Highlights of the week

ITEM 1: Having rescued two astronauts this week, Elon Musk set his sights on bringing Major West, Dr. Smith and the Robinson family home.

NASA launched them on October 16, 1997, and were headed to Alpha Centauri, but somehow they became lost in space.

ITEM 2: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “Trump says he will pay the astronauts who were stranded in outer space overtime out of his own pocket.

“DOOCY: They didn't get any overtime. $5 per day per diem, that’s $1,430 in extra pay. Can the administration fix this?

“TRUMP: No one mentioned this. If I have to, I'll pay it out of my own pocket, OK? I'll get it for them. I like that.”

And he won’t tax the OT.

ITEM 3: World Net Daily reported, “An American freed from the Taliban in Afghanistan after being held hostage for two years is thanking President Trump for his freedom.”

Trump is bringing everyone home.

ITEM 4: Chris Queen reported, “One Georgia County Is Making Bank Off Speed Cameras. It's Time to Stop the Scam.”

Georgia needs you, Lester Maddox. Lester, won’t you please come home?

ITEM 5: CBS tweeted, “President Trump’s dismantling of Voice of America will pave the way for U.S. adversaries to tell an anti-America narrative, VOA Director Michael Abramowitz told Nancy Cordes in his first interview since VOA’s full-time staff and contractors were placed on administrative leave.”

Mollie Hemingway beat me to the punch, tweeting, “Don’t worry, CBS, no one can push an anti-America narrative as well as you do.”

ITEM 6: Far Out Magazine tweeted, “Over 400 Hollywood stars, from Ben Stiller to Paul McCartney, have signed an open letter deploring President Donald Trump’s plans to strip away copyright protections to benefit artificial intelligence companies.”

Help me, Orange-bi Wan KenHitler. You’re my only hope.

ITEM 7: A French politician wants the USA to return the Statue of Liberty.

How about a compromise? We send back all the French Fries that aren’t fried in beef tallow?

ITEM 8: Popular Science reported, “A startup wants to mine the moon for helium.”

Hey, geniuses, if we remove the helium from the moon, it will fall down on us.

ITEM 9: Fox tweeted, “Thousands of pages of new JFK assassination files released, fulfilling Trump promise.”

Ancient history. I want to see the Trump assassination files.

Oh wait. The FJB administration destroyed them.

ITEM 10: SF Gate reported, “Several longtime corporate sponsors of San Francisco’s Pride celebrations are pulling their funding for the festivities, leaving Pride organizers searching for another way to raise $300,000.”

It raises $4 million a year—to put on a parade.

Budweiser is among the sponsors dropping Pride because its sales were light, bud.

ITEM 11: The New York Post reported, “Ultra-rare perfectly round egg auctioned off for over $500: ‘One-in-a-billion.’ ”

That was in England. And you thought inflation was bad in America.

ITEM 12: Fox tweeted, “PENN-ALTY BOX: The Trump administration is dropping the hammer on the University of Pennsylvania as it cracks down on keeping biological men out of women's sports. The Ivy League school may lose all of its federal funding amid an investigation for suspected Title IX violations.”

Looks like the women’s swimming trophies Will Thomas won may cost the college $1 billion a year, according to Outkick. The school’s pronouns are Dumb/Ass.

Trump graduated from Penn. He has never identified as Donna Trump.

ITEM 13: Pam Bondi said, “The swarm of violent attacks on Tesla property is nothing short of domestic terrorism. The Department of Justice has already charged several perpetrators with that in mind, including in cases that involve charges with five-year mandatory minimum sentences. We will continue investigations that impose severe consequences on those involved in these attacks, including those operating behind the scenes to coordinate and fund these crimes.”

The Democrat Party’s attacks on Teslas, Tesla chargers and Tesla dealerships is no joking matter. Jimmy Kimmel joked about it. But it was a Jimmy Kimmel joke so it doesn’t count.

ITEM 14: Pierre Poilievre tweeted, “Last night, President Donald Trump endorsed Mark Carney.” Carney is his opponent.

Catturd replied, “That's what you get for talking all the smack against Trump.”

Oh well, Pierre Imperfecto gave us a nice lesson in handling the press while eating an apple.

ITEM 15: Derrick Evans tweeted, “Trump administration plans to lay off hundreds of scientists and researchers from the federal government.”

Oh no! Who is going to tell us cloth masks stop viruses, bats created covid and men have babies?

ITEM 16: Medical Express News reported, “Installing safety nets on Golden Gate Bridge linked to 73% decline in suicides.”

It took government scientists 91 years to figure this out.

ITEM 17: USA Today reported, “Greenpeace ordered to pay over $660 million for Dakota pipeline protests”

Greenpeace targeted the pipeline, which would transport 40% of the oil produced in North Dakota. Warren Buffett’s BNSF Railway holds a monopoly on transporting oil from the Bakken fields in North Dakota.

ITEM 18: Breanna Morello tweeted, “New York's highest court just ruled against NYC's law allowing non-citizens to vote.”

Aliens cannot vote? So much for Marvin the Martian’s campaign for mayor.

ITEM 19: Drudge shouted, “NYT: MUSK TO GET PENTAGON'S TOP-SECRET CHINA WAR PLANS.”

Well, why not? Red China already has them, courtesy of Mark Milley.

ITEM 20: Matt also linked with his own headline: “Dems face their own Tea Party revolt.”

That should be T-Girl Party because that’s the hill they are dying on.

ITEM 21: Breitbart reported, “German luxury auto manufacturer Audi said it is considering moving car production to the United States to avoid tariffs from the Trump administration.

“Volkswagen’s subsidiary Audi brand said this week that it is examining various long-term strategies, including potentially shifting production to America, to deal with President Donald Trump’s restrictions on foreign imports.”

Tempting, as is this Mustang GTD with 815 horsepower.

ITEM 22: Reuters reported, “The United Arab Emirates has committed to a 10-year, $1.4 trillion investment framework in the United States after top UAE officials met President Donald Trump this week, the White House said on Friday.”

Dubai do buy American.

ITEM 23: Michelle Obama is sporting a new hairdo.

M-I-C. H-E-L.

M-O-U-S-E.

Disney should sue her for trademark infringement.

ITEM 24: Resist the Mainstream reported, “Federal prosecutors have charged three individuals with carrying out violent attacks against Tesla properties, describing their actions as acts of domestic terrorism. The suspects allegedly used Molotov cocktails to set fire to Tesla dealerships, vehicles and charging stations in multiple states.”

Look for Judge Boasberg to rule that arson is a form of protest. Burn a flag, burn a Tesla, what’s the difference?

Just don’t misgender or dead-name the arsonist.

ITEM 25: Jessica tweeted, “Judge Boasberg asks Trump’s DOJ in court, “Why was this proclamation signed in the dark?”

Because FJB took the autopen with him.

ITEM 26: James Conrad reported, “Tennessee Library Board Votes 5-3 to Remove Transgender Books from Children’s Section.”

Good. The only Transformers in a kid’s life should be the cars that become robots.

ITEM 27: The New York Post reported, “Columbia University caves to Trump’s demands over campus antisemitism, including mask ban and more oversight

Money matters, even at Whatsanazi U.

ITEM 28: Benny Johnson tweeted, “FBI agent Johnathan Buma, who in the past accused the Trump administration of political bias, has been arrested for leaking classified information.”

The bureau is leakier than Grandma’s unchanged Depends.

ITEM 29: CBS tweeted, “Ohio State Buckeyes to visit White House after national championship win.”

True champions accept the invitation regardless of the president.

ITEM 30: Derrick Evans tweeted with video, “Comedian Bill Burr says Elon Musk is a nerd who doesn’t ‘know how to talk to hot women.’ ”

The baby mamas of his 14 kids look pretty hot to me. Musk must be all action and no talk.

ITEM 31: Reuters reported, “Trump revokes legal status for 530,000 Cubans, Haitians, Nicaraguans and Venezuelans.”

He told them to go deport themselves.

ITEM 32: President Trump pulled the security clearances of Hillary, FJB, Liz Cheney and many other Democrats.

Every day is Christmas in the second term.

ITEM 33: The Daily Mail reported, “FBI takes down three of America's 10 most wanted since Trump took office.”

It is amazing what the bureau can do when it stops spying on political opponents.

ITEM 34: Collin Rugg tweeted with video, “Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick says he sold 1,000 immigration Gold Cards (priced at $5 million each) in one day this week.

“The development means $5 billion was made to help pay off the national debt.”

Leave it to Trump to find the one group of immigrants that Democrats hate.