Highlights of the week

By the way, Donald John Trump is still your president

ITEM 1: Woman.

Half the country should sue ABC for defamation.

ITEM 2: AP reported, “The opposition conservatives led by Friedrich Merz won a lackluster victory in Germany’s election Sunday and Alternative for Germany doubled its support in the strongest showing for a far-right party since World War II, projections showed.”

Fred Mertz is still alive? Lucy has a lot of ’splain’ to do.

ITEM 3: Michael Goodwin reported, “Trump reveals how White House meeting with Hochul went after prez’s admin axes NYC congestion pricing.”

LAFO.

Lawsuit Around, Find Out.

ITEM 4: Fox reported, “Alec Baldwin threatens to snap comedian’s neck in heated curbside confrontation.”

Oh sure, as if Baldwin could ever kill someone.

ITEM 5: NBC reported, “The Taliban confirms the arrest of a British couple in their 70s in Afghanistan after a plea from their children for their release.”

That barbarian government is going after little old ladies.

ITEM 6: The Daily Mail reported, “Fury deepens over sinister Thought Police targeting of a grandmother who criticized Labour as voters call for Starmer to go over ‘abuse of power.’ ”

That barbarian government is going after little old ladies.

ITEM 7: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “Red-District DOGE Protests, Cited As Proof of Broad Musk Backlash, Were Organized By Left-Wing Groups.”

But with USAID money frozen, how did they pay their protesters?

ITEM 8: Scot Bertram tweeted, “New poll has Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson with a 6.6% favorability mark and 80% unfavorable.”

Hey Chicagoans, say Beetlejuice three times in a row and your old mayor will pop up.

ITEM 9: NBC tweeted, “Jon Stewart injured his hand when he smashed a coffee mug while he spoke about how the Department of Government Efficiency is approaching pharmaceutical subsidies during a segment on the agency’s budget cuts.”

Coffee mug. The man has a drinking problem.

ITEM 10: This week’s suck-up of the week award goes to Congressman Joe “You Lied” Wilson of South Carolina, who tweeted:

Grateful to announce that I am drafting legislation to direct the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to design a $250 bill featuring Donald J. Trump. Bidenflation has destroyed the economy forcing American families to carry more cash. Most valuable bill for most valuable President!

Good job. Look for his district to get the new Hillary Clinton Federal Correctional Center for Crooked Politicians and Jeff Epstein Clients. Thanks to Arkancide, overcrowding will never be a problem.

ITEM 11: General Mike Flynn to FBI Director James Comey: “Jim, If you get this message, Get ready. You’re going jail—unless you give up someone bigger and deeper in this than even you.”

Bigger? Comey is 6-foot-8. Who’s he gonna give up? LeBron James?

ITEM 12: NBC reported, “Disease outbreaks and starvation deaths will increase as a result of USAID cuts, officials say.”

Oddly enough, the last disease outbreak was funded by the federal government.

ITEM 13: Collin Campbell reported, “Pentagon Officials Caught Using Taxpayer-Funded Credit Cards at Casinos, Bars, and Nightclubs Totaling $1.3 Billion.”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—unless it comes to the bill. That goes to the taxpayers.

ITEM 14: NYT reported, “Bezos Orders Washington Post Opinion Section to Embrace ‘Personal Liberties and Free Markets.’ ”

Who does he think he is? He is acting like he owns the place.

ITEM 15: NBC tweeted, “President Trump has set his sights on abolishing the Education Department and says he’d prefer to put education policy in the hands of the states.

“But state officials and lawmakers say they’re wildly unprepared for such a huge undertaking.”

Oh no! He’s going to make them do their jobs.

ITEM 16: ABC tweeted, “The Department of Education’s recent letter stressing that discrimination on the basis of race is ‘illegal’ could put black male educators at risk, according to education experts and advocates.”

Sidney Poitier hardest hit.

ITEM 17: The Independent reported, “Monica Lewinsky believes former President Bill Clinton should have resigned from the White House after their affair.”

Really? I always thought he should have seen an optometrist.

ITEM 18: NBC News tweeted, “The Trump administration said it is eliminating more than 90% of the U.S. AID’s foreign aid contracts and $60 billion in overall U.S. assistance around the world.”

That leaves $6 billion. We’re broke. Why are we giving the world $6 billion?

ITEM 19: ABC tweeted, “Katy Perry is scheduled to blast off on the next launch of Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin rocket, according to the space company.”

The downside is she will be returning.

ITEM 20: AP surrendered and will call it the Gulf of America.

Translation: Its lawsuit drew a Trump judge. Ha ha.

I hope Trump is mulling over my suggestion to rename it Gulf of AP Is A Doo-Doo Head.

ITEM 21: NYT tweeted, “More than a dozen senior leaders at FEMA have been fired or have quit under President Trump, weeks ahead of hurricane season.”

Oh no. Who will be around to keep aid from getting to hurricane victims?

ITEM 22: CBS tweeted, “Measles cases have been reported in New Jersey, Kentucky and California—all connected to travel outside the country.”

Illegal aliens bring diversity to the USA as well as fentanyl, spying, rape, murder and now measles.

ITEM 23: Meanwhile, the USA has 19,310 deaths from HIV/AIDS every year and the media is focused on 64 measles cases (not deaths).

HIV/AIDS are preventable without a vaccine.

ITEM 24: UPI reported, “Measles outbreak in Ontario grows to more than 140 cases.”

The downside of the MMR vaccine is a generation treating measles like it is the Black Plague.

ITEM 25: Politico reported, “Gov. Tim Walz’s announcement Wednesday that he would not run for an open Minnesota Senate seat has thawed a frozen field. Now, all eyes turn toward Democratic Rep. Angie Craig.”

However, Tampon Tim did not rule out running for a seat in Red China’s National People’s Congress when his governorship ends.

ITEM 26: Radio Free Europe reported, “U.S. President Donald Trump announced the U.S. withdrawal from the United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) and said Washington will not renew funding for the UN agency helping Palestinian refugees.”

They misspelled the word. It’s T E R R O R I S T S.

ITEM 27: NBC reported, “Movie theater ceiling collapses during screening of Captain America: Brave New World.”

It must be a good movie if it is bringing down the house like that.

ITEM 28: The Financial Times reported, “Sir Keir Starmer told MPs on Tuesday that Britain was confronting a world where everything has changed, as he shredded the country’s overseas aid budget to fund a rearmament program not seen since the cold war.”

NATO spending on rearmament sounds good until you realize the tanks will be used to fight the real enemy of the Eurocrats. Farmers.

Maybe John Deere can install anti-tank systems in its tractors.

ITEM 29: NBC tweeted, “Judge orders Trump administration to rescind memo calling on agencies to fire probationary staff.”

Alternative headline: Clinton appointee doesn’t know what the word probationary means.

ITEM 30: Trump set a deadline on Mexico to stop him from imposing tariffs on Mexico.

AP reported, “Mexico has sent 29 drug cartel figures, including drug lord Rafael Caro Quintero, who was behind the killing of a U.S. DEA agent in 1985, to the United States as the Trump administration turns up the pressure on drug trafficking organizations.”

Tariffs never work, right?

ITEM 31: The LA Times reported, “ICE agents are setting their sights on L.A. What employers need to know.”

Next do the IRS, editors. The EPA. The FBI.

ITEM 32: Rupert’s WSJ reported, “President Trump is planning to sign an executive order that would for the first time make English the official language of the U.S., according to White House officials.

“In its nearly 250-year history, the U.S. has never had a national language at the federal level. Hundreds of languages are spoken in the U.S., the byproduct of the country’s long history of taking in immigrants from around the world.”

Ah yes, no official language for 250 years. I remember Jefferson writing in 1776: “Wakati katika Mwenendo wa matukio ya kibinadamu, inakuwa muhimu kwa watu mmoja kufuta makundi ya kisiasa ambayo yamewaunganisha na wengine, na kuchukua kati ya mamlaka ya dunia, cheo tofauti na sawa ambacho Sheria za Asili na za Mungu wa Asili zinawapa haki, heshima ya heshima kwa maoni ya wanadamu inahitaji kwamba watangaze sababu zinazowasukuma kwenye utengano.”

Had King George III read Swahili, there would have been no war.

AND NOW A MOMENT WITH ANDY ROONEY: Ever notice that all the complaints about making English the official language are written or spoken in English?

I wonder why that is.

ITEM 33: ABC reported, “FBI Director Kash Patel, whose proclaimed plans to overhaul the nation's premier law enforcement agency have rattled many within the bureau, has proposed enhancing the FBI’s ranks with help from the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the martials-art entertainment giant whose wealthy CEO, Dana White, helped boost President Donald Trump's reelection, according to sources who were told of Patel's proposal.”

Mixed martial arts fighting. Sigh. 50 years ago, everybody was kung fu fighting. It was a little bit frightening.

ITEM 34: NBC reported, “A federal judge ruled Thursday that the Trump administration can go ahead with plans to fire dozens of officers from the CIA and other intelligence agencies who had temporary jobs working on diversity programs.”

A Dubya appointee, which means he knows what temporary means.

ITEM 35: Peace talks in the Oval Office abruptly ended when Trump landed a haymaker that knocked out Zelensky.

I may have exaggerated a little.

Democrats immediately sided with Zelensky. They need their money laundered.

ITEM 36: Butt-hurt after being evicted from the White House, Zelensky slithered to Fox to explain he mean to be thrown out. Fox called it a verbal spat.

The Titanic had a little splash.

ITEM 37: CBS tweeted, “Microsoft is shutting down Skype after buying it 14 years ago for $8.5 billion.”

The money went zoom down the drain.

Bill Gates blamed the failure of Apple to build a competitor, which would have given Microsoft the technology to steal to turn a profit.

ITEM 38: Politico reported, “President Donald Trump has nominated Hung Cao (pronounced COW) for Navy undersecretary, a combat veteran and hardline congressional candidate who has pushed for a military of ‘alpha males and alpha females.’ ”

I guess Hung Bull turned the job down.

Two cat polls today. Look for a bonus newsletter reposted from two years ago to show up at 7 PM Eastern.