Highlights of the week

The baby did it.

ITEM 1: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents on Tuesday audited an upscale Washington, D.C., restaurant owned by the husband of CBS News journalist Norah O’Donnell, as the Trump administration works to remove illegal immigrants from the food industry.”

Her husband is Chef Boyaredeez-illegals-cheap-labor.

ITEM 2: Catholics elected an American pope, which means a few changes.

Coca-Cola replaces wine in communions. Doritos replace the wafers. He will compromise with Latin mass supporters by having mass in Pig Latin. But there is no truth to the rumor that he will restrict praying the Rosary (Hail Mary) to the last 10 seconds of a close football game.

ITEM 3: ABC tweeted, “Despite reports that Chicago native Pope Leo XIV is a Cubs fan, one of the newly selected pontiff's brothers, John Prevost, cleared things up during an interview with ABC News’ Alex Perez: ‘He’s a Sox fan.’ ”

Nick tweeted, “A Sox fan? No wonder he’s close to God. Has to pray a lot for them.”

The sordid truth is the pope isn’t a Leo. He’s a Virgo.

ITEM 4: Benny Johnson tweeted, “The Pope’s older brothers used to make fun of him for being a do-gooder saying: ‘What do you think you’re going to be Pope someday!?’ ”

Someday, they will have to explain to St. Peter all those wedgies they gave the pope.

ITEM 5: Trump cut a deal with Britain. Nick Sortor tweeted:

This ended up being a HELL of a deal for us!

✅ $6 BILLION in new tariff revenue

✅ US tariffs on imports from UK raised to 10%

✅ UK tariffs on imports from US lowered to 1.8%

✅ $5 BILLION in new exports from the U.S.

Tariffs on British cars lifted! I envision the mean old wife wobbling. Maybe I will get a Bentley for Father’s Day.

ITEM 6: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “The Trump Administration just upgraded the Social Security phone system.”

No more picking up the phone and saying, “Sarah? This is Andy. Get me Barney.”

ITEM 7: The tweet also said, “Average time to speak to a Social Security representative has now declined by nearly 30%, from 27.6 minutes to 20.3 minutes.”

This will cost Social Security money as fewer retirees will die while waiting for the next available representative.

ITEM 8: NBC reported, “Supreme Court allows Trump to implement transgender military ban.”

Allows.

He must have said, “Mother May I?”

ITEM 9: Rolling Stone complained, “Trump Brags About Gold-Plated Office While Telling Americans to Cut Expenses.”

Trump is paying for the White House renovations out of his own pocket.

ITEM 10: George Bush refused to attend the unveiling at the White House of a postage stamp honoring his mother.

To be fair, he’s seen her likeness on oatmeal boxes all his life.

ITEM 11: AP lied, “U.S. economy shrinks 0.3% in first quarter as Trump trade wars disrupt business.”

The tariffs did not take effect until after March 31, which was the last day of the quarter.

Buried in the story was this: “Federal government spending plunged 5.1% in the first quarter.”

Federal spending is 23% of the GDP, which means its reduction was larger than the 0.3% shrinkage.

ITEM 12: The New York Post reported, “Columbia University said it will cut around 180 staff members Tuesday following the Trump administration’s announcement in March that it canceled $400 million in federal grants over the Ivy League school’s ‘failure to protect Jewish students from anti-Semitic harassment.’ ”

That works out to $2 million in grants for every employee. We need cheaper scientists.

ITEM 13: Reuters reported, “U.S. railroad Amtrak cutting 450 positions, $100 million in annual costs.”

That works out to $222,222.22 per person. I’m throwing my calculator away because the math just makes me angrier and angrier.

ITEM 14: The Pulitzer Board handed out Pulitzers to assuage the egos of a dying breed of people: propagandists in newsprint.

Poynter reported that the Breaking News award was “awarded to the staff of the Washington Post for urgent and illuminating coverage of the July 13 attempt to assassinate then-presidential candidate Donald Trump, including detailed storytelling and sharp analysis that coupled traditional police reporting with audio and visual forensics.”

WaPo’s breaking news headline? “Trump leaves rally after loud noises erupt.”

The headline is still up there.

AP was a runner-up with its coverage of the assassination attempt. Its headline was “Donald Trump whisked off stage in Pennsylvania after loud noises rang through the crowd.”

That headline is still up there.

Did they ever find out what the loud noises were? Thunderclaps? Cars backfiring? Jerry Nadler breaking wind?

ITEM 15: Collin Rugg tweeted with video, “Democrat Rep. Pramila Jayapal deflects after being asked about Kilmar Armando Abrego Garcia. After spending the past month sobbing about Abrego Garcia, Democrats are now avoiding the same conversation *they* initiated.

“The internal polling on this topic must be absolutely horrific.”

Attacking Trump on everything all the time is a losing strategy. Please don’t tell them.

ITEM 16: The New York Post reported, “Whoopi Goldberg lashes out at Trump’s Hollywood tariffs.”

I told Disney not to make Sister Act 3.

ITEM 17: BBC reported, “The area where Elon Musk’s SpaceX company operates on the southern tip of Texas is to officially become a city called Starbase.

“Residents approved incorporating a patch of land as the new municipality in an election on Saturday.”

The vote was 212-6 in favor. Guess who the media interviewed.

ITEM 18: Transport Security International reported, “Last Monday, April 28, a bad piece of copper wire sparked a radar and communications blackout for air traffic controllers in Newark, New Jersey, sources say, and caused air traffic control computer screens to go dark for 60 to 90 seconds, according to multiple sources.”

Passengers pay $13 billion a year in aviation taxes to fund air traffic control only to be done in by cheap wiring.

What does the FAA do with that $13 billion? It’s as if they threw parties in Europe and Nevada.

ITEM 19: Olha Bereziuk reported, “The number of millionaires in Ukraine increased by 6,600 people in 2024—from 10,700 to over 17,000”—a 61% increase.

That’s in Ukrainian money. In U.S. dollars, they averaged more than $300,000 each in income. Remember, 10% goes to the Big Guy.

ITEM 20: Clay Travis tweeted, “Disney, which sued FL’s DeSantis over a ‘don’t say gay bill’ which merely banned sex instruction for kindergarten to third graders, announced today it will build a new theme park in Abu Dhabi, where gay people can be beheaded. Will ESPN have on air protests over this decision?”

Gays better pray none of the buildings are taller than one story.

ITEM 21: CBS said, “The Trump administration plans to eliminate the Energy Star program, a 33-year-old energy efficiency certification for appliances such as refrigerators and dishwashers that has helped American consumers save more than $500 billion in energy costs, according to the program.”

Those savings work out to about $15 billion a year—or less than 1% of the $1.7 trillion Americans spend on energy each year.

Definitely, the calculator must go.

ITEM 22: Collin Rugg tweeted, “The FBI has officially opened a formal criminal investigation into New York AG Letitia James for her alleged fraudulent mortgage transactions, according to Times Union.”

I already have her mugshot.

ITEM 23: ABC tweeted, “A Wisconsin hospital announced Tuesday that 14 of its registered maternity nurses are expecting, just in time for National Nurses Week and ahead of Mother’s Day.”

I have heard of taking work home with you, but this is too much.

ITEM 24: Townhall reported, “The FBI and Justice Department on Wednesday announced the arrests of over 200 child sex predators in Operation Restore Justice.”

Now we need an Operation Fire Up The Wood Chipper.

ITEM 25: Right Angle News Network reported, “Democrats are now demanding the firing of a DHS officer, who was caught on film enjoying a cigar after a successful immigration raid in Nashville.”

This anti-smoking campaign has gotten out of hand.

ITEM 26: AP said, “President Donald Trump abruptly fired Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden as the White House continues to purge the federal government of those perceived to oppose the president and his agenda.”

Note to her replacement: Don’t let Lizzo anywhere near James Madison’s flute.

ITEM 27: NYT said, “The Trump administration is working to bring the first group of white South Africans it has classified as refugees to the United States early next week, according to officials briefed on the plans and documents obtained by The New York Times.”

The black government singing Kill All The Boers and confiscating their land convinced Trump. Plus Afrikaners don’t eat cats.

ITEM 28: The Sun reported, “Pakistan ‘shoots down 25 Indian drones & kills 50 troops’ and vows even bigger strike as nuke powers sit on edge of war.”

Liberals await Trump picking a side to support so they can support the other side.

ITEM 29: On Thursday, Trump appointed Judge Pirro, a commentator on Fox, as DC prosecutor.

On Friday, he said to hell with it and hired every on-air personality at Fox—except Jessica Tarlov.

ITEM 30: PJ Media reported, “College President Flunks Test on Whether It’s Wrong to Celebrate Hamas Murders of Jews.”

But he assured Congress that misgendering is wrong.

ITEM 31: The New York Post reported, “A Georgia college student faces deportation after she ran a red light, and authorities discovered her entire family has been illegally living in the US for nearly 15 years.”

The family that deports together, stays out together.

ITEM 32: Collin Rugg tweeted, “Newark, New Jersey, Mayor Ras Baraka was just arrested for allegedly storming an ICE detention facility.”

Insurrection! His punishment will be having to fly out of Newark’s airport.

ITEM 33: We secretly replaced Rachel Maddow on MSNBC with Jen Psaki. Let’s see how that’s going.

Trending Politics reported, “Psaki’s Wednesday episode was trounced not just by Fox News and CNN, but by reruns of Friends, Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, and even Paw Patrol. According to Fox, 38 different cable news offerings outperformed The Briefing among the advertiser-coveted demo. The 9 p.m. hour marked MSNBC’s lowest-rated Wednesday prime-time slot since before Trump’s second inauguration.”

Paw Patrol? That gives me an idea: The CoComelon-Baby Shark News Hour.

Raccoon story. LEGO factory story. Sucker story.