What Snow White could have been

The moral to the story matters more than the DEI hiring

When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the wicked Queen.

—Woody Allen in Annie Hall, 1977

It is not kosher to begin a newsletter quoting Woody Allen because he married his daughter or something like that. OK, it was his crazy girlfriend’s daughter but he was always creepy and that was his entire schtick as a comedian. Annie Hall was his best comedy. It should have been his last comedy because he had reached the age where creepy no longer is funny but criminal.

As readers know, this was the weekend Disney finally dropped its mega-costly bomb, Disney’s Snow White. It was a remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the film that turned a small cartoon shop into a movie studio which eventually evolved into the world’s largest media corporation.

Relish the results, dear readers.

Chris Agar reported, “Snow White’s Disappointing Box Office Opening Could Match Dumbo.”

Did they have a donkey play Dumbo?

Alison Willmore reported, “I Don’t Know Why, But Snow White Is Totally About Lefty Infighting.”

You would think that would attract conservatives.

IMDB reported, “A princess joins forces with seven dwarfs to liberate her kingdom from her cruel stepmother the evil Queen.” (The character’s name is just the Queen.)

So now the storyline is an inheritance battle between a surviving child and a second wife. You might call it a battle of wills.

The original film is a classic because Walt Disney was the Elon Musk of fairy tales. Walt surrounded himself with masters of animation and music. Someday My Prince Will Come, Whistle While You Work and I’m Wishing are songs seldom heard on the radio but are always in our hearts.

The characters went beyond Snow and her evil stepmother. The dwarves are inspiring as both comic relief and heroes who keep Snow alive until her prince comes to revive and rescue her.

Two years later, MGM used the same magic to create The Wizard of Oz and succeeded. Dorothy’s dwarves were taller—a Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion—but her witch was just as scary and green.

The stars of the 1937 Disney movie are people you never heard of before and likely never heard of after. Adriana Caselotti was a teenager when she played Snow. The film was her only major credit because Walt locked in that beautiful voice.

IMDB reported, “Adriana was born into an operatic family. Her father Guido, an immigrant from Italy, taught music in New York City. Her mother Maria, originally from Naples, sang at the Royal Opera. Her sister Louise was a noted opera singer & voice teacher.

“At 18, she was chosen by Walt Disney to voice Snow White in his first full-length animated feature Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937). He had been looking for a fresh as well as natural voice & asked her father if any of his students might be suitable. Upon hearing Adriana’s voice, he realized his search was over.

“In the days of studio contracts & indenture, Walt wanted to keep the mystery of Snow White's voice, so except for a bit part in The Wizard of Oz (1939), she didn’t do any other film work. When Jack Benny wished to have her appear on his radio show, Walt refused—he owned the voice & it couldn’t be used anywhere else. She tried opera singing, invested in real estate & the stock market while living a full life.”

That sounds like dirty, rotten shame and maybe it is but tell me how was she to top the role? Judy Garland may have been better off if Dorothy were her final role.

In the 21st century, Disney has tried to top Snow White and apparently failed miserably. There were many reasons for failure. Woke is a joke in Trump’s second presidency, mocked out of its existence because of its extremism and uncompromising irrationality.

This film’s history is a good example of woke. Disney dumped the dwarves because a midget actor from Game of Thrones complained about stereotypes. That was fairly dumb. Sure, sure, sure. Every time I see a person under 5 foot, I think he is going to sneeze or be grumpy and save a damsel in distress.

Fortunately, the studio recanted and put in animated dwarves in a reshoot.

I won’t trash the DEI hire they put in as Snow but many call her Snow Brown. I grew up in Cleveland. I know what brown snow is.

Disney may have been better off chucking the whole thing and adapting Larry the Cable Guy’s version, Snow Caucasian and 7 Handy Capable Little People.

But Woody Allen had the better idea. The remake should have been about the Queen. She is far more interesting than Snow, who is a helpless victim saved only by dwarves and Prince Charming.

Disney had Gal Gadot as the Queen. She is far prettier than Rachel Zegler who played Snow. The idea that the plain Jane is better looking than an actress who played Wonder Woman is so far-fetched that surely audiences were laughing.

But when the studio is run by people you believe boys need tampons, you get such nonsense. Don’t be looksist or whatever they call it now.

Losing to her stepdaughter drives the Queen to madness, which obviously was a short trip. She put a contract out on Snow but the hunter fell in love with her and refused to kill her.

The Queen’s ego is so large that instead of accepting age with the grace to enjoy being second, she sacrifices her beauty (and Gal Gadot has it in spades) by becoming a shriveled up old lady just to kill her rival with a poisoned apple. The parallel to Eve in the Garden of Eden goes unspoken, doesn’t it?

That the Queen gets hers in a dark and stormy night is just. That is the climax of the film. Sure the loose ends get tied up. Dwarves keep Snow in a glass coffin, the prince finds her and kisses her. They live happily ever after.

But the moral to the story is that evil can consume a person to the point where they literally are unrecognizable.

Besides, the good guy winning is never quite as satisfying as watching the bad guy die. The Queen in all her horrifying splendor could be far more interesting.

Sure, there have been plenty of movies recently about villains. The Joker and Wicked come to mind, but they always delve into the backstory of the villain and let him or her off the hook because they had an unhappy childhood or were otherwise traumatized.

But lots of people went through even worse things and did not turn into a grinch. Gimme a true villain who is evil for evil’s sake.

Cesar Romero died too soon because he was the perfect Joker. You must respect a man who enjoys his work. He didn’t even bother to shave his moustache—just paste that greasepaint over the upper lip. Nobody will notice, and if you do, you are a nobody.

Snow White and the Queen could have been the film that breaks the mold if only because the movie would have emphasized the moral to the story about envy and vanity. Plus it would have given Gal Gadot more screen time and maybe a scene in a bathing suit.

Instead Disney seems to have given us the mold.

We will see how many get the connection for Winters and Somers to snow.