Highlights of the News

Democrat policies are taking us back to the caveman days.

ITEM 1: The Daily Wire reported, “Pro-Life Demonstrators Found Guilty, Face Up To 11 Years In Federal Prison.”

But hey, do not imprison women who get illegal abortions.

ITEM 2: KTLA reported, “Woman who fatally stabbed man 108 times gets probation, no prison time.”

The judge said at least she was not protesting abortion.

ITEM 3: The Daily Mail reported, “A 38-year-old Quebec man has been found guilty for starting a series of devastating forest fires — which lead to hectares worth of damage and displaced hundreds.”

What do you know? The climate change communists are right. Forest fires are manmade.

But they are fires that “lead to hectares worth of damage,” not acres. Once again, not adopting the metric system has saved America.

ITEM 4: CNN belched, “Biden has to deal with a second war he didn’t want. His task is to contain it.”

But there are three other wars he wanted in Ukraine, Gaza and Yemen. Biden has to make up for all the wars that Trump didn’t start.

ITEM 5: Vice reported, “Housing Crisis Update: Unhoused People Are Living In Elaborate Cave Networks Now.”

Democrat policies are taking us back to the caveman days.

Wilma!

ITEM 6: NBC reported, “Utah joins 10 other states in regulating bathroom access for transgender people.”

They will just have to hold it in until they get home.

ITEM 7: The Daily Caller reported, “Business Partners Of Fani Willis’ Alleged Lover Bankrolled Her Campaign. She Gave Them Lucrative Contracts.”

Voters should have suspected something was amiss when she ran a MACA campaign — Make Atlanta Chicago Already.

ITEM 8: Fox reported, “Store in Oakland burglarized 4 times by intruders who rammed truck into store’s doors.”

It’s just a little shoplifting. Why bother locking anyone up?

It was a bookstore.

Just kidding. Of course it was a liquor store.

ITEM 9: John Nolte reported, “Donald Trump Polling Higher Than Any GOP Candidate in 20 Years.”

If he gets too far ahead, he should avoid grassy knolls.

ITEM 10: Bloomberg Law reported, “Justice Sonia Sotomayor said she’s ‘tired’ and ‘working harder than I ever had’ due to the Supreme Court’s big cases, growing emergency calendar, and briefs from outside groups.”

I’m tired, she says. She’s the Lili Von Shtüpp of the Supreme Court.

All that work has not stopped her from writing five books as a justice — or flying to California to give that speech.

ITEM 11: ABC reported, “The U.S. hasn’t seen syphilis numbers this high since 1950.”

A rando on Twitter: “FAFO for realz.”

ITEM 12: California Democrat Robert Garcia said, “The Donald Trump and MAGA plan for the border: Alligator moats, bombing northern Mexico, shooting migrants in the legs, and electrifying the fence and putting spikes on them.”

Quick poll: What did Garcia leave out of our plans for Border Patrol?

ITEM 13: The Daily Mail reported, “A record-breaking ‘pandemic of snow’ has buried buildings in Anchorage, with more than 8.5 feet blanketing Alaska so far this winter.

“Anchorage is well on track to break its all-time record, having received more than 100 inches of snow so far this winter, leading to building collapses and school closures.”

Hunter was all set to fly there until someone pointed out it is not THAT kind of snow.

ITEM 14: Jill Wine-Banks wrote for NBC, “I prosecuted Watergate and never feared for our democracy — but Greg Abbott has me worried.”

So a governor upholding the law and following a Supreme Court order is a threat to democracy, but using a manufactured scandal to overturn a 49-state win for Nixon was not.

ITEM 15: The Hill reported, “Florida bars transgender residents from changing gender on driver’s licenses.”

From what I can tell by driving, half the people in North Carolina identify as a NASCAR driver.

ITEM 16: On Wednesday, Massachusetts issued a press release, which said, “Governor Maura T. Healey today declared that a state of emergency exists in Massachusetts due to rapidly rising numbers of migrant families arriving in Massachusetts in need of shelter and services and a severe lack of shelter availability in the state.”

As attorney general, she issued a press release 5 years ago, which said, “Attorney General Maura Healey today joined a coalition of 20 state attorneys general in a lawsuit challenging President Trump’s unlawful declaration of a national emergency as pretext to redirect federal dollars toward building a wall on the Mexican border.”

Healey quoted herself as saying, “Declaring a national emergency to build a wall repeatedly rejected by Congress is an illegal power grab by President Trump and a violation of the constitutional separation of powers.”

In a sane world, Trump would carry Massachusetts by 20 points this year.

ITEM 17: Biden plans to visit East Palestine, Ohio, today. It was the site of a train derailment and chemical spill a year ago.

Boy, will he be disappointed to learn this East Palestine is not in Israel.

ITEM 18: Vice reported, “Ukraine Is Getting a New American-Made Bomb Before the Pentagon.”

Hunter’s dad wants to Make Ukraine Great, America.

ITEM 19: Ilhan Omar told a group in her native Somalian, “We, as Somalians, love each other. . . people who know they are Somalians first and Muslim second who protect one another and come to each other’s aid and to the aid of other Muslims too.”

She’s the Hunter Biden of Somaliland.

ITEM 20: Just the News reported, “Stacey Abrams’ liberal voting rights group lays off most staffers.”

The story said, “Fair Fight is laying off 75% of its current staffers, or 20 employees, per Groh-Wargo, as the group is $2.5 million in debt with $1.9 million cash on hand even after raising about $100 million from 2018 to 2021.”

She ran her organization just like she would have run Georgia — right into the ground.

ITEM 21: Fox reported, “Judge dismisses Disney’s lawsuit alleging retaliation by DeSantis.”

The lawsuit went about as well as Disney’s last five woke movies.

ITEM 22: USA Today reported, “The House passed a sweeping, bipartisan tax bill Wednesday that would expand the child tax credit for American families and reinstate some tax cuts for businesses.”

Bipartisan means both parties get what they want and you get the bill.

ITEM 23: The Jeff Bezos Post reported, “A wave of union walkouts at media companies nationwide has now reached several Pulitzer-winning regional newspapers owned by a firm known for slashing the operations of the hundreds of local newsrooms it has acquired in recent years.

“On Thursday, employees at seven newsrooms, including the Chicago Tribune, the Orlando Sentinel and the Virginian-Pilot, plan to walk off the job to protest management’s refusal to offer cost-of-living raises and threats to end their 401(k) matches.”

Meanwhile, Politico reported, “Over 500 journalists were laid off from news outlets in January, according to a new report released Thursday, as many organizations continue to struggle financially.”

It is like people on death row staging a hunger strike.

ITEM 24: Punxsutawney Phil is taller than I thought.

But he is registering Republicans, which is all that matters.

ITEM 25: Double-decker headline at Citizen Free Press:

EV industry leader Volvo cancels all funding for Electric Cars.

Volvo stock immediately jumps 20 percent.

What the world really wants are 12-cylinder muscle cars and land yacht pickup trucks.

ITEM 26: My wife said I can get a Lamborghini because they pay for themselves.

I think she just wants to laugh when I try to get into one.

ITEM 27: The FBI said in a press release, “China’s Hackers Have Entire Nation in Their Crosshairs, FBI Director Warns.

“More funding for the FBI is crucial to countering the evolving threat.”

Giving more money to the FBI is like sending donations to Alyssa Milano.

Or sadly, Mary Lou Retton.

ITEM 28: No charges were filed in the congressional gay porn scandal.

Jonathan Turley tweeted, “The U.S. Capitol Police answered much debated question today: it turns out that shooting a porn scene in a Senate Hearing room and posting it on the Internet is not a crime.”

What did Professor Turley expect? Shooting and killing an unarmed woman in the Capitol also is not a crime.

ITEM 29: The Statehouse File (Indiana) reported, “Students from Burris Laboratory School in Muncie who were visiting the Statehouse Tuesday say they felt threatened after Rep. Jim Lucas, R-Seymour, opened his coat and flashed a handgun.”

The high schoolers were lobbying him for gun control. It may have been the first gun they ever saw.

If he flashed to kids like drag queens do, there would be no problem.

ITEM 30: Reuters reported, “A Delaware judge on Tuesday invalidated Elon Musk's $56 billion pay package for his work as Tesla's chief executive, siding with a Tesla shareholder who called the package unfair.”

The judge is Kathaleen McCormick, who was appointed by a Democrat governor. Democrats have opposed paying African-Americans since forming the party in 1828.

ITEM 31: Just the News reported, “Two-thirds of House Dems vote against bill passed to deport illegal immigrants with DUI convictions.”

Ted Kennedy’s legacy lives on.

ITEM 32: The LA Times said, “Opinion: How throwing soup at the Mona Lisa can help fight climate change.”

How dumping another 120 LA Times journalists can help fight stupidity.

ITEM 33: Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal: “Stop referring to people as ‘Illegals.’ People are human beings. They have different statuses. Some are undocumented. Let’s not call human beings illegal. I’m tired of that language.”

Liberals can start by not calling people maggots — which they spell MAGAts.

FINALLY, he’s 14 and funny.