Highlights of the week

Jon Stewart finally gives us a reason to laugh — at him.

ITEM 1: Newsweek reported, “Jack Smith Could Be Prevented From Using Evidence by [Federal Judge] Aileen Cannon.”

The Jack S is doing so poorly with this case that The Hill asked a few weeks ago, “Is it time for Jack Smith to throw in the towel on prosecuting Trump?” While the press keeps blaming Trump-appointed Judge Cannon, the Jack S seems to be too busy indicting the president wherever he can than in actually trying a case.

David Axelrod tweeted, “It now appears that American voters will have to act as the jury.”

Why in the Dickens is that a problem?

ITEM 2: A year ago, Forbes reported, “Trump’s Net Worth Plunges $700 Million As Truth Social Flops.”

This week, Headline USA reported, “Truth Social’s Stock Surge Moves Trump into Forbes’s Top 500 List for 1st Time Ever.”

Anyone know where I can get a flop like that?

ITEM 3: PJ Media reported, “Woman Who Wrote a Book on Grief After Husband Died Now Charged With His Murder.”

It was research. How can you grieve your husband if he isn’t dead?

ITEM 4: CNN reported, “Krispy Kreme doughnuts are coming to McDonald’s.”

Oh crap. There’s no escaping these cheap wads of sugar-coated artery cloggers.

Dunkin. Now there’s a donut for you. A million sold each day — all made by one dedicated soul.

I love the little spin he does when he walks through the doorway.

ITEM 5: Pirate Wires reported, “California’s Architect of Equity-Based Algebra Accused of Academic Fraud.”

The world can get along fine without algebra — in our grass huts along mud roads protected by spears.

ITEM 6: Business Insider reported, “NBC News will drop Ronna McDaniel as a paid contributor after on-air outcry.”

But who will pay for her limos?

ITEM 7: The Daily Mail reported, “Rich NYC teens are getting fake ADHD diagnoses to win extra time on the SATs leading to huge surge in points.”

People who game the system like that show far greater intelligence than those who ace the SATs without help.

ITEM 8: NBC reported, “Sacramento declares itself a sanctuary city for transgender people.”

Whoa. Looks like ’Frisco is getting some competition in this year’s Craziest City contest.

ITEM 9: The Daily Caller reported, “White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre appeared to storm out of a local radio interview in North Carolina after the host asked her if President Joe Biden has dementia, according to a clip of an interview shared by the station.”

What kind of question was that? The interviewer insulted KJP’s intelligence. Of course he has dementia. Why do you think Obama made him president?

ITEM 10: The Jeff Bezos Post said, “Records confirm Trump’s mother-in-law came to U.S. through process he derided.”

Records confirm Trump’s mother-in-law came to U.S. through process the Bezos Post championed!

ITEM 11: Rolling Stone bragged, “Biden Is Building a ‘Superstructure’ to Stop Trump From Stealing the Election.”

Let me fix that headline for them:

Biden Is Building a ‘Superstructure’ to Stop Trump From Stealing the Election.

ITEM 12: NYT said, “U.N. Security Council Passes Resolution for Immediate Ceasefire.”

Biden and the rest of the Security council want Israel to surrender Gaza back to Hamas, which broke the previous ceasefire.

ITEM 13: A cargo ship hit a bridge in Baltimore, which then collapsed. Six people died.

The Post Millennial tweeted, “Biden says he took the train over the Francis Scott Key Bridge ‘many many times’ during commutes. The bridge did not have rail lines.”

The United Negro College Fund told us a mind is a terrible thing to waste. I don’t know about that. I find watching Plugs Biden waste his mind to be entertaining.

ITEM 14: AP said it will take 5 to 7 years to rebuild it.

Yes, 4 to 6 years to debate over whether to keep the name Francis Scott Key or change it to Freddie Gray and one year to actually build it.

ITEM 15: A rando on Twitter tweeted, “General Leslie Groves had the Pentagon built in 16 months, he later went on to run the Manhattan Project to build the A-bomb. The Manhattan Project took three years.

“That bridge could be repaired quickly with the right leadership — which we are sorely lacking at this point.”

He retired as a three-star, as his son did later.

ITEM 16: The New York Post reported, “Jon Stewart found to have overvalued his NYC home by 829% after labeling Trump’s civil case ‘not victimless.’”

829% overvalued — just like his comedic talents.

ITEM 17: Shohei Ohtani was caught in a gambling scandal. Ohtani is a home run slugger and ace pitcher who just signed a $700 million contract with the Dodgers. MLB management is shocked that gambling is going on here.

Then league officials received their winnings from FanDuel, the official bookie of MLB, as Rick Blaine walked away.

ITEM 18: Fox Weather reported, “Punxsutawney Phil welcomes 2 baby groundhogs to family.”

So, he can do more than just look at his shadow.

ITEM 19: CNN in 2020 reported, “Diddy Combs: ‘White men like Trump need to be banished.’”

CNN this week reported, “Searches at Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ homes related to an ongoing sex trafficking investigation, law enforcement source says.”

Someday a jury may be asked of Diddy: did he?

ITEM 20: PJ Media reported, “Obama Has ‘Grave Concern’ Biden Will Lose, Is Ready to Intervene.”

Did someone mention grave? That’s Hillary’s specialty.

ITEM 21: Breitbart reported, “Israel: Zero Civilian Casualties at Shifa Hospital; Hundreds of Terrorists Killed, Arrested.”

It isn’t a hospital. It’s a movie set.

ITEM 22: Collin Rugg tweeted, “Donald Trump arrives at the wake of murdered New York police officer Jonathan Diller.

“Diller was a married father with a 1-year-old boy.

“He was shot in the stomach in Queens by career criminal Guy Rivera who was arrested 21 times before the incident.

“Biden is currently busy fundraising with Obama and Bill Clinton for the 2024 election.”

Just as well. The widow did not need to have Biden there leering at her nieces and looking at his watch.

ITEM 23: PJ Media reported, “Dave Portnoy Raises $1.5 million for Family of Slain NYPD Officer.”

He founded the Barstool Sports website. Fans put up $750,000. He matched it. The money goes directly to the family. It does not pass through a bureaucracy.

WDBJ reported, “Tunnel to Towers Foundation to pay off mortgage for fallen officer’s wife, son.”

As the previous item noted, Defund the Police presidents Clinton, Obama and Biden would rather raise money for themselves than for a widow and a son who will never see his father.

ITEM 24: Ruth Buzzi tweeted, “I dreamed I saw The Rockettes all dressed up as Easter bunnies, dancing backwards.

“It was sort of a receding hare line.”

They finally are making the sequel to Happy Gilmore. Tiger Woods will play Chubbs Peterson’s son and heir. How about having Ruth take Bob Barker’s place? Everyone would love to see Adam Sandler get smacked around by a big old purse.

ITEM 25: AP tweeted, “A $15 toll to drive into part of Manhattan has been approved. That’s a first for U.S. cities.”

The goal is to force more people to use the subways because criminals on those trains are running out of victims.

ITEM 26; Bob Aaron reported, “Gov. Jim Justice's signature on House Bill 4880 gets rid of the remaining state income tax on Social Security benefits over three years.

“Single filers earning more than $50,000 and couples with more than $100,000 in income are still paying the tax. The tax became a bit of a political football before the House version phasing it out over three years cleared the Senate at the end of the regular session.”

Three years?

Now they’ve given me a reason to live.

ITEM 27: Hot Air reported, “Shocking Court Ruling Says Ballots Must Be Signed and Dated.”

OK, I can see the signing it, but dating it? Where do you take a ballot on a date? The ballet?

ITEM 28: Zero Hedge reported, “Philadelphia Fed Admits U.S. Payrolls Overstated By At Least 800,000.”

When Democrats say they are creating jobs, they are being literal.

ITEM 29: Newsweek reported, “Thousands of Solar Panels in Texas Destroyed by Hailstorm.”

They call it clean energy. I don’t know how clean those 3,000 acres (nearly 5 square miles) of shattered solar panels are today.

ITEM 30: AP reported, “Biden administration will lend $1.5 billion to restart Michigan nuclear power plant, a first in the U.S.”

When it is something that works, it is a loan. When it is a goofy idea like solar power that will make donors rich, it is a subsidy.

ITEM 31: The Hill reported, “A State Department human rights staffer said she is resigning in response to the Biden administration’s policy on Gaza in a CNN opinion piece.”

One less anti-Semite at the State Department. Too bad George Lincoln Rockwell died because he’d be a perfect replacement.

ITEM 32: The Jeff Bezos Post whined, “Trump stays silent on detained U.S. reporter as he avoids criticizing Putin.”

If Trump were president, the reporter would be in the USA.

ITEM 33: JPA Football tweeted, “Former Patriots 6x Super Bowl winning Head Coach Bill Belichick is planning to write a book.”

He should title it Get Off My Lawn.

ITEM 34: Dr. M.F. Khan tweeted, “The Washington Commanders are being sued by The Native American Guardians Association, which has been trying to get the Commanders to change the name back to Redskins.

The lawsuit states: ‘The logo on the Redskin’s helmet is an actual person, it’s Chief White Calf. Every time they go out on that field, they were honoring Chief White Calf and they were battling on the football field with the same honor and integrity and courage. They should continue to honor that.’”

Once again, white people presume to speak for Indians. Once again, white people don’t know what the hell they were talking about.

FINALLY, tomorrow is Easter Sunday for all Christians. The religion is summed up in three words: He is risen.