Why Americans reject metrics

The joke is true. The American revolution was about weights and measures.

Comic Nate Bargatze did what was once thought impossible. By playing General Washington, he brought comedy back to SNL after a 30-year absence with two skits called Washington’s Dream in which the general shares his vision of America.

Washington: Distance will be measured in inches, feet, yards, and miles. So 12 inches to a foot.

Soldier 1: 12 feet to a yard.

Washington: If it were only so simple. 3 feet to a yard.

Soldier 1: And how many yards to a mile?

Washington: Nobody knows.

Soldier 2: Okay. Well, how many feet to a mile?

Washington: 5,280, of course. It’s a simple number that everyone will remember.

The dead-pan mockery of America’s continuance of the imperial weights and measures (as well as its later adoption of Fahrenheit) is hilarious.

But the battle between the American system and the metric system is symbolic because the two are as different as the American and French revolutions were.

America sought independence from England but kept the British court system and protection of individual civil liberties.

I know that is hard to believe these days but not long ago, the Mother Country stood up for 14-year-old girls using an axe to threaten a pedo trying to groom her 12-year-old sister. Now, instead of arresting the pedo, the Brits call the girl a liar.

Our revolution was led by educated and wealthy men who risked their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor. They eventually created a republic that placed restrictions on its central government. They were practical.

The French sought to destroy the monarchy, the Catholic church and their entire social system. Unbathed radicals led the French revolution. Never trust the unbathed.

They guillotined the king, the queen and 17,000 citizens during the Reign of Terror.

But that was just the start of the bloodshed once the king was gone. The War in the Vendée (1793–1796) was a major counter-revolutionary civil war in western France.

It pitted rural, devoutly Catholic peasants and royalist nobles against the revolutionary Republican government in Paris, which crushed the rebels like ants. The slaughter topped 200,000 people, roughly 25% of population of western France.

“Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité” is the motto of France, Haiti and the devil.

Ah yes, Haiti, the former French colony that suffered the largest and only successful slave rebellion, which lasted from 1791 to January 1, 1804. The first thing the former slaves did was kill every white man, woman and child, and many mixed race people as well.

More than two centuries later, Haiti has not recovered. It shares the island of Hispaniola with the Dominican Republic.

Their populations are roughly the same. 11.8 million in Haiti and 11.4 million in the Dominican Republic. But Haiti suffers chaos and DR enjoys stability.

DR’s economy is five times Haiti’s.

20% of Dominicans live in poverty with a life expectancy of 74.

60% of Haitians live in poverty with a life expectancy of 65.

Grok said, “Satellite views clearly show the border: lush green on the DR side, brown and deforested on Haiti’s. Haiti has lost most of its forest cover (down to ~4% at points) due to charcoal production and agriculture, leading to severe soil erosion, landslides, and flooding. The DR implemented reforestation and protected areas, retaining ~28–40% forest cover.”

Over 1,000 Dominican-born players have appeared in Major League Baseball. The Dominican Republic is second only to the USA in producing big league players.

There has never been a Haitian-born player in the major leagues.

More than 10 million people visit the Dominican Republic annually. Only Conan O’Brien has visited Haiti—and that was to troll Trump for calling Haiti a shithole.

OK, I exaggerate. It gets 350,000 visitors a year—or 1/30th of what the other side of the island gets.

My point is “Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité” just means everyone is poor but they do have the right to do as they are told. N’est pas dissez le invadres doo Muslimez.

Today’s newsletter is a response to a tweet by NOBUNAGA, a Japanese person:

I think America should just switch to the metric system. I already know this is going to make half of you angry 😂

So tell me—WHY does the US refuse to go metric?

Defend the imperial system. I’m listening 👀

First, the USA does not ban the metric system because the Constitution protects freedom of religion. Buy a half-gallon of milk and we slap 1.89 liters on the label next to the imperial system.

Second, the French Revolution directly gave us the metric system. No thanks. Our country is We The People not oui-oui on the people.

Most importantly, the metric system is arbitrary and not scientific. A meter is the distance light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458th of a second.

Soldier 1: Why not 1/299,792,457th or 1/299,792,459th?

Washington: Nobody knows.

The canard is that a yard is the distance from the king’s nose to his thumb and that changes when we coronate a new king. The British standardized the yard under Queen Elizabeth, which made sense because they no longer had a king to thumb his nose.

To be sure, the French metric system is better than what Europeans had. Lots better. As Napoleon conquered the continent, he spread the system and it was a vast improvement because it replaced provincial measuring systems. France had roughly 700–800 different units of measurements with a whopping 250,000 local variations.

Germany was even more fragmented (hundreds of semi-independent states, principalities, and free cities) because it didn’t become a unified nation until January 18, 1871—a half-century after Napoleon died.

America already had a system that we stole from England. It’s now ours, which bothers liberals, which makes it even better. We are fulfilling Washington’s dream.

Washington: One day, if we are brave, we will get rid of the U in a lot of British words like color and armor. But by God, we will keep the British U in the word glamour.

Soldier 3: Only glamour, sir?

Washington: Only glamour. That is my dream for our country, men: a melting pot of different measurements that will make European men throw tantrums. In short, a land of liberty.