up.

If you called about a problem involving our automated payment service, please press 2 and hang up.

If you called about a problem that is so complicated it requires a fax and 10 minutes to explain, please press 3 and hang up.

If you called about a problem involving a provider, please press 4 and hang up. Talk to the provider instead. Let him put you on hold.

If this is a butt call, please press 5 and hang up because you really should re-consider your life choices, which led you to put a customer service line on your speed dial.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

[Disconnects.]