The genius of this piece is that it is not really about customer service. It is about corporate America replacing human beings with automated obstacle courses while pretending the change improves the customer experience. Nobody believes the recorded voice. Nobody believes “your call is important to us.” Nobody believes the hold music is accidental. The entire system is engineered to exhaust people until they surrender. The representative is not the enemy—they are usually trapped in the same miserable machine as the caller. The real product is not service. It is delay. It is frustration. It is attrition. It is hoping you simply give up before the company has to solve your problem. That is not customer service. That is customer surrender, dressed up with polite recordings and a fake smile.
Decades ago, utilities sent an IBM punch card with their bills. Unable to ever get anybody on the phone, I finally used a hole punch to place a random hole, which caused their card reader to spit it out for a human to look at. I had written "call me at ......." on the card. Worked like a charm.
My roommate, after getting bills for $0.00 dollars, with threats of being turned over to collection, finally sent a check for - you got it - $0.00 - and that was the end of it.
Spent three hours yesterday trying to make contact with Apple. Eventually hit on the idea of speaking nonsense to their AI, forcing it to call in a real human technician.
I keep yelling “live agent live agent” after a few times it gives up. Are the companies really so thick headed they understand the level of hatred they are creating ?
I do that also but I finally found a robot smarter than me....it just kept repeating the menu and then hung up. That ploy no longer works. do you have a plan B? If so, please share it.
The frustration part is a built-in strategic design. It is everywhere today. Airlines, insurance companies, banks, all forms of government agencies. If you can't figure out how to do it on-line who's going to try to call someone?
I really get irritated when I call the VA, and the first thing I hear is: "If this is an emergency, please hang up and call 911." Well, duh, if it Was an emergency, I Would call 911.
That makes me crazy. Sometimes its a place that you wouldn't ever NEED to call 911 but is probably psychological to get you furious before you even get started.
And now, the online "chat" feature is going in the same direction. Spent 20 minutes waiting for a "chat agent," who turned out NOT to be a person, but an AI, who could not understand colloquial English. And when I dropped a sarcastic "Que?" into the incomprehensible gibberish, switched into SPANISH. I logged out.
Let's be accurate; it's a customer *uck you, suckers. You are our prisoner and we are enjoying the laugh, satisfaction, the salary and bonuses and especially the lifestyle which our families enjoy.
One suspects that Our Pal Don recently had an unpleasant experience with telephonic customer service. As a wise man once said, "Welcome to the party, pal." If there is one thing that has a chance of uniting all Americans in these days of disunity, it is precisely this experience. It gives, "E pluribus unum" a whole new meaning.
Try calling the IRS! They are even worse than heath insurance companies. They make you wait for a long time for the automated attendant to tell you "we received your return on March 23 and we have up to four months to process it (if we owe YOU money) and we'll let you know when we're finished - don't call again until we tell you to. Please stay on the line for a brief customer survey. Thanks."
Wow do I have a good war story on that. Endless hold, dope on the other end after 3 hours claiming we had not paid our estimated tax but instead the payment was to “prepay” federal tax due in 9 months (!) I was able to convince him to look at the actual check, which I had a copy of, that showed CLEARLY in the subject line, payment of estimated tax for XX quarter. Believe it or not, he was embarrassed and apologized. (Didn’t get my hours on hold back though).
Mine either. My father passed in 2018, we received a notice last November , that he overpaid for 2016 to the tune of $16,000. My two brothers and I are the co-executors. I handled all of his estate matters. I moved three years after Dad died, three doors down from my previous home. Same mail person. I call the IRS and wait for an hour, lady said, “we sent the check, but it came back as undeliverable”, really? Ok, my Democrat mailman knows I’m a Republican because I am on the Republican List From Hell for solicitation, he’s probably the first one that should be flogged. Then she says “let me transfer you to payments”, the new person says it should arrive within 30 days, if not, call back. Thirty days later, I call the number I was told to call, one hour on hold, woman answers and says, “you got collections, I can’t help you, I’ll transfer you to payments “. Automated voice says, “your wait time is approximately one hour”. “Bullshit” says I. I hang up. I receive a letter a week later that said I may have already sent the recorded document naming me as executor, but send it again, and also fill out the attached Form 1310, so I did along with a statement to the IRS asking why no one had sent the Form 1310, long ago. I also asked them to make the check out to all three co-executors so we can just move on. I suspect that has pissed them off “me telling them what to do”. I can see them wanting my brothers to execute the Form 1310 to continue my misery. Lois Lerner lives! I will be expecting interest on that $16,000 for ten years. I keep telling my accountant that I am getting close to “going off the grid” and never making another quarterly payment to those bastards, let alone paying taxes so some slime-ball immigrant can steal money for a “Learing Center” or some other scam.
I’m from the Deep South so at least I would be able to understand a redneck. And we could chat about guns, mosquitoes, barbecue, roaches, grits and collards while I wait.
Back in 1988 or '89, we were driving down for our once-ever trip to Disney World in FL. We were stopped at a diner in GA for breakfast. The young fellow who was our server asked "Y'all wawnt grits with those?" .... I asked "What are grits?" He couldn't tell us what they were made of. Being a brave sort of dad, I got them with my eggs, and sampled for the family. Never. Again. And I STILL don't know what they are made of.
Jake, I was exactly like you until I married and my husband introduced me to good grits. Made with whole milk and butter, they’re delicious with bacon! Add cheese and bake them, wowser!
We loved the Panhandle on a trip in 2022. Considered it as a new residence when we move (hopefully later this year) from TX. But as we have a summer house in VA, decided panhandle too far west for us.
But you are right, the beaches are glorious! As is the water.
Yes. Sorry. No comparison between Atlantic beaches and Gulf of America beaches. Our sand looks like sugar and the water is a much more comfortable temperature.
LOVE Lower Alabama & Florida Panhandle, best beaches!!! I was on the beach when that cute Birmingham girl lost one leg and one hand to a shark a few years ago.
“You can’t fix stupid” is generally attributed to General Honre of Hurricane Katrina fame when he was talking about all the people that stayed in New Orleans. Turns out he is a Democrat. At least he was supporting Sleepy Joe (probably the Kenyan, too), I think. I guess you can’t fix stupid if you yourself deserve that label!
"Press 8 for Arabic. You should really press 8 because our muslim invasion is happening and sooner than you realize, you will be forced to speak Arabic, so you should start learning it now, infidel!"
I love this post! This is an issue that has been bugging me for years. I'm retired now, but I was self-employed, in two different fields, since 1975. Before that, I worked for a very good businessman. This was before cell phones, before voice mail existed. There were things called "answering machines"--little tape recorders tied to your phone line. He would not use one; he said people don't want to talk to a machine, they want to talk to a person. He subscribed to an answering service--if his line had a certain number of rings, the service would pick up, and a person would answer the call. He was also very strict on customer service. And that is an area that has been going downhill for years--and the tech outfits have been some of the worst!
These automated phone systems are the dumbest thing American business has ever done.
Even better when it's the hospital, and you are trying to find out when they want you in for surgery. Call dropped. They had my number because I had to provide it at start of call. They didn't call back. Miles Memorial Hospital, Damariscotta Maine, June 2024. Hey Miles Memorial: I'm doxxing you because of your crappy "service".
I would tell you this is the funniest column you've written all year, except (there's always an "except" when someone starts on such a nice note) except it's too true to laugh at. But I did laugh at it. I especially appreciated your comment about "both our customer service agents." I feel quite certain most companies employ no more than two, no matter the size of the company, and those two were selected on the basis of patience. It just so happens the most patient people in the world (apparently) were born and raised in India. And still live there. The hiring department interviews them in English to make sure they're language proficient. The people in that department were not employed on the basis of accent-free language skills, so their ability to recognize an understandable accent is flawed from the outset. I hate to call customer service.
I will say that the toy company Fisher Price provided excellent customer service a few years back and many grandchildren presents ago. It really was outstanding.
My rule is I will not speak to a machine. It's demeaning. And it's increasingly difficult to avoid. The worst I have run into is the local Jeep dealer where I take the company car for service. They now have AI "people" who answer the main line. I can "press 0" out of them, for now, but that gets me to the sales department, who then have to transfer me to service, which usually ends up in a voice mail that apparently no one in the service department monitors.
When will these folks learn that having genuine humans who speak English would set them above and beyond their competitors? Oh wait, the answer to that is never because they have to squeeze every dime of profit today - to heck with tomorrow.
In an ideal world, business executives who outsource customer service to India should be forced to use Indian-level sanitary equipment at home. In practice, that would mean squatting outside.
That said, it so happens that only yesterday I had a GOOOD experience with an Indian service rep. My internet provider had sent me an urgent-sounding message to pay my monthly dues, but soon enough this Indian lady told me that I was fully paid-up, I owed nothing, and I was on auto-pay, anyway.
If that was Xfinity, I have been getting scam billings allegedly from them for the past several months (They just will not give up.) If you check the email address it comes from, you can tell it is false.
I've a nephew who works as a mainframe programmer for a large Cleveland insurance company. As usual, they occupy an entire skyscraper. He's been there for over twenty years and knows the place from top to bottom. He tells me that they have an entire floor dedicated to denying or delaying claims.
Of all companies with whom I've dealt as a client, Blue Cross/Blue Shield was the worst. After approving - IN WRITING - and agreeing to pay for - a $10,000 cochlear implant for my son, they eventually ponied up about a third, using every technique in the book to deny, delay, and play phone tag. My wife detailed over thirty hours of phone calls, finally doing what they wanted - giving up.
I am told that one state - probably California - passed an initiative that state insurance companies had to either lower their rates or open their books to the public.
Another war story (this from consulting days). A colleague was investigating “discrepancies” in a BC/BS affiliate in a midwest state. There was a huge balance in an internal account that was not designed as a true asset account, merely for clearing transactions. Turned out it was the result of a deliberate policy to clip every claim by a small amount and divert it into this “holding” account. Those that set this up had received fat bonuses.
Once disclosed to the Board, relevant folks were fired. (But they did not claw back the unlawful bonuses).
I’m a capitalist and believer in free enterprise. After many years in corps and then consulting for them, I am no longer astonished at the mal and misfeasance that the sinful human heart can concoct, esp when poorly/loosely managed.
I am beginning to wonder if the fraud/malfeasance/misfeasance isn’t rife everywhere. The way that corporate bonuses are structured (again, I know a lot from my professional life advising cos) is so very tempting to those with few scruples...
I had to call my health provider earlier this week. Instead of playing annoying music, they kept repeating the same message every 5 seconds - which was to ask if you preferred to be called back instead of waiting on hold - this was more annoying than the music they used to play.
Oh yes, and with reassurances you will not lose your spot in the phone queue. Right. MAYbe they’ll call back in 4 hours when you’re unable to pick up a call.
Yes - that's their game. On another call, they would mention how long the wait time was & tried to get me to take the call back option - but every time they repeated the message, the wait time kept going up instead of down.
The genius of this piece is that it is not really about customer service. It is about corporate America replacing human beings with automated obstacle courses while pretending the change improves the customer experience. Nobody believes the recorded voice. Nobody believes “your call is important to us.” Nobody believes the hold music is accidental. The entire system is engineered to exhaust people until they surrender. The representative is not the enemy—they are usually trapped in the same miserable machine as the caller. The real product is not service. It is delay. It is frustration. It is attrition. It is hoping you simply give up before the company has to solve your problem. That is not customer service. That is customer surrender, dressed up with polite recordings and a fake smile.
Ve haff vays ...
Decades ago, utilities sent an IBM punch card with their bills. Unable to ever get anybody on the phone, I finally used a hole punch to place a random hole, which caused their card reader to spit it out for a human to look at. I had written "call me at ......." on the card. Worked like a charm.
My roommate, after getting bills for $0.00 dollars, with threats of being turned over to collection, finally sent a check for - you got it - $0.00 - and that was the end of it.
Spent three hours yesterday trying to make contact with Apple. Eventually hit on the idea of speaking nonsense to their AI, forcing it to call in a real human technician.
I keep yelling “live agent live agent” after a few times it gives up. Are the companies really so thick headed they understand the level of hatred they are creating ?
Not a question of understanding, it's a question of not caring.
I do that also but I finally found a robot smarter than me....it just kept repeating the menu and then hung up. That ploy no longer works. do you have a plan B? If so, please share it.
That is an EXCELLENT idea - forcing the AI to connect you because it does not recognize words that describe your issue! Hats off to you, sir!
wrong, I tried it and if it doesn't recognize the words, it just hangs up on you. Sorry.
Aihghghg
The frustration part is a built-in strategic design. It is everywhere today. Airlines, insurance companies, banks, all forms of government agencies. If you can't figure out how to do it on-line who's going to try to call someone?
Another strategy that I’ve effective is to simply ask grok ai. It knows everything
I really get irritated when I call the VA, and the first thing I hear is: "If this is an emergency, please hang up and call 911." Well, duh, if it Was an emergency, I Would call 911.
That makes me crazy. Sometimes its a place that you wouldn't ever NEED to call 911 but is probably psychological to get you furious before you even get started.
Amen to this
And now, the online "chat" feature is going in the same direction. Spent 20 minutes waiting for a "chat agent," who turned out NOT to be a person, but an AI, who could not understand colloquial English. And when I dropped a sarcastic "Que?" into the incomprehensible gibberish, switched into SPANISH. I logged out.
A bigger lie is: “we’ve just installed a new system so please be patient “
Let's be accurate; it's a customer *uck you, suckers. You are our prisoner and we are enjoying the laugh, satisfaction, the salary and bonuses and especially the lifestyle which our families enjoy.
This article should be read at every medical insurance company board meeting.
Awesome, Don!
They would just double down and pat themselves on the back as reward for confirming their mission statement.
Yes, and cut themselves bigger bonuses for their successful “cost reduction” efforts.
You’re probably right…🤷🏼
One suspects that Our Pal Don recently had an unpleasant experience with telephonic customer service. As a wise man once said, "Welcome to the party, pal." If there is one thing that has a chance of uniting all Americans in these days of disunity, it is precisely this experience. It gives, "E pluribus unum" a whole new meaning.
Try calling the IRS! They are even worse than heath insurance companies. They make you wait for a long time for the automated attendant to tell you "we received your return on March 23 and we have up to four months to process it (if we owe YOU money) and we'll let you know when we're finished - don't call again until we tell you to. Please stay on the line for a brief customer survey. Thanks."
Wow do I have a good war story on that. Endless hold, dope on the other end after 3 hours claiming we had not paid our estimated tax but instead the payment was to “prepay” federal tax due in 9 months (!) I was able to convince him to look at the actual check, which I had a copy of, that showed CLEARLY in the subject line, payment of estimated tax for XX quarter. Believe it or not, he was embarrassed and apologized. (Didn’t get my hours on hold back though).
Since trump 45 the irs has cleaned it up and is very efficient much of the time.
Mine either. My father passed in 2018, we received a notice last November , that he overpaid for 2016 to the tune of $16,000. My two brothers and I are the co-executors. I handled all of his estate matters. I moved three years after Dad died, three doors down from my previous home. Same mail person. I call the IRS and wait for an hour, lady said, “we sent the check, but it came back as undeliverable”, really? Ok, my Democrat mailman knows I’m a Republican because I am on the Republican List From Hell for solicitation, he’s probably the first one that should be flogged. Then she says “let me transfer you to payments”, the new person says it should arrive within 30 days, if not, call back. Thirty days later, I call the number I was told to call, one hour on hold, woman answers and says, “you got collections, I can’t help you, I’ll transfer you to payments “. Automated voice says, “your wait time is approximately one hour”. “Bullshit” says I. I hang up. I receive a letter a week later that said I may have already sent the recorded document naming me as executor, but send it again, and also fill out the attached Form 1310, so I did along with a statement to the IRS asking why no one had sent the Form 1310, long ago. I also asked them to make the check out to all three co-executors so we can just move on. I suspect that has pissed them off “me telling them what to do”. I can see them wanting my brothers to execute the Form 1310 to continue my misery. Lois Lerner lives! I will be expecting interest on that $16,000 for ten years. I keep telling my accountant that I am getting close to “going off the grid” and never making another quarterly payment to those bastards, let alone paying taxes so some slime-ball immigrant can steal money for a “Learing Center” or some other scam.
Not in my case. I was never able to even reach a human to talk to. The system just essentially aborted my call every time.
Not in my experience...
Let"s put the cuss back into cusstomer service!
Only when I call Xfinity....
I’m from the Deep South so at least I would be able to understand a redneck. And we could chat about guns, mosquitoes, barbecue, roaches, grits and collards while I wait.
Am I the only one who hates grits? I don't care how you cook em.....
Not even with pimento cheese, bacon and shrimp?
Do you like Italian polenta? Essentially the same thing.
We love garlic cheese grits!
Nope
Just "grit" your teeth and bear it!
Back in 1988 or '89, we were driving down for our once-ever trip to Disney World in FL. We were stopped at a diner in GA for breakfast. The young fellow who was our server asked "Y'all wawnt grits with those?" .... I asked "What are grits?" He couldn't tell us what they were made of. Being a brave sort of dad, I got them with my eggs, and sampled for the family. Never. Again. And I STILL don't know what they are made of.
Butter and sugar, mmmmmm, and I’m from Washington State (Communist State).
Arghhhh! Salt and pepper, yes. NO sugar! That’s totally sacrilegious! You might as well have cream of wheat instead.
Nope.
Jake, I was exactly like you until I married and my husband introduced me to good grits. Made with whole milk and butter, they’re delicious with bacon! Add cheese and bake them, wowser!
I also do not get the attraction… my dad loved grits though. He called it hominy. I think it’s a texture thing w me.
Hominy is actually different than grits, but they're both corny goodness!! With enough butter, everything is good!
I did not know!
Where you from Needles?! I grew up in Nashville, live in Memphis, husband New Orleans native.
LA. But not that one. “Lower Alabama”. The Florida Panhandle.
My husband is from New Orleans too.
Part of God’s country PWN
Yep. And gorgeous beaches which spoiled me for every other beach I’ve ever visited.
We loved the Panhandle on a trip in 2022. Considered it as a new residence when we move (hopefully later this year) from TX. But as we have a summer house in VA, decided panhandle too far west for us.
But you are right, the beaches are glorious! As is the water.
Ever seen NJ beaches from Ocean City south?
Yes. Sorry. No comparison between Atlantic beaches and Gulf of America beaches. Our sand looks like sugar and the water is a much more comfortable temperature.
I just moved from Georgia to LA (lower Alabama)
. Completely different Florida here.
LOVE Lower Alabama & Florida Panhandle, best beaches!!! I was on the beach when that cute Birmingham girl lost one leg and one hand to a shark a few years ago.
........and cars and fishing.
I worked for a company that had one person who handled customer complaints.
Her name was Helen Waite.
We simply told customers, “If you have any problems with our products or services, go to Helen Waite!”
rednecks should run everything. giterdone.
Yup. I always thought Larry the Cable Guy should run for president. Or Ron White, of "you can't fix stupid" fame.
“You can’t fix stupid” is generally attributed to General Honre of Hurricane Katrina fame when he was talking about all the people that stayed in New Orleans. Turns out he is a Democrat. At least he was supporting Sleepy Joe (probably the Kenyan, too), I think. I guess you can’t fix stupid if you yourself deserve that label!
"Press 8 for Arabic. You should really press 8 because our muslim invasion is happening and sooner than you realize, you will be forced to speak Arabic, so you should start learning it now, infidel!"
Hold your ears when you press 8 -- there's an explosion coming.
and that will be followed with sharia law
Mark Steyn's predictions are coming to pass.
I love this post! This is an issue that has been bugging me for years. I'm retired now, but I was self-employed, in two different fields, since 1975. Before that, I worked for a very good businessman. This was before cell phones, before voice mail existed. There were things called "answering machines"--little tape recorders tied to your phone line. He would not use one; he said people don't want to talk to a machine, they want to talk to a person. He subscribed to an answering service--if his line had a certain number of rings, the service would pick up, and a person would answer the call. He was also very strict on customer service. And that is an area that has been going downhill for years--and the tech outfits have been some of the worst!
These automated phone systems are the dumbest thing American business has ever done.
Even better when it's the hospital, and you are trying to find out when they want you in for surgery. Call dropped. They had my number because I had to provide it at start of call. They didn't call back. Miles Memorial Hospital, Damariscotta Maine, June 2024. Hey Miles Memorial: I'm doxxing you because of your crappy "service".
Someone should set up a website where we can DOX these lousy companies and government agencies. Would be a popular site...
I think that's part of why we have Substack!
Maine. The receptionist was probably out checking her lobster traps.
And they kept—for several months!—sending me “customer service questionnaires—as if I could type with one arm in a cast….
I would tell you this is the funniest column you've written all year, except (there's always an "except" when someone starts on such a nice note) except it's too true to laugh at. But I did laugh at it. I especially appreciated your comment about "both our customer service agents." I feel quite certain most companies employ no more than two, no matter the size of the company, and those two were selected on the basis of patience. It just so happens the most patient people in the world (apparently) were born and raised in India. And still live there. The hiring department interviews them in English to make sure they're language proficient. The people in that department were not employed on the basis of accent-free language skills, so their ability to recognize an understandable accent is flawed from the outset. I hate to call customer service.
I will say that the toy company Fisher Price provided excellent customer service a few years back and many grandchildren presents ago. It really was outstanding.
I was one of those working girls at Fisher Price! I did it for 3 or 4 seasons after my husband died and they were wonderful people to work for.
My rule is I will not speak to a machine. It's demeaning. And it's increasingly difficult to avoid. The worst I have run into is the local Jeep dealer where I take the company car for service. They now have AI "people" who answer the main line. I can "press 0" out of them, for now, but that gets me to the sales department, who then have to transfer me to service, which usually ends up in a voice mail that apparently no one in the service department monitors.
When will these folks learn that having genuine humans who speak English would set them above and beyond their competitors? Oh wait, the answer to that is never because they have to squeeze every dime of profit today - to heck with tomorrow.
Sad!!
In an ideal world, business executives who outsource customer service to India should be forced to use Indian-level sanitary equipment at home. In practice, that would mean squatting outside.
That said, it so happens that only yesterday I had a GOOOD experience with an Indian service rep. My internet provider had sent me an urgent-sounding message to pay my monthly dues, but soon enough this Indian lady told me that I was fully paid-up, I owed nothing, and I was on auto-pay, anyway.
If that was Xfinity, I have been getting scam billings allegedly from them for the past several months (They just will not give up.) If you check the email address it comes from, you can tell it is false.
Reconsider taking up smoking!!!! Excellent!!!!
Thanks for a truly funny and accurate column this morning Mr. S.
I've a nephew who works as a mainframe programmer for a large Cleveland insurance company. As usual, they occupy an entire skyscraper. He's been there for over twenty years and knows the place from top to bottom. He tells me that they have an entire floor dedicated to denying or delaying claims.
Of all companies with whom I've dealt as a client, Blue Cross/Blue Shield was the worst. After approving - IN WRITING - and agreeing to pay for - a $10,000 cochlear implant for my son, they eventually ponied up about a third, using every technique in the book to deny, delay, and play phone tag. My wife detailed over thirty hours of phone calls, finally doing what they wanted - giving up.
I am told that one state - probably California - passed an initiative that state insurance companies had to either lower their rates or open their books to the public.
They lowered their rates.
Another war story (this from consulting days). A colleague was investigating “discrepancies” in a BC/BS affiliate in a midwest state. There was a huge balance in an internal account that was not designed as a true asset account, merely for clearing transactions. Turned out it was the result of a deliberate policy to clip every claim by a small amount and divert it into this “holding” account. Those that set this up had received fat bonuses.
Once disclosed to the Board, relevant folks were fired. (But they did not claw back the unlawful bonuses).
I’m a capitalist and believer in free enterprise. After many years in corps and then consulting for them, I am no longer astonished at the mal and misfeasance that the sinful human heart can concoct, esp when poorly/loosely managed.
The Federal Government is a good example of that. Every agency, including the House and Senate, and the Biden White House, is a RICO organization.
I am beginning to wonder if the fraud/malfeasance/misfeasance isn’t rife everywhere. The way that corporate bonuses are structured (again, I know a lot from my professional life advising cos) is so very tempting to those with few scruples...
I just assume everyone is guilty. Saves time.
LOL.
Of course all of us are sinners (and none saints as the song goes)...
Don, I feel your PAIN!
Even Generalisimo Francisco Franco feels this pain.
Is he still dead?
I had to call my health provider earlier this week. Instead of playing annoying music, they kept repeating the same message every 5 seconds - which was to ask if you preferred to be called back instead of waiting on hold - this was more annoying than the music they used to play.
Oh yes, and with reassurances you will not lose your spot in the phone queue. Right. MAYbe they’ll call back in 4 hours when you’re unable to pick up a call.
Yes - that's their game. On another call, they would mention how long the wait time was & tried to get me to take the call back option - but every time they repeated the message, the wait time kept going up instead of down.