Highlights of the week

ITEM 1: Kash Patel became the first FBI director who wasn’t a white guy.

Not a single Democrat voted to confirm him.

They are 0-19 in confirmation votes. Keep fighting guys because when Democrats fight, they lose.

ITEM 2: Just the News reported, “A Florida jury found CNN liable for $5 million on Friday in a defamation trial against U.S. Navy veteran Zachary Young, who sued the network after he was described as an illegal profiteer during a report on evacuees in Afghanistan.”

The award would have been larger but Jake Tapper’s audience is smaller than The Rifleman reruns on MeTV.

ITEM 3: The Hill reported, “The Department of Homeland Security on Thursday moved to end deportation protections for Haitians in the U.S., likely teeing up legal challenges.”

Finally, some hope for the remaining cats in Springfield.

ITEM 4: Collin Rugg tweeted, “Pete Buttigieg rips Democrats for their current approach to diversity, says it is how Trump Republicans are made.’ ”

The DEI hire is running for president. He’s so serious, Pete may come out of the closet as straight.

ITEM 5: Citizen Free Press tweeted poll numbers and said, “Donald Trump has completely reshaped the American electorate.”

Reshaped? Then why do I still have a pot belly?

ITEM 6: American Wire reported, “Nikki Haley slithers out to accuse Trump of doing Putin’s bidding.”

She’s doing FJB’s bidding.

ITEM 7: CBS reported, “U.S. dairy farmer says Trump’s mass deportation plan would put him out of business.”

I did not know that Mexican cows moo-ved into the USA.

ITEM 8: NYT reported, “Ukraine Promises Swift Deal for Minerals as Trump Cuts Kyiv Out of Peace Talks.”

For 3 years, Putin hasn’t got Ukraine to surrender.

It took Trump 3 days.

ITEM 9: Trump is selling the Nancy Pelosi Federal Building in SF.

The price does not include her vast collection of empty wine bottles.

ITEM 10: President Trump warmly welcomed the nation’s governors to the White House—except Janet Mills of Maine.

Trump: I understand the governor of Maine is here. Are you not gonna comply with it?

Governor Janet Mills: I’m complying with state and federal laws.

Trump: We are the federal law. You better do it. You better do it because you’re not gonna get any federal funding at all if you don’t.

I haven’t seen a man beat a lady like that since the women’s boxing finals in the Olympics.

ITEM 11: The Wall Street Journal reported, “Southwest Airlines to Slash Corporate Workforce in First Mass Layoff.”

The story said, “After a hiring spree in recent years, the airline has been facing investor pressure to rein in expenses.”

Investors don’t want Southwest to be the next TWA, Pan Am or Continental Airlines.

ITEM 12: Politico reported, “The John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum closed abruptly Tuesday afternoon amid a flurry of mass firings at federal agencies across the government.”

The museum should do what Politico did and sell $10,000-a-year subscriptions to the government.

Or maybe CEO Rachel Flor can cut her $349,098-a-year salary. Ask not what your country can do for you, baby.

ITEM 13: The Washingtonian reported, “The Kennedy Center canceled a concert planned for May 21 that was to feature the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington, DC, performing alongside the National Symphony Orchestra. The two groups were planning to collaborate on a piece called A Peacock Among Pigeons, with GMCW serving as the orchestra’s guest chorus. No explanation was given.”

The fact that it was a gay men’s chorus is all the explanation normal people need.

Maybe Rachel Flor can come in and sing a few songs from Camelot.

If ever I would leave you, it wouldn’t be on Tuesday
Tuesday I get my hair done, and my nails too

ITEM 14: NYT reported, “Senior American and Russian officials were set to meet in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday for the most extensive negotiations between the two countries in at least three years, as President Trump pushes to end the war in Ukraine and the Kremlin seeks warmer ties with Washington.”

Heavens to Murgatroyd. Peace is breaking out.

ITEM 15: The New York Post reported, “Ex-MSNBC host Mehdi Hasan deleted what he called a ‘poorly worded’ post on X that sparked outrage on Tuesday after two people died in a plane crash at Georgia’s Covington Airport east of Atlanta.

“The left-wing talking head claimed he posted ‘Make American Planes Crash Again’ in an attempt to mock the Make America Great Again slogan and to highlight the spate of recent fatal plane crashes under the Trump administration.

“But Hasan drew swift backlash and quickly deleted the post.”

Gee, I wonder why so many people are Islamophobic.

ITEM 16: CNBC reported, “U.S. President Donald Trump revealed on Wednesday that he’s considering sending 20% of the money saved by the Department of Government Efficiency advisory group to Americans.”

Mail those checks next year on our 250th Fourth of July.

ITEM 17: The New York Post reported, “Trump signs executive order cutting all taxpayer-funded benefits for illegal immigrants.”

But if we don’t give them free stuff, they won’t come here.

ITEM 18: So a few weeks ago, I used a meme that I got off Twitter and it turns out the person who made it designed it for a sweatshirt.

It was quite popular as a meme and I feel terrible that the artist gets nothing out of the deal. Look at it and see if you agree.

ITEM 19: Deadline reported, “It’s taking around $1 billion to have 007 stewards Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson cede creative oversight of their family’s storied James Bond franchise to Amazon MGM Studios, sources tell us.”

That control will last 10 years as Bond, James Bond falls into public domain in 2035. My James Bond will be played by a handsome retired writer who finally buys a 12-cylinder Bentley convertible.

ITEM 20: The Buenos Aires Herald reported, “Milei meets with Musk, gives him a personalized chainsaw.”

Amateur. He’s got his bribery thing backward. The billionaire gives the politician a gift, not the other way around. Milei would never make it as a Democrat.

ITEM 21: Gun Owners of America tweeted, “ATF’s Chief Counsel Pamela Hicks has been fired and escorted out of the Washington, D.C. headquarters.

“Hicks oversaw the enforcement of every Biden infringement of the Second Amendment since taking the position in 2021.”

Did they make her turn her gun in?

ITEM 22: The Sun reported, “Israelis demand Hamas face ‘hell’ over sick parade of murdered kids’ locked coffins—that had to be screened for bombs.”

Muftis in Dubai and Saudi Arabia condemned Hamas. The theological question is which ring of hell do Hamas leaders belong in?

ITEM 23: The Daily Wire reported, “70 Christians were found dead in a church in the Democratic Republic of Congo last week—reportedly beheaded at the hands of radical Islamic terrorists.”

Welcome back to the Crusades, folks.

ITEM 24: Reuters reported, “Panama’s security minister said on Tuesday that more than half of the migrants deported from the United States to transit point Panama in recent days had accepted voluntary repatriations to their home countries, largely in Asia or the Middle East.”

Iran and Red China are welcoming their spies home. They’ll be back.

ITEM 25: NYT reported, “Migrants, Deported to Panama Under Trump Plan, Detained in Remote Jungle Camp.”

The news just keeps getting better and better.

ITEM 26: American Wire reported, “Senator warmly welcomes home man who executed two FBI agents after Biden commuted his sentence.”

That would be Senator Tina Smith of Minnesota who raged against the J6 pardons: “Violent insurrectionists who assaulted police officers on J6 shouldn’t be let out of prison.”

The good news is she won’t seek re-election next year. As a bonus, Tampon Tim may run for the seat.

ITEM 27: The Jeff Bezos Post said, “Trump expected to take control of USPS, fire postal board, officials say.”

Breaking news from the Fifth of November. We elected Trump to run everything.

ITEM 28: The New York Post reported, “Zelensky’s friend list dwindling in the Trump White House as peace talk tensions escalate: ‘Best case is that he leaves to France immediately.’ ”

Hey, the little actor had a nice three-year run playing the Carpathian Winston Churchill.

Now to get Putin to flee to Switzerland.

ITEM 29: Libs of TikTok tweeted, “Federal agents now outnumber illegal crossers.”

Finally, a group of federal employees I hope will sit around all day with nothing to do.

ITEM 30: Culture Crave tweeted, “Hooters is reportedly making plans to file for bankruptcy.”

To paraphrase Sarah Palin, they may be broke but they ain’t flat busted.

ITEM 31: The Hindustan Times reported, “DOGE said it is almost impossible to track down nearly $4.7 trillion in federal payments because the Treasury Department did not impose a tracking code.”

If anyone can track it down, it is the guy who found a way to read 2,000-year-old scrolls covered in volcanic ash.

ITEM 32: AP reported, “A federal judge on Friday cleared the way for the Trump administration to pull thousands of U.S. Agency for International Development staffers off the job.

“U.S. District Judge Carl Nichols removed his temporary block on the effort to remove all but a small fraction of USAID staffers from their posts and give those abroad a 30-day deadline to move back to the U.S. at government expense.”

USAID employees have until noon Monday to get out of DOGE.

ITEM 33: Via Zero Hedge, LA Mayor Karen Bass fired Kristin Crowley as the first openly lesbian fire chief for letting 1,000 firefighters go home when the Palisades fire began.

I knew Bass was Ghana blame her.

ITEM 34: NYT reported, “The Associated Press filed a lawsuit on Friday against top White House officials, accusing them of violating the First and Fifth Amendments by denying AP reporters access to press events in retaliation for references to the Gulf of Mexico in its articles.”

How do you think Kavanaugh and Thomas will vote on the case after being portrayed by AP as rapists during their confirmation hearings?

ITEM 35: Chuck Schumer tweeted, “I’m thankful that everyone in the flight incident in Toronto that took off from Minneapolis is safe, but we keep seeing these incidents day after day. Meanwhile, Trump’s doing massive layoffs at the FAA—including safety specialists—and making our skies less and less safe.”

Wow. Democrats believe Canada already is the 51st state.

ITEM 36: Reuters reported, “The Federal Bureau of Investigation on Friday ordered the transfer of 1,500 staff out of its Washington headquarters, two sources familiar with the orders told Reuters.

“Some 1,000 staff would be dispersed to field offices around the United States, with another 500 ordered to transfer to Huntsville, Alabama, the sources said, adding that the news was conveyed to employees at a Friday meeting.”

The agents think they are Efrem Zimbalist Jr. in The FBI.

The new boss wants them to be Richard Boone in Have Gun, Will Travel.

They act like Bluto in the Popeye cartoons.

ITEM 37: Inside Defense reported, “The Pentagon announced this evening that President Trump intends to nominate retired Air Force Lt. Gen. Dan ‘Razin’ Caine as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, replacing Gen. CQ Brown, who has been fired. Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti and Air Force Vice Chief Gen. James Slife are also being replaced.”

For Brown, it was his religion. He worshiped at the altar of Saint George Floyd.

ITEM 38: NPR reported, “NBC settles defamation lawsuit with doctor falsely labeled ‘uterus collector.’ ”

The doctor performed two hysterectomies at an ICE detention center. That’s not a collection. That’s a pair. Now for a real collection, you have to look in my—never mind. Forget I said anything.

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Two polls today to tide you over till Monday.