I think I’ll try an airline that does not have Braille on its pilot’s lounge sign.
ITEM 1: Just the News reported, “Minneapolis police reportedly raided the apartment of Rep. Ilhan Omar’s son Tuesday night, seizing firearms and ammunition and arresting his 22-year-old roommate, Abdulrahman Abdi.”
Isn’t he also her nephew?
ITEM 2: Zero Hedge reported that the “chicken mortality rate was also highest in organic free-range farming, researchers said.”
Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.
Live free or die, baby.
ITEM 3: Democrat Senator Chris Coons said, “If anything, Volodymyr Zelensky is the primary national leader. We need to earn our place back as leader of the free world.”
Then he let Joe Biden sniff his daughter again like Joe was an ayatollah leading a troop of Brownies.
ITEM 4: Speaking of the Girl Scouts, they can now earn a merit badge for visiting a mosque.
They also can win a Gold Award, their highest honor, for a suicide bombing.
Live jihad and die, baby.
ITEM 5: Donald Trump tweeted, “The United States of America has just entered into an Agreement with the Country of Venezuela on, THE BIGGEST OIL DEAL IN WORLD HISTORY! At my direction, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, and Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, working closely with Highly Respected Interim President of Venezuela, Delcy Rodriguez, and, through a partnership with private business, have secured majority U.S. control of more than 65 BILLION BARRELS of proven Oil Reserves in Venezuela, at no cost to the American Taxpayer.”
USA oil reserves now are 46 billion barrels. He’s doing in Venezuela what Bush said he’d do in Iraq.
Now on to seize Kharg Island.
ITEM 6: United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby said, “I want to create an airline that U.S. citizens, all U.S. citizens, think of as the flag carrier of the United States, and they’re proud of the airline. Just like somebody in Dubai is proud of Emirates. I want American U.S. citizens to feel the same way about United Airlines, and that’s my goal.”
Dubai didn’t have indoor plumbing when we invented flying.
(Fact-checked by Grok!)
ITEM 7: Trump renamed Lake Ontario “Lake America.”
Congresswoman Debbie Dingell tweeted, “Let’s just call it Lake Natalie so we know you’ll start protecting our Great Lakes.”
Hey, just because Dingell slept her way to get her job doesn’t mean every woman does. (She was married to Congressman John Dingell and voters elected her to the post after he died.)
ITEM 8: Lake Superior will become Gitchee Gumee again.
Lake Michigan will become That Lake Up North.
Lake Huron will become The Lake Nobody Wants.
Lake Erie will keep its name but change the spelling to Lake Eerie.
Lake Titicaca will remain a giggle for middle school boys.
ITEM 9: In retaliation, Canada slapped higher tariffs on 700 American products.
The list includes fake beards. Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry hardest hit.
ITEM 10: Former U.S. Ambassador to Denmark Carla Sands said, “Let’s not forget, Mark Carney has had a lot of China relationships. Whether it’s China economic cooperation, I think he is closer to China than he is to the U.S.”
Canada and Red China have so much in common. Neither country has won a Stanley Cup in the 21st century.
ITEM 11: Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow told CNN she supports cutting off the electricity to the USA.
Oh no! How will New York, Michigan and Minnesota survive? Think of all those Somalis and Palestinians living without electricity. They’ll feel like they were back home.
ITEM 12: Dolly Parton, Tim Curry, Shelley Fabares and Jaye P. Morgan died this week. Meanwhile, at Jane Fonda’s house . . .
Fabares is finally with Johnny Angel.
Right on time, Tropical Storm Dolly is forming in the Atlantic.
ITEM 13: The New York Post reported, “CNN forced to apologize to Dolly Parton’s family for using photo of Vegas impersonator in covering icon’s death.”
Whoever is responsible should be suspended for 9 to 5 weeks.
ITEM 14: Trump pledged to waive regulations so farmers and ranchers can process and sell their own meat, targeting what he called a “nasty monopoly” among large processors amid backlash over beef imports.
He ended a beef over beef.
Unasked: Who gave the federal bureaucracy the power to tell ranchers they cannot process their cattle?
ITEM 15: Donald Trump has cut the Federal Workforce to its lowest point in 60 years. He eliminated almost 300,000 jobs from the federal payroll.
Great. Now who will harass farmers and ranchers?
ITEM 16: Inez Stepman tweeted, “Another huge W for the Trump administration on the critical issues of meritocracy and fairness in the workplace! The EEOC (agency tasked with enforcing civil rights of employees) is taking steps toward stopping all race and sex data collection from employers.”
There are 57 genders now, so this will spare employers the hour trying to figure out who is what.
ITEM 17: The New York Post reported, “Lindsay Clancy’s lawyer calls her a ‘darn good mother’ during closing arguments in trial for murdering her 3 kids.”
Strangling them was just hugging them too tight.
ITEM 18: Musk forced X Cancel to cancel itself over copyright issues. X Cancel let people who refuse to sign up for a free subscription to read Twitter.
The man paid $42 billion to bring free speech to the Internet. Gratitude is just a town in Kent County, Maryland.
ITEM 19: It turns out most of the mines in the Strait of Hormuz were just plastic bags that ship captains believed were mines.
Billions lost because the world took Iran’s word for it.
ITEM 20: At least four women’s golf tournaments in Canada have been won by men this summer.
Being girls is one thing Canadian men are good at. Hockey, not as much as they used to. Maybe they can play the USA women in the next Winter Olympics
ITEM 21: Trump Says He’d Absolutely Ban Sharia.
What? No marriages to 9-year-old girls? He really hates that pedophile thing.
ITEM 22: Jelly Roll Dares Trump Fans to Stop Listening After Playing Court Jester for Jimmy Kimmel.
No problem because don’t know who Mister Roll is.
ITEM 23: Pravda reported, “CIA director has arrived in Moscow on secret visit, CBS News says.”
If everyone knows, how is it a secret?
BEST OF TWITTER:
Going where no man has gone before.
Trump is governing like a man who understands leverage. Oil, tariffs, deregulation, deportations, federal downsizing, anti-DEI enforcement, birthright citizenship, Sharia, food production, China, Canada—he is pulling the wires the old managerial class spent decades hiding behind drywall. Surber catches the absurdity surrounding it: media incompetence, bureaucratic rot, Islamist normalization, corporate stupidity, gender madness, and foreign governments acting like America still has to ask permission. The jokes land because the decay is real. The punchline is not comedy. It is the regime discovering that Trump came back with bolt cutters, not a strongly worded memo.
ITEM 15: Donald Trump has cut the Federal Workforce to its lowest point in 60 years. He eliminated almost 300,000 jobs from the federal payroll.
I knew I voted right three times.