Highlights of the week

They said No Kings but they said nothing about emperors.

Israeli TV parody of Emperor Trump.

ITEM 1: UPI reported, “Study finds white people at greater risk for deadly diarrhea germ.”

Diarrhea runs in the family.

ITEM 2: ABC tweeted, “Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have joined a diverse group calling for a ban on AI superintelligence that threatens humanity.”

By superintelligence, these wizards mean an IQ above room temperature.

ITEM 3: Not the Bee reported, “Louvre museum’s first female security chief, hired by first female director, become first women to lose French crown jewels.”

Men instinctively protect the family jewels.

ITEM 4: The New York Post reported, “New York City has also lost a bunch of its millionaires 2010, according to the outlet. The city’s percentage of millionaires dropped from 12.7% to 8.7%, according to a Citizen’s Budget Commission report.”

They’re in luck. Florida found the missing millionaires.

ITEM 5: House Judiciary Chairman Jim Jordan tweeted, “John Brennan lied to Congress. Today, we referred him to the Department of Justice for criminal prosecution.”

I can’t wait to hear Brennan complain that this is what they do in communist countries.

ITEM 6: ABC reported, “A New Jersey housekeeper was attacked by a coyote Monday afternoon while she was outside with the family’s golden retriever, according to surveillance video that captured the incident.”

This happens when you hire a road runner as a housekeeper.

ITEM 7: CBS tweeted, “A patient with Parkinson’s disease played the clarinet while undergoing brain surgery to help manage her symptoms, giving surgeons a chance to instantly hear the results of the procedure.”

Good thing it wasn’t a tuba.

ITEM 8: The New York Times reported, “The tension between the WNBA and its players’ union is rising as the deadline to reach a new collective bargaining agreement approaches. The discord primarily stems from one issue: revenue sharing.”

The league loses $40 million a year. The league should make the players help cover the losses.

ITEM 9: UK PM Keir Starmer said, “We will not tolerate attacks on our Muslim communities or any form of anti-Muslim hatred.”

It’s Saudi Britannia now.

ITEM 10: The New York Times tweeted, “The U.S. will allow oil and gas drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, one of the largest remaining tracts of pristine wilderness in the country.”

It’s a 19.6 million-acre ice rink that is larger than West Virginia. The section to be drilled covers 2,000 acres. The polar bears will have to move their hockey games a little south.

ITEM 11: The Conservative Brief reported, “President Donald Trump scored a massive victory at the Supreme Court, even getting traditionally liberal justices in his favor.”

The court ruled 8-1 that he can terminate Temporary Protected Status.

Add “temporary” to the list of words besides woman that Justice Ketanji Einstein cannot define.

ITEM 12: CNBC reported, “Chauncey Billups, others arrested in FBI probe linking NBA to Mafia gambling ring.”

Mafia. Red China. What is next for the NBA? Pimping WNBA players?

ITEM 13: The Army Times tweeted, “Fort Gordon now honors Medal of Honor recipient Master Sergeant Gary Gordon, who gave his life during the Battle of Mogadishu.”

Good. His sacrifice should be remembered. But I guess this also means Commissioner Gordon owned slaves.

ITEM 14: Collin Rugg tweeted, “No Kings protester arrested for allegedly assaulting a Trump supporter at a protest in Denver. Jose Cardenas, 20, has been arrested & charged with second-degree assault in connection to the trip that caused the man to fall, according to the Denver Gazette.”

Jose may have been the only protester under 60.

ITEM 15: Japan has its first woman prime minister, Sanae Takaichi.

Colonel Otaku Gatekeeper tweeted, “Sanae Takaichi has created a new Ministry dedicated to mass deportations & has appointed Kimi Onoda for the job! She’s ready to enact Remigration!”

Onoda is just like Tom Homan except she is younger, prettier and smells nicer.

ITEM 16: Zarathustra tweeted, “In the Netherlands they’ve made the data public: each Somali immigrant has been found to cost the public about $1.2 million over their lifetime, while each North American and Japanese immigrant generated a net contribution of roughly $500,000.”

If you import only industrious North Americans and Japanese, who will collect welfare and rape your women?

ITEM 17: WashingtonAmerica.Net tweeted:

The United States and Australia have signed an $8.5 billion deal for rare earth minerals. The agreement will send 30 critical metals from Australia to the US.

President Trump stated, “In about a year from now, we’ll have so much critical mineral and rare earths that you won’t know what to do with them.”

We will start calling rare earth elements “common elements.”

ITEM 18: Aleksandra Huk tweeted, “I’m Polish, my husband is British. I escaped Poland 15 years ago. Now he wants to escape Britain and aspires to get a Polish passport. How the tables have turned.”

I’m going to pitch to Polish TV my idea for a TV sitcom, Welcome Back, Aleksandra. I will leave out having an Epstein this time.

ITEM 19: NFSC Speaks tweeted: “The CCP’s largest crackdown on underground churches in decades saw 30 members of Zion Church arrested across 10 cities, including Pastor Ezra Jin Mingri, a Tiananmen survivor now accused of illegal use of information networks. Churches razed, crosses torn down, worship branded superstitious subversion. Yet despite the persecution, faith endures because courage rooted in truth cannot be crushed. And that’s what the CCP fears most.”

Mamdani is taking notes.

ITEM 20: Deutsche Welle reported, “A major new study by 22 public service media organizations, including DW, has found that four of the most commonly used AI assistants misrepresent news content 45% of the time—regardless of language or territory.”

Which means ChatGPT is more accurate than 22 public service media organizations.

ITEM 21: Rahm Emanuel said, “Think about the position the United States is now in the Middle East, without losing a soldier, we are the dominant power.”

Trump used a crisis to accomplish what he could not have done otherwise.

ITEM 22: SARA HAINES: “If Congress just said, ‘we’re not gonna take our paychecks till we figure this out,’ that would be a noble step in the right direction.”

BERNIE SANDERS: “Not everybody can afford to do that.”

HAINES: “Neither can the people that aren’t getting paid.”

Burn, Bernie, burn.

ITEM 23: War Consigliere Peter Hegseth tweeted:

Yesterday, at the direction of President Trump, the Department of War conducted a lethal kinetic strike on a vessel being operated by a Designated Terrorist Organization and conducting narco-trafficking in the Eastern Pacific.

The vessel was known by our intelligence to be involved in illicit narcotics smuggling, was transiting along a known narco-trafficking transit route, and carrying narcotics. There were two narco-terrorists aboard the vessel during the strike, which was conducted in international waters. Both terrorists were killed and no U.S. forces were harmed in this strike.

Narco-terrorists intending to bring poison to our shores, will find no safe harbor anywhere in our hemisphere. Just as Al Qaeda waged war on our homeland, these cartels are waging war on our border and our people. There will be no refuge or forgiveness—only justice.

Please, Mister Secretary, attach the theme to Miami Vice to these videos of exploding speedboats.

ITEM 24: At a press conference, Hegseth fired back at people who are worried that the strikes on narco-terrorists are actually taking out fishermen. He said, “Generally, you don’t see fishing in submarines.”

This administration burns so many reporters that press conferences are now called Press Toasters.

ITEM 25: Kristi Noem said, “I’m so proud of the work that was done just in the September surge. We had over 400 operations that brought 3,200 terrorists to justice. Fentanyl has been cut down by 50% coming into this country over our borders.”

Consider getting blown up by the Navy as a tariff that importers of fentanyl now pay.

ITEM 26: India Today reported, “Illegal immigrant trucker from India kills 3 in US. High on drugs, didn’t brake.

“A 21-year-old Indian-origin trucker, Jashanpreet Singh, was arrested after he killed three people and injured four others in Ontario, California. Singh, who was under the influence of drugs, reportedly entered the U.S. illegally in 2022. Another trucker who had illegally migrated from Punjab killed three people in a crash in August.”

Deport in a coffin.

ITEM 27: CNBC reported, “Trump’s Russia oil sanctions could just be starting as low prices leave room to escalate.”

Now you know why Obama opposed drill, baby, drill. It hurts Mother Russia.

ITEM 28: Sunny Hostin on Disney’s The View program said, “I know that black boys are not given the presumption of innocence and the presumption of youth.

“I have had to be in the position where I have gone to my local police department because I know my son is going to be training for the Junior Olympics, running around the neighborhood in an all-white neighborhood.”

Why does she live in an all-white neighborhood?

We know why.

ITEM 29: NYT tweeted, “The U.S. military accepted a private donation of $130 million to help pay troops during the shutdown. The move is highly unusual and a potential violation of federal law.”

Good luck enforcing that law.

ITEM 30: Politico reported, “Trump does what Brussels couldn’t: Kill Russian oil in Europe. New U.S. sanctions will be catastrophic for Lukoil’s operations across the continent, warns former company executive.”

Putin makes a lousy puppet master.

Or maybe it was Obama and Biden who were his puppets, and not Trump.

FINALLY, today is St. Crispin’s Day, which is best known for the Battle of Agincourt 610 years ago, in which the British led by King Henry V routed the French in the Hundred Years War despite being outnumbered 2 to 1.

The war is best known for this battle. The battle is best known for Henry V’s rousing speech before the battle in Shakespeare’s play Henry V. The play is best known for the speech, which ends:

He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,

Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,

And rouse him at the name of Crispin.

He that shall live this day, and see old age,

Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors,

And say ‘To-morrow is Saint Crispin:’

Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.

And say ‘These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.’

Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,

But he’ll remember with advantages

What feats he did that day: then shall our names.

Familiar in his mouth as household words

Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,

Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,

Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d.

This story shall the good man teach his son;

And Crispin Crispin shall ne’er go by,

From this day to the ending of the world,

But we in it shall be remember’d;

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,

This day shall gentle his condition:

And gentlemen in England now a-bed

Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s Day.

* * *

Saint Crispin’s Day is very appropriate for the speech because it honors the original band of brothers, Saints Crispin and Crispinian, twins who were martyred together 1,739 years ago on October 25, 286 AD.

They were shoemakers by trade. The British consider it good luck if it rains on their day because rain creates mud which gives people an incentive to buy a new pair of shoes. It rained plenty at Agincourt in 1415, both rainwater and British arrows.

And now you know the rest of the story.