Highlights of the week

Elakala Falls, West Virginia.

Shh. Tell no one. It’s our little secret tucked away in Tucker County.

ITEM 1: The New York Post reported, “Dear Abby: My family doesn’t accept my transgender child.”

People who seek personal advice from people who died 11 years ago shouldn’t be parents.

ITEM 2: AFP reported, “Trash overwhelms Havana as garbage trucks lack parts, fuel.”

The Californication of Cuba continues.

Maybe Castro’s son in Canada could help them out.

ITEM 3: The Times of Israel reported, “Top Hamas official urges resumption of suicide terror attacks against Israel.”

He can go first.

ITEM 4: Breitbart reported, “Alien star Sigourney Weaver started crying during a press conference at the Venice Film Festival in Italy on Wednesday when a reporter asked about her character Ripley being a possible inspiration for Kamala Harris — who has yet to hold a press conference since being installed as the Democratic presidential nominee.”

How gauche. Margaret Hamilton never bragged about inspiring Hillary.

ITEM 5: AP reported, “Nebraska voters will choose between two competing abortion measures to either expand abortion rights or limit them to the current 12-week ban — a development likely to drive more voters to the polls in a state that could see one of its five electoral votes up for grabs in the hotly contested presidential race.”

Pass them both and let the legislature figure it out, which is sorta their job anyway.

I also like how AP said only one of its five electoral votes will be up for grabs. What will happen to the other four votes? Is there a skip day at Electoral College?

ITEM 6: The Daily Mail reported, “McDonald’s finally reveals launch of the Big Arch — its biggest burger ever.”

Price: $9 each. Low-interest loans will be available at most locations.

ITEM 7: AP reported, “Home improvement chain Lowe’s is scaling back its diversity, equity and inclusion policies, joining the ranks of several other companies that altered their programs since the U.S. Supreme Court outlawed affirmative action in college admissions or after facing a conservative backlash online.”

If you don’t have Tim “Taylor” Allen on your payroll, are you really a Home Improvement chain?

ITEM 8: Fox reported, “Home Depot partnered with HRC on elementary school gender curriculum that taught kids about pansexuals.”

Good thing we’re boycotting Lowe’s.

I guess Ace really is the place.

ITEM 9: Carlos Talks Pats tweeted with video, “Bill Belichick calls Massachusetts ‘Taxachusetts’ and says state taxes make it harder for the Patriots to sign free agents.”

So that’s why Tom Brady left. Here I thought it was the cold winters and the people who talk funny.

ITEM 10: The Epoch Times reported, “Special Counsel Smith Files Revised Indictment In Trump Federal Election Case.”

Keep indicting, Jack. The judges will keep dismissing.

ITEM 11: Reuters reported, “Canada, following the lead of the United States and European Union, said on Monday it would impose a 100% tariff on imports of Chinese electric vehicles and announced a 25% tariff on imported steel and aluminum from China.”

When Trump did this it was xenophobic.

It was a tax on the poor.

And it was anti-capitalistic.

ITEM 12: The Times of Israel reported, “Israel has reportedly okayed temporary humanitarian truces in the Gaza Strip in order to facilitate polio vaccinations for the local population.”

The Jews care more about Palestinian children than the Palestinians do.

ITEM 13: The Wall Street Journal reported, “A federal appeals court on Wednesday revived Sarah Palin’s defamation suit against the New York Times, ruling a trial judge committed a series of errors in presiding over the former Republican vice-presidential candidate’s case.”

Telling the jury that no matter what their verdict is you are going to toss the case does seem odd.

ITEM 14: Reuters reported, “Russia's foreign ministry on Wednesday said it was banning entry to Russia for 92 U.S. citizens including journalists, lawyers, and the heads of what it said were key military-industrial firms over what it described as Washington's Russophobic stance.”

Do we have to take them back?

ITEM 15: Breitbart reported, “Texas Gov. Greg Abbott (R) has removed over one million people from the state’s voter rolls in an ongoing effort to bar ineligible voters, including non-citizens, from polling day. The move on voter fraud comes 69 days out from the Tuesday, November 5, 2024. presidential election.”

Cemeteries hardest hit.

ITEM 16: SF Gate reported, “When Paralympic athletes fake the extent of their disability.”

It is called a Cartman. Once again, a prime-time cartoon is 20 years ahead of the news.

ITEM 17: Joey Mannarino posted a video of Kamala and tweeted, “This woman is totally hammered. This is what you start talking about when you’re on your eighth glass of wine and some cocaine. Look at the mannerisms, too!”

I refuse to believe the rumor that the White House cocaine was hers.

But she does act like Kammy Faye Baked Girl.

ITEM 18: Axios reported, “More Americans embrace COVID vax untruths: Poll.”

The No. 1 untruth being that it was a vaccine.

ITEM 19: NYT complained, “Elon Musk, the world’s richest person, has hired a Republican operative with expertise in field organizing to help steer his political work, a move that suggests that Mr. Musk is preparing to become even more involved in Republican politics and get-out-the-vote efforts specifically.”

But I thought the New York Times liked corporations that promote Vote Or Die.

ITEM 20: Fox reported, “Video shows armed gang at troubled Colorado apartment building believed to have been taken over by migrants.”

Illegal aliens. If they break one law, they will break them all.

ITEM 21: The New York Post reported, “Mom outraged after man wears Pornhub shirt to zoo.”

They finally found the evil petting zoo that Dr. Evil was looking for.

ITEM 22: Disclose TV reported, “Dollar General shares drop 26%, marking the steepest intraday decline in its history. The CEO says core customers are financially constrained.”

If the Walmart for the Poor folds, then the only place left is Goodwill.

ITEM 23: KING-TV reported, “Two Goodwill locations in Seattle will close in late September due to escalating theft [and] safety concerns as well as rising rents, the company announced last week.”

We are so screwed.

ITEM 24: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “‘I Did Fries’: Kamala Harris Claims She Worked at McDonald's, but She Never Mentioned It Until She Ran for President. Did She Really Toil Beneath the Golden Arches?”

I worked at Burger King when I was 16. Yo, Kamala Toe, do you want fries with that Whopper?

Ed Driscoll called it Stolen McValor.

ITEM 25: Kamaliar and The Donald will debate next week.

Can’t wait for Trump to say, “I worked with Grimace. Grimace is a friend of mine. You madam are no Grimace. You are not even a fry guy.”

ITEM 26: The Wall Street Journal reported, “U.S.-Made F-16 Crashed in Ukraine, Killing Pilot.”

The story said, “Initial reports indicate the jet wasn’t shot down by enemy fire, U.S. officials said.”

We are giving $63 million jet fighters to people who shouldn’t be trusted flying a kite.

ITEM 27: Big League Politics reported, “Over 50,000 British Citizens Have Been Charged For Using ‘Illegal Words Or Writing.’ ”

So, Tories, how’s that new Labour government working out for you?

Don’t answer because they’ll arrest you and try to extradite me.

ITEM 28: Trending Politics reported:

The Daily Mail reported that Melania’s latest memoir, titled simply Melania, has smashed records and burned up the pre-order lists in advance of its October 1st release date. The tell-all tale includes the story of first meeting her husband, former President Donald Trump, but readers appear to be most interested in learning about the intimate moments of the Slovenia native’s life.

Melania is currently sitting at the No. 1 position on Amazon’s books category for Political Leader Biographies and is No. 2 overall in the larger Biographies category. Among all books, Melania is positioned at No. 5, an impressive feat for a book that has not yet been released.

The Donald wrote a couple of best-sellers as well. I wonder why they were never re-issued when he was president.

ITEM 29: Newsweek reported, “Kamala Harris’s odds of winning the 2024 presidential election deteriorated noticeably after her CNN interview, which took place along with running mate Tim Walz, on Thursday evening, according to two leading bookmakers.”

Psy-ops. They want us overconfident.

Well, that and it was a horrific performance.

ITEM 30: CNBC reported, “Meet the Gen Zers skipping college to take blue-collar jobs and launch trade businesses: ‘One of the smartest decisions I ever made.’ ”

Instead of taking out a student loan, they take out mortgages. Instead of a piece of paper, they have a house. This is what me, my mom and my sisters did in the 1960s and 1970s. It was normal then. Now it is weird.

ITEM 31: The Wall Street Journal reported, “Violent Drug Gangs Bring Mayhem to Western Europe.”

For decades, the Euros have bragged that they have no guns and don’t lock up criminals and have a low crime rate. Well, good luck with the Muslim invaders. It wasn’t the guns; it was the homogenous societies.

ITEM 32: The Harvard Crimson reported, “Former University of Pennsylvania President Elizabeth Magill will join Harvard Law School’s Center on the Legal Profession as a visiting senior fellow this fall, according to a recently updated copy of Magill’s curriculum vitae.”

She checked all the boxes: she’s female, an Ivy Leaguer and hates Jews.

ITEM 33: NYT reported that Democrat Wes Moore, governor of Maryland, lied about receiving a Bronze Star.

But he did spend a night at the Holiday Inn while on TDY. That’s almost the same thing, right?

ITEM 34: Townhall reported, “Trump-Vance Campaign Rolls Out Brutal New Ad Using This Line From Harris' CNN Interview.”

The debate may be entertaining.

ITEM 35: Resist the Mainstream reported, “Chris Christie Will Teach Course on Running for Office at Yale.”

Well, he does have the honorary doctorate in Loserology from Rutgers.

ITEM 36: AP reported, “Top Brazilian judge orders suspension of X platform in Brazil amid feud with Musk.”

Old: Twitter blocks president.

New: Country blocks Twitter.

ITEM 37: CNBC reported, “Elon Musk’s X can proceed to trial in case against Media Matters after Texas judge denies dismissal request.”

Once Musk wins the case and puts Media Matters for America out of business, Brazil is next.

ITEM 38: UPI reported, “FDA mandates photo ID for all under 30 to buy tobacco.”

Cigarettes have tighter security than voting.

FINALLY, in celebration of the last day of August, I leave readers with two earworms.

Carole King’s It Might as Well Rain Until September.

And See You in September by The Happenings.