Highlights of the News
ITEM 1: Breitbart reported, “Rep. Jerry Nadler to Retire After More Than Three Decades in Congress.”
That’s a mighty big seat to fill. Maybe they should elect two people to it.
Liberals are pushing Chelsea Clinton to run. Come on, she’s not that wide. They must be thinking of her mom.
ITEM 2: The Patriot Journal reported, “Meals on Wheels Forced to Close Portland Location Over Crime and Safety Concerns.”
Grandma has not been under attack this hard since the Big Bad Wolf tried to eat her.
By the way, he put on granny’s clothes so he was another violent tranny, wasn’t he?
ITEM 3: Ars Technica reported, “On July 24, the FCC removed what it called ‘11 outdated and useless rule provisions’ related to telegraphs, rabbit-ear broadcast receivers, and phone booths. The FCC said the 11 provisions consist of ‘39 regulatory burdens, 7,194 words, and 16 pages.’ ”
Oh no, not the phone booth regulations. How will Superman survive without regulating his changing rooms?
ITEM 4: ABC tweeted, “Three Scottish brothers have set a world record for completing the fastest unsupported row across the full Pacific Ocean, completing the journey in 139 days.”
They kept themselves going by singing: “But I would row 500 miles and I would row 500 more just to be the man who rowed a 1,000 miles to fall down at your door.”
ITEM 5: Financelot tweeted, “Ontario banned U.S. alcohol sales in April. Today Canadian Crown Royal bottler announced it’s shutting down its Ontario plant and moving operations to the U.S.”
The Great White Dorks.
ITEM 6: Jeff Jacoby reported, “In Canada, ‘medical aid in dying’ has become a leading cause of death.”
Well, assisted suicide is the one Canadian health service you don’t have to wait months to get. Free is another way to say not worth a cent.
ITEM 7: CNN reported, “U.S. military kills 11 in strike on alleged drug boat tied to Venezuelan cartel, Trump says.”
This is your boat. This is your boat on drugs (KA-BOOM). Any questions?
ITEM 8: Nick Sortor tweeted, “President Trump says he will be adding a portrait of Joe Biden’s auto pen to his Presidential Wall of Fame in the newly renovated White House Rose Garden.”
Biden called to complain. Trump sang I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.
ITEM 9: NYT reported, “This is a most unfortunate Labor Day for labor. The labor movement has taken it on the chin repeatedly in the last several decades, but President Trump is the most ruthlessly anti-labor president since before the Great Depression.”
He lifted income taxes on tips and overtime. If only he were ruthlessly anti-seniors, then I wouldn’t have to pay a dime in taxes.
ITEM 10: An appellate court overruled an Obama judge and allowed Alligator Alcatraz to remain open.
Wally Gator could not be reached for comment as he was too busy stocking up on meat tenderizer and Gatorade.
ITEM 11: The College Fix reported, “UC Berkeley lecturer on ‘starvation diet’ in ‘solidarity with Palestine.’ ”
By solidarity means he will do his hunger strike the Palestinian Way: strike until dinner time, then strike from after dinner to breakfast, and then strike from after breakfast to lunch.
ITEM 12: The Washington Free Beacon reported, “Ilhan Omar Said It’s ‘Categorically False’ To Call Her a Millionaire. Her Net Worth Just Reached Up to $30 Million, an Increase of at Least 3,500 Percent in One Year.”
Gals, do what she did. Dump your bro-sband and marry a millionaire, no matter how shady he may be.
ITEM 13: NYT reported, “Trump Will Host G20 Summit in 2026 at His Doral Resort.”
The same people who supported putting illegals up in luxury hotels are angry over this.
ITEM 14: Xi celebrated the 80th anniversary of America nuking Japan to end World War II.
Putin and clodhopper Kim Jong Un joined Xi in commemorating Red China’s imaginary victory.
ITEM 15: ABC’s on-the-scene reporter gushed, “Yeah, just a remarkable sight to see here in Beijing. China very much flexing its military muscle, with the latest generation of ballistic missiles and drones in a carefully choreographed parade designed to show its patriotism and power.”
Three months ago, the media blew off the parade for the 250th anniversary of the U.S. Army as an ego trip for Trump.
ABC—Always Boosting China.
ITEM 16: Chicago Mayor Johnson said, “Are you prepared to defend this land that was built by slaves? A land that was built by indigenous people?”
Slaves built the Dan Ryan Expressway, the Shawnee built O’Hare and the Blackhawks built the United Center.
ITEM 17: ABC tweeted, “More than 1,000 current and former employees across the Department of Health and Human Services signed a letter on Wednesday morning calling for Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s resignation.”
They all should be former employees after this.
ITEM 18: WLT reported, “President Trump’s deployment of the National Guard to Washington, D.C. has just been extended to November 30th.”
The geriatric white protesters rejoiced because George Soros pays them more than Walmart does to be a greeter.
ITEM 19: Campus Reform reported, “Ed Sec McMahon responds after two school districts sue Trump admin over gender policies: ‘See you in court.’ ”
Ed McMahon is still alive? Wherrrrrrrrrrrre’s Johnny?
ITEM 20: Democrats tried to play Stump the Stars at a Senate hearing with Secretary Kennedy. They failed.
LUJAN: Are you aware a guy who works for you was charged for practicing medicine without a license?
RFK: He was charged by a medical board, sued them, and they were found to be acting in actual malice and were fined $2.6 million by a judge for doing that.
Democrat senators looked like a forest after Paul Bunyan was through. Stump, stump, stump, stump, stump.
ITEM 21: AP reported, “Judge orders Trump administration to release billions in foreign aid approved by Congress.”
The law says Trump can block payment. The judge is a Biden appointee. I wonder if he used an auto pen to sign this daft decision.
ITEM 22: ABC reported, “A facelift that restored London’s 166-year-old Big Ben clocktower to a sparkling shine was nominated for Britain’s leading architecture award.”
Nice to fix it up ahead of the Muslims adding trumpets for their calls to prayers.
ITEM 23: ATF Atlanta announced it “joined HSI, FBI, DEA, ICE, GSP and other agencies in a major immigration enforcement operation [in halting construction] at the Hyundai mega site battery plant in Bryan County, GA, leading to the apprehension of ~450 unlawful aliens, emphasizing our commitment to community safety.”
ATF? That must mean the illegals also were smoking untaxed cigarettes and drinking moonshine. My kinda people.
ITEM 24: Legal Insurrection reported, “Beyond Meat Sales Plunge as Firm is Over $1 Billion in Debt.”
People love plant-based meat. Cows eat the plants, we eat the cows.
ITEM 25: ABC gushed, “New York City officials opened the doors of a unique school this week: a first-of-its kind Historically Black College and University preparatory high school in a major U.S. city.”
Biden brought back the 1970s with inflation.
Now Democrats want to bring back the 1870s with segregation.
ITEM 26: Kevin Sorbo tweeted, “Woman gets fired by RFK Jr. and then CRASHES into his car.”
It just wasn’t Hannah Anderson’s day.
ITEM 27: Trump dropped the name Department of Defense, going Old School and calling itself the Department of War.
The 101st Musket Bearing Division will rock.
ITEM 28: The Tampa Free Press reported, “Billionaire backers were behind the nationwide Workers Over Billionaires protest on Labor Day, which took aim at the Trump administration’s policies and called for an end to what organizers described as a billionaire takeover.”
Well, if the Billionaires Against Billionaires keep blowing money on nonsense like this, they won’t be billionaires much longer.
ITEM 29: Elon Musk’s days as a billionaire may be numbered.
CBS reported, “Tesla offers pay package to CEO Elon Musk that could be worth up to $1 trillion.”
ITEM 30: CNN reported, “In the wake of the Minneapolis Catholic church shooting, senior Justice Department officials are weighing proposals to limit transgender people’s right to possess firearms, according to two officials familiar with the internal discussions.”
And just like that, Trump got liberals to oppose gun laws.
ITEM 31: Bloomberg reported, “Global meat prices hit a fresh record in August as strong American and Chinese demand for beef continued to fuel a months long rally at a time when global cattle supplies have been dwindling.”
Forget what I said about learning to weld. Learn to cowboy.
ITEM 32: Eric Daugherty tweeted, “Kilmar Abrego Garcia will now be deported to Eswatini. ICE has CONFIRMED it.”
The country formerly known as Swaziland has a homicide rate of 12.7 per 100,000 people. Baltimore’s rate is 35.2. It is nice to know the media’s Maryland Man will be in a safer place.
Eswatini was Swaziland
Now it’s Eswatini not Swaziland
Been a long time gone
Old Swaziland’s still has African delight
On a moonlit night
ITEM 33: Breitbart reported, “American Eagle says its Sydney Sweeney Great Jeans” campaign has boosted its stock price by 25% in its second fiscal quarter.”
That isn’t all it boosted.
ITEM 34: Brad Stainbrook tweeted, “New field design: The Cleveland Browns are returning to the helmet logo at the 50 yard line. The elf is gone.”
Even Brownie the Elf has quit on the team.
FINALLY, Trump brought in Bill Gates (boo, hiss) and other big tech big shots (boo, hiss) to the White House on Friday. They held a press conference.
An hour later, Nick Sortor tweeted, “President Trump is considering BANNING American IT firms from outsourcing their work to India, per multiple reports.”
Better to tell them in person than have them hear about it in the news.
Outsource all your doubts about The Donald to the Democrats because TDS is contagious.
I had to vote for Free Bird. Last night, my band played a gig at a local bistro and toward the end of the set, after some in the audience were well into their cups, a guy in the back yelled out "Free Bird". So we three just looked at each other, and I started playing it, vaguely remembering the chord progression from that last time I played it...50 years ago?
Mind you, it's not our sort of song. We have two guitarists and a dobro player, and we play originals and covers of people like John Prine. But what fun. You should have heard the dobro player play that face-melting solo.
But seriously: Free Bird makes a perfect patriotic American anthem, for white people and for everyone else as well. And this bird you cannot change!
She looks like Lord Fahrquad from Shrek.