Highlights of the week

ITEM 1: The Wall Street Journal reported, “Internet Pioneer AOL to Be Acquired by Italian Tech Company Bending Spoons.”

Bending spoons is cheaper than paying cash.

ITEM 2: Brick Suit tweeted, “Prince Andrew will soon no longer be a prince. He is to be stripped of all royal titles and associations.”

His new name is The Pedo Formerly Known As Prince.

ITEM 3: The Guardian reported, “Thieves stole more than 1,000 items belonging to a museum in Oakland, California, authorities said this week, including historic artifacts and jewelry.”

Officials valued the items at $20. Hey, it ain’t the Louvre.

ITEM 4: CNN reported, “Confirmation hearing delayed for Trump’s surgeon general nominee as she goes into labor with her first child.”

Women always have some lame excuse for being late.

ITEM 5: Newsweek distorted, “1.7 Million People to Be Banned From Benefits Under GOP Proposal.”

They are all immigrants, not Americans.

ITEM 6: ABC tweeted, “Not even a year out from the last presidential election, the Democrat National Committee has begun setting up a framework for the party’s next round of presidential primary elections.”

The plan once again consists of Barack Obama waving a wand on the chosen one and singing Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo while Jim Clyburn rigs the South Carolina Primary.

ITEM 7: CBS tweeted, “Alaska nonprofit rescues 180 dogs—and a turtle—after devastating flooding in remote villages.”

They let their owners drown?

ITEM 8: AP reported, “Nigeria’s Nobel-winning Author Wole Soyinka Says His US Visa Was Revoked.”

Oh no. Living in America meant so much to him.

Paragraph 5 ended, “In 2017, he destroyed his green card in protest of President Trump’s first inauguration.”

ITEM 9: Big Picture Studios, a subsidiary of Engulf and Devour, announced a remake of They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

In place of an endless dance marathon, the movie features an 18-inning World Series game. 6 action-packed hours and 39 edge-of-your-seat minutes.

Come on, MLB. Paint dries quicker.

ITEM 10: The New York Post tweeted, “LA Mayor Karen Bass backs $2.3 million plan to clean up crime-plagued MacArthur Park—months after berating ICE sweep of troubled greenspace.”

Well, now that the illegals are leaving there’s no sense in keeping the park dirty. I wonder how many of her friends will get a piece of that $2.3 million pie.

ITEM 11: ABC tweeted, “Gov. Gavin Newsom says President Trump backed down from deploying the National Guard to San Francisco because ‘he listens to billionaires’ and ‘people doing business with his son.’”

The mayor of San Francisco is a billionaire?

ITEM 12: Reuters reported, “South Korea welcomed U.S. President Donald Trump on Wednesday with a replica gold crown and awarded him with the Grand Order of Mugunghwa, the country’s highest decoration, the presidential office said.”

He also picked up Shinzo Abe’s putter from Japan. They danced for him in Malaysia. I am beginning to think they like him. They really like him.

ITEM 13: Fox News tweeted, “Democrat state senator accused of [indicted for] secretly filming two critics in bed together to try to silence them.”

Filming? As Hedley LaMarr would say, kinky.

ITEM 14: The Dallas Express reported, “Jasmine Crockett (D) failed to disclose ownership in at least 25 companies, including major pharmaceutical, fossil fuel, and marijuana firms, during her first congressional run in 2022 and again after taking office in 2023, according to records obtained by the Washington Free Beacon.”

Gotta pay for the wigs, lashes and nails somehow. Otherwise, she will look like this:

ITEM 15: NBC reported, “U.S. District Court judge Sara Ellis ordered Bovino, the Border Patrol sector chief overseeing the agency’s operations in Chicago and previously in Los Angeles, to appear in federal court each weekday at 6 p.m. to report on daily immigration operations. She also ordered that he turn over all agents’ use of force reports from Sept. 2 through Oct. 25, as well as the bodycam footage corresponding to those reports, by Friday.”

Judge Sara Ellis also commanded him to address her as Queen of the United Kingdom, Empress of India, Countess of Balmoral and Countess of Lancaster. He is to carry a prayer rug and kneel on it five times a day and bow while facing her direction.

ITEM 16: The Dapper Detective tweeted, “The 7th Circuit Court of Appeals BLOCKS foreign-born Obama Judge Sarah Ellis’ order requiring CBP official Gregory Bovino to appear in court daily for updates on illegal alien deportation raids in sanctuary city Chicago.”

Thanks a pants load for spoiling the joke, 7th Circuit and your Constitution-reading judges.

ITEM 17: The 7th Circuit said, “While this litigation presents very challenging circumstances, the district court’s order has two principal failings. First, it puts the court in the position of an inquisitor rather than that of a neutral adjudicator of the parties’ adversarial presentations. Second, it sets the court up as a supervisor of Chief Bovino’s activities, intruding into personnel management decisions of the Executive Branch.

“These two problems are related and lead us to conclude that the order infringes on the separation of powers. Review by appeal at the end of the case would not solve the problems created in the interim, which justifies review by a prerogative writ.”

Judge Sara Ellis, election denier.

ITEM 18: The New York Post reported, “New York City mayoral frontrunner Zohran Mamdani was hit with two criminal referrals Tuesday filed by a campaign finance watchdog accusing the lefty socialist of accepting illegal contributions from foreign donors.

“The Coolidge Reagan Foundation filed the referrals—alleging Mamdani may have violated the Federal Election Campaign Act and New York Election Code—with the Department of Justice’s Criminal Division and Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s office on Tuesday.

“The referrals were filed after the Post reported earlier this month Mamdani’s campaign raked in nearly $13,000 in contributions from at least 170 donors with addresses outside the U.S.—including one from his mother-in-law in Dubai.”

Mamdani wants Dubai the election.

ITEM 19: Donald Trump got his first post-presidential job offer.

They are looking for a man with experience.

ITEM 20: Nick Fuentes and Tucker Carlson tried to hijack the conservative movement this week with a podcast. The Heritage Foundation defended them from criticism by warning against becoming the Woke Right.

Fuentes supported Kamala.

Still does.

ITEM 21: That was on Thursday. On Friday, the president of Heritage ate those words.

Principled conservatism.

ITEM 22: Kelley Paul tweeted a picture of her and her husband said, “Annual throwback to Halloween 2008 when Rand thought our ten trillion dollar debt was so scary he created a costume about it. Now it’s $38 trillion with one trillion dollars of debt added in JUST THE LAST THREE MONTHS!! Truly terrifying for the future of our country.”

We have added $28 trillion to the national debt, most of it during his time in the Senate. Maybe Kentucky should elect someone who will DO something more than just complain. You know work with other senators to stop the madness.

ITEM 23: Harriet Hageman, R-Not Liz Cheney, said, “The UN has no authority to tax U.S. citizens.”

Instead of tea, let’s toss the UN in the East River.

ITEM 24: The Daily Caller tweeted, “The Lincoln Bedroom bathroom in the White House before and after Trump’s renovations.”

The mirror facing the window in the original so people can watch you take a dump was hilarious.

ITEM 25: Breitbart reported, “Bill Kristol Endorses Zohran Mamdani for NYC Mayor Despite Him Being ‘Against Israel.’”

What happened to him? I loved Billy Crystal in The Princess Bride. Sad to see him fall this far.

ITEM 26: The New York Post reported, “Notre Dame Cathedral hosts first wedding in 30 years—for carpenter who helped rebuild it after devastating blaze.”

How appropriate for a building built to honor a carpenter.