Highlights of the week

Posted by the official White House twitter account.

ITEM 1: CBS reported, “Galapagos tortoises at Philadelphia Zoo become first-time parents at nearly 100 years old.”

Nearly 100? We’re only 71. Looks like Lou Ann will have to go on The Pill again.

ITEM 2: Robby Starbuck tweeted, “Big News: Harley Davidson CEO Jochen Zeitz is officially OUT as CEO less than one year after I exposed Harley Davidson’s woke policies.”

Revenues dropped 60% under Herr Zeitz.

Who goes woke when their customer base is fat old white men? Let sleeping HOGs lie.

ITEM 3: BBC reported, “LeBron James becomes first male athlete with a Ken doll.”

The two should make a lovely couple. I trust that Mister James realizes that Ken has no you-know-what.

ITEM 4: Jack Posobiec tweeted, “Per report, Navy Vice Admiral Shoshana Chatfield refused to put up POTUS & SECDEF pictures in NATO HQ. Also held an ‘all hands’ where she said ‘we will wait them out 4 years.’ ”

She won’t wait anyone out. She was relieved of duty. Article 88 court martial, anyone?

Ditto the Space Cadet colonel in Greenland who dissed the vice president in emails.

ITEM 5: Joni Ernst tweeted with video, “You can’t make this up. Federal employees showed up to the office—not to work—but to protest returning to work.”

Well, don’t make them return to work then.

Fire them all.

ITEM 6: CBS tweeted, “Dallas-based Colossal Biosciences has brought the extinct dire wolf back to life, using DNA editing to create three healthy pups. The company plans to resurrect other species, including the dodo and woolly mammoth.”

Somebody didn’t see Jurassic Park. Then again, by the time they get to dinosaurs, it will be a problem for AI. I saw I, Robot.

ITEM 7: AP reported, “Shortly before he was forced to resign, the nation’s top vaccine regulator says he refused to grant Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s team unrestricted access to a tightly held vaccine safety database, fearing that the information might be manipulated or even deleted.”

Obama appointee, Trump dis-appointee.

ITEM 8: The New York Post reported, “Trump signs executive order undoing ‘dumb’ Obama-Biden showerhead regulation—which made it hard to wash his ‘beautiful hair.’ ”

Water he do next?

ITEM 9: CBS tweeted, “Every year, Florida hosts the Python Challenge. The 10-day event attracts hunters to the Everglades to help remove the invasive Burmese pythons from the local ecosystem.”

Judge Boasberg immediately issued an order blocking deportation of the snakes to Burma.

ITEM 10: President Trump had miners in the Oval Office. It went well.

When FJB had minors in the Oval Office. It did not go well.

ITEM 11: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “Brown University is threatening disciplinary action against a student for saying that the Trump administration plans to pull $510 million in federal funding over the school's diversity, equity, and inclusion policies—a move confirmed by White House officials.

“Brown’s executive vice president for planning and policy, Russell Carey, on Sunday sent a letter to sophomore Alex Shieh accusing him of ‘publishing and promoting false information’ on his website Bloat@Brown.”

What do you expect from a university named after the worst team in football?

ITEM 12: CNBC reported, “China strikes back with 125% tariffs on U.S. goods as trade war intensifies.”

This tariff will raise for Red China exactly (checks calculator) jack squat. You have to actually allow imports to get any tariff money.

ITEM 13: NBC tweeted, “A worker at a roofing company in Bellingham, Washington, that was raided by ICE says that masked agents in tactical gear swarmed the property with guns drawn, detaining three of his family members and dozens of co-workers.”

Wow. They treated the illegal aliens as if they were Roger Stone or a J6 protester.

ITEM 14: Colorado Public Radio reported, “Kathleen Sgamma withdraws nomination to lead BLM.”

Trump appoints the head of Black Lives Matter???

Oh wait, it is the Bureau of Land Management. Sorry about that.

ITEM 15: Lori Chavez-DeRemer, Secretary of Labor, told the Cabinet that 25,000 people over 115 years old are collecting unemployment, as are 28,000 people between the ages of 1 and 5, and 10,000 people not yet born.

That’s age discrimination. No one in America should be unborn and unemployed.

ITEM 16: WSJ reported, “Producer Prices Fell in March as Energy, Food Costs Declined.”

Oh no. What will we do when we can afford to buy American again?

ITEM 17: Fortune reported, “President Trump said during an event Tuesday that chipmaker TSMC had pledged an additional $100 billion to build semiconductors in the U.S. after he threatened the company with tariffs of up to 100%.

“The company had already pledged $65 billion to make chips in the U.S. and received a $6.6 billion subsidy under the Biden administration that Trump has criticized.”

Trump is ruining the economy—of Red China.

ITEM 18: The Guardian complained, “Nearly two dozen law firms have quietly scrubbed references to DEI from their website and revised descriptions of pro-bono work to more closely align with Donald Trump’s priorities, a Guardian review has found, underscoring the Trump administration’s successful campaign of intimidation against the legal profession.”

They went after him. He’s returning the favor.

ITEM 19: NYT announced, “Social Security Lists Thousands of Migrants as Dead to Prompt Them to Self-Deport.”

Well the Norwegian ones were pining for the fjords anyway.

ITEM 20: CBS reported, “CDC’s cruise ship inspectors laid off amid bad year for outbreaks.”

Bad year is a clever way to say these inspectors weren’t doing a good job.

ITEM 21: Collin Rugg tweeted with video, “San Francisco has erected a statue of a woman with no clothes on which will be greeting visitors in front of the Ferry Building.

“The 45-foot-tall statue was installed to ‘jazz up downtown,’ according to CBS News.”

Calm down, fellas. She weighs 30,000 pounds.

ITEM 22: The European Federation of Pharmaceutical Industries and Associations, a lobbying group for drug companies, announced, “CEOs of the research-based pharmaceutical industry issued a stark warning to President von der Leyen that unless Europe delivers rapid, radical policy change then pharmaceutical research, development and manufacturing is increasingly likely to be directed towards the U.S.”

Money talks even if it has a strange euro accent. I don’t know how much up to €100 billion in euros is but I will bet it is quite a lot of money.

ITEM 23: Ricky Sayer tweeted, “NFL legend Terry Bradshaw saved the day for a group of travelers trapped on a plane at Pittsburgh International Airport.

“The door on Bradshaw’s plane was stuck for close to half an hour before Bradshaw helped to force it open, according to a passenger we spoke with.”

It was the immaculate unlatchment.

ITEM 24: Gateway Pundit reported that weeks before New York’s Attorney General Letitia James took Trump to court for fraud, she declared that a property in Virginia was her permanent residence.

Is it racist or sexist to me to observe that many of the first black women Democrats wind up in prison? You make the call.

ITEM 25: Breitbart reported, “Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services Administrator Dr. Mehmet Oz told state Medicaid directors Friday there will be no Medicaid funding for gender reassignment surgeries or hormone treatments for minors.

“ ‘As a doctor and now CMS Administrator, my top priority is protecting children and upholding the law. Medicaid dollars are not to be used for gender reassignment surgeries or hormone treatments in minors—procedures that can cause permanent, irreversible harm, including sterilization,’ Oz said.”

And if Boasberg doesn’t like it, deport him.

GRANDPA SURBER’S BABYSITTING TIP OF THE WEEK:

Kraft American Cheese Slices are not just for making cheeseburgers anymore.

ITEM 26: CNBC reported, “U.S. Energy Secretary Chris Wright is not worried about falling oil prices and their impact on America’s shale oil industry, and is stressing that the coming years should be a time of energy abundance for the world’s largest economy.”

Meh. What does he know? He’s only been in the oil business for 33 years.

We need a former governor and state attorney general like his predecessor to run the energy department. She was confirmed 64-35. He was confirmed 59-38. Always trust the career senators.

ITEM 27: USA Today gushed:

While some countries may be scaling back their golden visa opportunities, New Zealand just made it easier for wealthy Americans to earn residency.

New Zealand relaxed several of the requirements for its Active Investor Plus Visa Program on April 1. The program launched in September 2022 as part of a broader scheme to attract "global citizens who can bring ideas and financial capital into the country," according to Dominic Jones, managing director of Origin Capital Partners and Greener Pastures New Zealand, a firm that helps people achieve these visas.

At first, the program brought in an average of $1 billion NZD a year, but then tightened its rules. Since then, only 43 applications have been approved.

Hey Muslim terrorists, sheep outnumber people in New Zealand. Just saying.

ITEM 28: Earlier, USA Today scolded:

The Statue of Liberty may soon need a new inscription: “Give us your rich, your wealthy, your high net-worth individuals yearning to breathe free.”

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick announced Thursday that the “gold card” visa, which gives wealthy foreigners a path to citizenship, would be available within a “week, week-and-a-half.”

Yes, only MS-13 and Venezuelan gangsters should be let in—for free.

ITEM 29: Trending Politics reported, “President Donald Trump’s signature book, The Art Of The Deal, is skyrocketing up Amazon’s bestseller list after a wild week on Wall Street that ended with Trump rescinding the majority of new tariffs for 90 days with the exception of those placed on China.”

Had Jeb! read it 9 years ago—well, he still would have got his ass kicked.

ITEM 30: The New York Post reported, “Pennsylvania judge Sonya McKnight convicted of shooting sleeping boyfriend in the head.”

5 years earlier, she shot her ex-husband in the stomach. Kept her judge job that time.

And she wonders why she can’t keep a man.